Limestone!
18
Aug
18
Aug
An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a Ceremonial pipe and eyeing two US government officials sent to interview him. Chief Two Eagles, asked one official, You have observed the white man for 90 years. Youve seen his wars and his material wealth. Youve seen his progress, and the damage hes done.
The chief nodded that it was so.
The official continued, Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong?
The chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied, When white man found the land, Indians were running it. No taxes, no debt, plenty buffalo, plenty beaver, women did all the work, medicine man free, Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing, all night making love.
Then the chief leaned back and smiled, White man dumb enough to think he could improve system like that!
18
Aug
Little farmboy comes in late for school. Teacher asks why hes late. Farmboy replies that he had to take the family cow over to the neighbours to get her bred by a bull.
Annoyed, teacher demands, Cant your father do that? Little farm boy thinks for a moment: replies, Well, sure… but the bull can do it better.
18
Aug
Which condom would you use?
Nike Condoms: Just do it.
Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling.
Diet Pepsi Condoms: You got the right one, baby.
Pringles Condoms: Once you pop, you cant stop.
Mentos Condoms: The freshmaker.
Flinstones Vitamins Condom Pack: Ten million strong and growing.
Secret Condoms: Strong enough for a man, but ph balanced for a woman.
Macintosh Condoms: It does more, it costs less, its that simple.
Ford Condoms: The best never rest.
Chevy Condoms: Like a Rock.
Dial Condoms: Arent you glad you use it?
Dont you wish everybody did?
New York Lotto Condoms: Cause hey — you never know.
Avis Condoms: Trying harder than ever.
EverReady Condoms: Keeps going and going
KFC Condoms: Finger-Licking Good.
Coca Cola Condoms: Always the Real Thing.
Lays Condoms: Betcha cant have just one.
18
Aug
If its tourist season, why cant we shoot them?
How do they get a deer to cross
at that yellow road sign?
Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?
Why is abbreviation such a long word?
Is it true that cannibals dont eat clowns because
they taste funny?
Experience is what you get when you didnt
get what you wanted.
Why do you need a drivers license to buy liquor when
you cant drink and drive?
Why isnt phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical
situations?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year,
why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make
TEFLON stick to the pan?
If youre in a vehicle going the speed of light,
what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car,
its called a shipment, but when you transport something
by ship, its called cargo?
You know that little indestructible black box that
is used on planes, why cant they make the whole plane
out of the same substance?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?
[More
one liners]
18
Aug
You are in a room with Adolf Hitler, Saddam Hussein, and a lawyer.You have a gun and only two bullets. Who do you shoot?Shoot the lawyer twice to make sure hes dead.
18
Aug
Two guys were out for a weekend of hunting in the woods, and as night drew near they started back for the Old Log Inn where they were staying. They came to a fork in the road and didnt know which way to go.
So they decided to split up and each go looking to save time. Joe went down the road to the left and after walking a good ways he decided that the Old Log Inn wasnt this way so he turned back and went looking for Bob.
He was expecting to see Bob walking down the road, but instead found him in the ditch beaten up! It took a few minutes, but Bob was finally able to tell Joe what happened …
Bob had started down the other road, and had passed a parked car with a couple in it, he had continued on, but not finding the Old Log Inn, he decided to go back and ask the people in the car.
He stopped when he got there, knocked on the window and when the guy rolled it down, Bob asked Hey buddy, how far is the Old Log Inn???
17
Aug
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but he has to have a nurse to tell him which end to screw in.
17
Aug
A lady stumbles into a bar.
She says, Beertender, give me a dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it.
He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and put a pickle in it. He gives it to her, and she drinks it down.
She says, Beertender, give me another dribble martuni, and you better put two pickles in it, because… because Ive got heartburn.
The bartender says, Look, lady…its not beertender, its bartender. Its not a martuni, its a martini. Its not a dribble, its a double. Thats not a pickle, its an onion. And you havent got heartburn,
You have your left tit in the Ashtray!
17
Aug
Im not sure Im using this right, but if I am, heres a whole bunch
of viola jokes.
Whats the difference between a viola and a violin?
A violin burns faster.
Why is a violist like a terrorist?
They both ** up bowings.
What is the difference between a violist and a terrorist?
Terrorists have sympathizers.
Whats the difference between a violist and a dressmaker?
A dressmaker tucks up frills.
Whats the difference between a viola and a trampoline?
You take off your shoes to jump on a trampoline.
A violist comes home late at night to discover fire trucks, police cars, and
a smoking crater where his house used to be. The chief of police comes over
to him and tells him, While you were out, the conductor came to your house,
killed your family, and burned it down. The violist replied, Youre
kidding! The conductor came to my house?
A violist is sitting in the front row, crying hysterically. The conductor
asks the violist, Whats wrong? The violist answers, The second oboe
loosened one of my tuning pegs. The conductor replied, I admit, that
seems a little childish, but nothing to get so upset about. Why are you
crying? To which the violist replied, He wont tell me which one!!
The composition of a string quartet:
1 good violinist
1 bad violinist
1 really bad violinist who became a violist
1 cellist who hates all violinists.