Old and New Jokes

A small town prosecuting attorney called his first witness to the stand in a trial, a grandmotherly, elderly woman. He approached her and asked, Mrs. Jones, do you know me?

She responded, Why, yes, I do know you Mr. Williams. Ive known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, youve been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think youre a rising big shot when you havent the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, Mrs. Williams, do you know the defense attorney?

She again replied, Why, yes I do. Ive known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. I used to babysit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. Hes lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man cant build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him.

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both counselors to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, If either of you asks her if she knows me, youll be jailed for contempt!

Seven New York City bartenders were asked if they could nail a womans personality based on what she drinks.

Though interviewed separately, they concurred on almost all counts.

The results:
Drink: Beer
Personality: Casual, low-maintenance; down to earth.
Your Approach: Challenge her to a game of pool.
Drink: Blender Drinks
Personality: Flaky, whiny, annoying; a pain in the buttocks.
Your Approach: Avoid her, unless you want to be her cabin boy.
Drink: Mixed Drinks
Personality: Older, more refined, high maintenance, has very picky taste; knows exactly what she wants.
Your Approach: You wont have to approach her, if she is interested, shell send YOU a drink.
Drink: Wine – (does not include White Zinfandel, see below)
Personality: Conservative and classy; sophisticated yet giggles.
Your Approach: Tell her you love to travel and spend quiet evenings with friends.
Drink: White Zinfandel
Personality: Easy; thinks she is classy and sophisticated, actually has no clue.
Your approach: Make her feel smarter than she is … this should be an easy target.
Drink: Shots
Personality: Likes to hang with frat-boy pals and looking to get totally drunk … and naked.
Your Approach: Easiest hit in the joint. You have been blessed this evening. Nothing to do but wait. However, be careful not to make her mad!

Then there is the MALE addendum. The deal with guys is, as always, very simple and clear cut:
Domestic Beer: Hes poor and wants to get laid.
Imported Beer: He likes good beer and wants to get laid.
Wine: Hes hoping that the wine thing will give him a sophisticated image to help him get laid.
Whiskey: He doesnt give a hoot about anything but getting laid.
Tequila: He is thinking he has a chance with the toothless waitress.
White Zinfandel: Hes gay

An insect falls into a mug of beer.
English Man: Throws his mug of bear on the floor and walks out.
American Man: Takes out the insect and drinks tbe beer.
Chinese Man: Eats the insect and throws the beer.
Indian Man: Sells the insect to the Chinese and the beer to the Englishman and buys himself a new mug of beer.
Pakistani Man: Accuses the Indian of throwing the insect into his mug, relates the issue to Kashmir, asks the Chinese for military aid and takes a loan to buy another mug of beer.

Whiy is six afraid of seven?

Because seven eight nine!

Beauty and der Beast and similar kinds of texts, where English is enriched by German words and morphemes (the elements of words), are obviously funny to native English speakers.

Here is what Germans (provided they know a little English) find funny – do you? The basic rule when writing such a text is to translate morpheme by morpheme, keeping the wordorder.

A readers letter about Munich

THE FREEBODY-CULTURE

Very honored Mr. Chief-Editor,

I have the outeachothersetting in the Southgerman Paper about the English-teaching in Germany followed and I want now my mustard to it give. To make it short, it hangs me to the throat out, and therefore want I say something about your wonderful city. Mainthingly, find I Munich traffic-politically unreached. I sat myself in New York in the greatroom-flystuff, and eight hours later am I in your gemoodly flyport Riem. Then went it in only 15 minutes and the faststreet to the Maryplace, where I with many with-humans the Bellgame on the Guesshouse saw. And then the many buyhouses in the Buyinger Street! I could my dollars not fast enough outgive! In the English Garden I saw me your freebody-culture on. I love German culture. Suchwhat have we in Central Park not. What makes it, when they not English can? I say always: Who it not in the head has, must it in the legs have. And have they on the Ice-brook legs! A city with so many goodoutlooking women would itself not the head thereover break, how they in the upperschool strangelanguages underright. Like your Chancellor Helmut Cabbage would I say: That must we outsit, equal what Francis Joseph Ostrich wants.

Highrespectfully

Frederick (Fritz) Finster

P.S. I stem originally from Germany, and you should write it behind your ears: English is a very heavy language.

Q: Whats the difference between a blondes brain and a box of rocks? A: Nothing.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Laos!
Laos who?
Laos and found!

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own.

Preprared childbirth: A contradiction in terms.

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it.

The jumbo jet is just coming into an Airport in Toronto on its final approach. The pilot comes on over the intercom.

This is Capt Johnson. Were on our final descent into Toronto. I want to thank you for flying with us today, and I hope you enjoy your stay in Toronto. He forgets to switch off the intercom. The whole plane can now hear the conversation from the cockpit. The co-pilot says to the pilot, Well skipper, watcha gonna do in Toronto? Now all ears in the plane are listening in to this conversation.

Well, says the skipper, first Im gonna check into the hotel and take a crap. Then Im gonna take that new stewardess out for supper, you know, the one with the huge tits. Im gonna wine and dine her , take her back to my room, and shag her all night.

Everyone in the plane is trying to get a look at the new stewardess. Shes so embarrassed that she runs from the back of the plane to try and get to the cockpit to turn the intercom off. Halfway down the aisle, she trips over an old ladys bag and down she goes. The old lady leans over and says, No need to run, dear, hes gotta take a shit first!

DANGER: new viruses discovered!:



Congressional Virus v 2.0 : Runs every program on the hard drive simultaneously, but doesnt allow the user to accomplish anything.



Tipper Gore Virus : When you attempt to play any sound file, it pops up a warning window stating that some lyrics may be unsuitable for children.



Government Ecomomist Virus : Nothing works, but all your diagnostic software says everything is fine.



New World Order Virus : Probably harmless, but it makes a lot of people really mad just thinking about it.



Warren Commission Virus : Wont allow you to open your files for 75 years.



David Duke Virus : Makes your screen go completely white.



Pat Buchanan Virus : Shifts all your output to the extreme right of your screen.



Texas Virus : Makes sure its bigger than any other file.



Adam And Eve Virus : Takes a couple of bytes out of your Apple.



Warren Beatty Virus : Constantly tries to prove its virility by attaching itself to younger or newer files.



Airline Virus : Youre in Dallas, but your data is in Singapore.



Freudian Virus : Your computer becomes obsessed with marrying its own motherboard.



PBS Virus : Your PC stops what its doing every few minutes to ask for money.



Jimmy Hoffa Virus : Nobody can find it.



Kevorkian Virus : Helps your computer shut down whenever it wants to.



Healthcare Virus : Tests your system for a day, finds nothing wrong, and sends a you a bill for $4,500.



LAPD Virus : It claims it feels threatened by the other files on your PC and erases them in self-defence.



Billy Graham Virus : When you save a file, it prints, I am saved! to the screen.



Michael Jackson Virus : Hard to identify because it is constantly altering its appearance. This Virus wont harm your PC, but it will trash your car.



And finally…



JokeGalore.com Virus : poses as a harmless list of funny computer Virus names! Is quickly passed from one user to all other users known via e-mail, consequently consuming all known network resources.