Old and New Jokes

You might be a redneck if…

Youve totaled every car youve ever owned.

There are more than five McDonalds bags currently on the floorboard of your car.

Momma taught you how to flip a cigarette.

There is a wasp nest in your living room.

The Home Shopping Channel operator recognizes your voice.

You give your dad a gallon of Pepto-Bismol for his birthday.

There has ever been crime-scene tape on your front door.

You burn your front yard rather than mow it.

You consider a six-pack and a bug-zapper high-quality entertainment

Un avión vuela sobre el Eje Central de la Ciudad de México y va perdiendo altura. La azafata informa a los pasajeros con voz dulce y clara:

Señores pasajeros, en este momento sobrevolamos la avenida Eje Central Lázaro Cárdenas, a su lado derecho, podremos observar la Torre Latinoamericana, a su lado izquierdo, el Monumento a la Madre… Ustedes deciden dónde nos damos: en la Torre o en la Madre.

Un hombre muy enfermo espera su diagnóstico. Llega el médico con cara de afligido a informarle:

Mire, amigo, tendrá que ser fuerte, ¡usted tiene la enfermedad de McFerson!

¡Dios mío! ¿Y eso es grave?

Tomará su tiempo descubrirlo, señor McFerson.

Anything that is designed to do more than one thing cannot do any of them well.

NEG FRI FRI FRI THU WED TUE

8 7 6 5 4 3 2

16 15 14 12 11 10 9

23 22 21 20 19 18 17

32 30 28 27 26 25 24

39 38 37 36 35 34 33





1. This is a special calendar for handling rush jobs. All rush jobs are needed yesterday. With this calendar, a job or project can be ordered on the 7th and delivered on the 3rd.



2. Many companies set Friday deadlines, so there are three Fridays in every week. This is also beneficial for those persons who are paid on Fridays.



3. There are eight new days added to each month, to allow for month-end panic jobs.



4. There is no 1st of the month, thus avoiding late delivery of the previous months last-minute panic jobs.



5. Monday morning hangovers are abolished, along with non-productive Saturdays and Sundays.



6. A new day — Negotiation Day — has been introduced keeping the other days free for uninterrupted panic.

A woman was getting married. She entered the church wearing a black wedding gown that surprised everyone.

The pastor was a bit annoyed and asked her, Why are you dressed up in black?

The woman replied, Well, thats because Im not a virgin.

You might be a redneck if rather than drinking the sacramental wine at church you bring your own!

Pepsi proceeded to build factories in many of the former Soviet states way before its great rival, Coca-Cola Company got on the market there.

So, when Coca-Cola opened their first factory in Georgia, the company decided to promote it as much as they could. Thus they proceeded to invite Eduard Shevarnadze, the president of the country for the celebration, and he agreed to be there.

The great day came, the first bottle of Coke was about to roll off from the assembly line, the president of the country, the national TV channels cameras and reporters were all there.

The first bottle arrives, they open it, and hand it to Mr. Shevarnadze. He picks it up, sips some, with the whole country watching, and with a smile which cheers the heart of Cokes marketing manager he says Great taste … just like Pepsi!

A young boy comes home from school & his mother says What did you do today?

To which the boy answers oh the usual, I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my English teacher.

The mother , aghast, doesnt know that to say. She stems & stammers and finally, angrily, she says go in & tell your father what you just told me!

The boy goes into see his father & says gee, mom sure is mad. The father says why?

I just told her what I did in school today. I had a math test, I got an A in Spelling and I had sex with my english teacher.

Well the father is beside himself with joy. He gives his son a nudge and a wink and says congratulations — you passed a milestone. I tell you what –lets go out and celebrate. Well have some ice cream and then Ill buy you a new bike.

To which the boy says –the ice cream sounds great Dad, but lets hold off on the bike a few days — my ass is killing me.

Un caballero tenía problemas para eyacular así que decide ofrecer $50000 a la primer mujer que lo hiciese eyacular.

Así empezaron a llegar mujeres y a tener sexo, pero ninguna lograba que eyaculara. De repente aparece una mujer atleta, le agarra el pito y empieza a succionar y succionar (ya se imaginan, con esos pulmones, la fuerza de la succión).

De repente el caballero grita y hace gestos, la atleta piensa, Ya vienen los pesos. Pero el caballero le dice, ¡Para, paraaaa, que la sábana y el colchón se me están viniendo por el culo!