Old and New Jokes

During his recent visit to the UK Mikhail Gorbachev was taken on a tour of
a typical British factory by the Iron Lady, Margaret Thatcher.

The tour started at 9:00 am and the factory was just starting to fill with
employees…

GORBY: What these people do?

MAGGIE: Oh, they are just starting work!

GORBY: AAAARRggghhh! In Russia, start at 5:00 am

So, they walk around for a while, viewing some machinery and at 10:30 a hooter
sounds and the factory workers leave.

G: Where they go?

M: Oh, it is morning tea time. They have a break for 20 minutes.

G: AAAArrrggghhhh! In Russia, no morning tea.

At 12:00 noon the two VIPs are viewing plans for a new factory and a hooter
sounds and the factory workers leave, again.

G: Where they go now?

M: Oh, it is lunch time. They take a break for an hour.

G: AAAArrrggghhhh! One hour. In Russia, is ten minutes lunch.

At precisely 2:15 pm a hooter sounds, and again the workers leave the factory.

G: AAAArrrggghhhh! Another break, nyet?

M: Yes, another break. They get 20 minutes afternoon smoke!

At 4:30 pm another hooter sounds and the factory grinds to a halt.

G: AAAArrrggghhhh! Another break?

M: No, theyve finished for the day.

G: In Russia start at 5:00 am, no breaks, ten minutes lunch, no breaks,
work till 7:00 pm at night. Right through, no breaks. Why you not make
them work harder?

M: Oh, we cant do that!

G: Why you cant make them work harder?

M: Because theyre all communists.

What is the difference between a single 40-year-old woman and a

single 40-year-old man?

The 40-year-old woman thinks often of having children and the

40-year-old man thinks often about dating them.

How do rednecks in Kentucky have four play?

Sis are you awake?

La mamá le dice a Pepito: Mijo ve y vende el guanajo para comprar comida que no hay dinero.

Pepito se va a ver que hace. Cuando iba a cruzar una calle ve una puerta abierta y dice A lo mejor me lo compran.

Va y entra y ve otra puerta abierta y entra por esa puerta, cuando de pronto se oye que la primera puerta se cierra. La mujer que estaba con otro hombre los mete a los dos en el armario porque había llegado el marido.

Ya dentro, en completa oscuridad, Pepito le dice al tipo: Oye te vendo el guanajo.

Yo no quiero ese guanajo.

¡Si no me lo compras grito!

¿En cuanto me lo vendes?

¡500 pesos!

¡Estas loco!

¡Grito!

Ok ok ¡te lo compro!

Al rato pepito le dice: ¡Oye te compro el guanajo!

Estás loco ¡pero si me lo acabas de vender!

¡Grito!

Así pasa varias veces hasta que Pepito se va y al llegar a la casa le enseña el dinero y el guanajo a la madre, y ella le dice: Pepito ¿Has robado? ¡Ven, vamos a la iglesia que tienes que confesarte!

Al llegar a la iglesia Pepito le dice al padre: Padre, he pecado.

¿Qué has echo hijo mío?

Usted ve… iba a vender un guanajo…

En ese momento el padre lo interrumpe y le dice:

¡¡¡Pero vas a seguir con el guanajo!!!?

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.



The woman notices this and asks, Is your date running late?



No, he replies, I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it.



The intrigued woman says, A state-of-the-art watch? Whats so special about it?



It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me, he explains.

Oh really? Whats it telling you now? she inquires.

Well, it says youre not wearing any panties…



The woman giggles and replies, Well it must be broken then, because I am wearing panties!



And the man starts tapping on the watch face and says,

Damn thing must be an hour fast!

A little boy, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, Mommy, why does the girl wear white?

His mom replies, The bride is in white because shes happy and this is the happiest day of her life.

The boy thinks about this, and then says, Well then, why is the boy wearing black?

A Yankees fan was enjoying himself at the game in a packed Yankee Stadium, until he noticed an empty seat down in front. He went down and asked the guy next to it if he knew whose seat it was.

The guy said, Yes, thats my wifes seat. We have never missed a game since Joe DiMaggio played, but now my wife is dead.

The fan offered his sympathy and said it was really too bad that he couldnt find some relative to enjoy the game with.

Oh no. I can. the guy replied. Its just that theyre all at the funeral.

How could Will Rogers say, I never met a man I didnt like?

He never had to date one.

1. If you do a good job and work hard, you may get a job with a better company someday. 2. Its only unethical if you get caught. 3. The light at the end of the tunnel has been turned off due to budget cuts. 4. We put the k in kwality 5. If something doesnt feel right, youre not feeling the right thing. 6. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity! 7. A person who smiles in the face of adversity probably has a scapegoat. 8. ABANDON ALL HOPE, ALL YE WHO ENTER HERE. 9. We make great money! We have great benefits! We do no work! We are union members! 10. 2 days without a Human Rights Violation! 11. Your job is still better than asking You want fries with that? 12. If at first you dont succeed, try management. 13. At least youre not being rectally probed by aliens. 14. Never quit until you have another job.