After his first day working at a department store. The manager walks up to his new sales men and asked him how many sales he had his first day.
The young man proudly answered ?One.? The manager replied ?only one, well how much was it for?? The young man responded with $39562. Curious the manager asked what he had sold.
He was buying some fishing hooks and I told him that he would probably need some stronger line to go with those hooks. He agreed but before he left I suggested he bought a new rod to go with his new line and hooks. And to my surprise he bought it as well. So I thought I would try to sell him a boat so that he could go out and catch some big fish. After deciding on the boat he realized that his car wouldn?t be able to tow the boat so I showed him the new truck we had and he bought that as well. By the time he had walked out his total was $39562.
The manager said ?you are one hell of a sales men a guy comes into buy fishing hooks and you sell him fishing line, a rod, a new boat, and even a truck?
?No? the clerk said ?He came in to buy tampons for his girlfriend and I said your weekend is pretty much shot you should go fishing!?
A plane takes off from New Yorks Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293, he says. The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and – OH MY GOD!
The intercom falls silent.
A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. Im so sorry for scaring you all earlier, he says.
But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!
Thats nothing, a passenger in coach shouted. You should see the back of mine!
How many union guys does it take to change a lightbulb? Fifteen. You got a problem with that?
1) Pretend to be one of the Bush family. Doesnt matter which.2) Have an uncontrollable lusting for someone else every five minutes.3) Pretend to be from different ethnic backgrounds every hour, and when people ask you about it, answer like a hillbilly would.4) Act like a hillbilly. Period.5) Improvise Italian operas.6) Gossip about someone to their face.7) Answer every question with a question.8) Repeat yourself constantly.9) Act like a member of the opposite sex.10) Repeat yourself constantly.11) Act like Mr. Flanders from The Simpsons.12) Repeat yourself constantly.13) Change what you repeat every now and then.14) Use homonyms in your e-male that the spell cheque would knot sea as miss steaks.15) Change what you repeat every now and then.16) Talk to someone while looking at somebody else.17) Employ in your casual banter extensive vocabulary that will befuddle thy contemporaries.18) Change what you repeat every now and then.19) One word: Caffeine.20) Another word or two: Caffeine and Sugar.21) stringwhateveryousayintoonelongwordsoitshardtomakeoutwhatyouresaying.22) Using non-existent words like George Bush would.23) Change what you repeat again.24) Speak in rapid Spanish. 25) Pretend not to know about the rule of personal space. 26) When doing number 25, pretend to have a heavy nose cold causing you to breathe heavily through your mouth. Sneeze occasionally.27) Change what you repeat again.28) You are better than everybody else. Let them know so.29) Rudely correct everybodys grammar. 30) Dont proper grammar use while you are correcting them.31) Pretend to be drunk.32) Groom yourself while standing backwards (towards everybody) in an elevator.33) Change what you repeat again.34) Pretend your name is Cletus-Atkins-Wheatherby-Percival-Smith, and dont answer to anything else.35) Call everybody you know Bob or Georgia. Bob for girls, Georgia for boys.36) Fine people for stupid things, like being too popular, or having to many teeth.37) Change what you repeat again.38) For those who wish to annoy, riddles is that in which you should speak.39) Lick your lips constantly, acting as if doing so is pleasurable.40) Pretend to be high.41) Become severely narcoleptic in the middle of a conversazzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.42) Change what you repeat again.43) You ARE the lord of the dance. Never forget that.44) Speak in Gaelic.45) Blink rapidly and constantly.46) Scratch yourself constantly. I am not saying where.47) Strut.48) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.49) Start repeating what you say as soon as you say it.50) Become "The Masked Wedgie Giver."51) Have this list printed on a T-shirt and write above it "Check list for Today." Dont let anybody forget that you have it on.
10. You can usually find someone to do it with.9. If you get tired, you can stop, save your place and pick up where you left off.8. You can finish early with-out feelings of guilt or shame.7. When you open a book, you dont have to worry about who else has opened it.6. A little coffee and you can do it all night.5. If you dont finish a chapter you wont gain a reputation as a book teaser.4. You can do it, eat and watch TV all at the same time.3. You dont get embarrassed if your parents interrupt you in the middle.2. You dont have to put your beer down to do it.1. If you arent sure what youre doing, you can always ask your roommate for help!
This ethnically disadvantaged male person goes into the travel agency and proclaims, Ive seen your ad about a $99.00 trip to Hawaii, and Id like to go.
The travel agent says, Listen, friend, this is my first day here, but I know about all the details of that crumby $99.00 offer, and believe me, you DONT want it. Take the next best offer, which is only $1,399.00.
Oh, no you dont, says the Polak, youre not going to catch ME with that bait and switch. The ad says $99.00 to Hawaii, and THATs what I want.
Okay, says the agent, who takes a baseball bat from under the desk and hits the Polak in the head. The Polak wakes up a few hours later, on a raft out in the Pacific Ocean!
He looks around, and theres NOTHING, only he and another Polak on the raft.
What are we going to do? cries our hero, surely theyll send a ship for us.
I dont think so, responds his new-found travelling companion, they didnt LAST YEAR.
George W. Bush told Dick Cheney, "I really hate all the stupid jokes people make about me." Cheney reassured him by saying, "Jokes cant hurt you. They are just made up by a bunch of stupid people. In fact, most humans are quite stupid. Here, Ill show you what I mean."Cheney goes outside and hails a D.C. cab and says to the driver, "Please take me to 261 M street to see if Im home," said Cheney. Without a word, the cabbie took them straight to M Street. Cheney then rang the doorbell, came back to the car and said, "Oh, I guess Im not there! Take us back to where we started, please."The cabbie did what he was told without a word. Cheney leaned over and said to Dubya, "You get the idea? People are idiots wherever you go! Dont worry about their opinions!"Bush said, "Thanks Dick. I feel a lot better." Then he winked and whispered, "Hooboy, was he stupid! He picked us up right in front of a phone booth. He should have realized you could have called instead!
Three men – an American, a Japanese and Banta Singh were sitting naked
in the sauna. Suddenly there was a beeping sound.
The American pressed his forearm and the beep stoped. The others looked
at him questioningly. That was my pager, he said. I have a microchip
under the skin of my arm.
A few minutes later a phone rang.
The Japanese lifted his palm to his ear. When he finished he explained,
That was my mobile phone. I have a microchip in my hand.
Banta felt decidedly low-tech but not to be outdone, decided he had to
do something just as impressive. He steped out of the sauna and went to
toilet. He returns with a piece of Toilet paper hanging from his butt.
The others raised their eyebrows and said, Wow! Whats that? Im
getting a Fax, he explains.
Did you hear about the blonde who gave his cat a bath?
He still hasnt gotten all the hair off his tongue.
Dos viejas estrellas de Hollywood se encuentran en la ceremonia de los Oscares, tras muchos años de no verse. La primera se quiere dar a notar y dice, ¿SabÃas que hice asegurar mis pechos por un millón de dólares?
Y la segunda le responde: ¿S� ¿Y qué hiciste con todo ese dinero?