Old and New Jokes

Impossible to drive away

Jack up the car, put blocks under the axle, then lower the car onto the blocks. When the newlyweds try to make their getaway, watch them rev…and rev…and rev.

When his wifes snoring woke him for the third straight night, Harry went to the bathroom medicine cabinet, got some aspirin and popped two tablets into her gaping mouth. Awk, glub! choked his startled wife. What the… Its okay, honey. I gave you some aspirin, he explained. Why? I dont have a headache! Great! said Harry, triumphantly. Lets fuck!

A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender, “Quick pour me twelve drinks.” So the bartender pours him twelve shots and the guy starts shooting them back really fast, one after another. The bartender says to the guy, “Boy you are drinking those drinks really fast.” The guys says, “Well, you would be drinking really fast too if you had what Ive got.” The bartender says, “Whatve you got?” The guy says, “75 cents.”

One school day, a little girl was really tired, the lesson was religious studies and the girl had questions fired at her, the teacher asked her who is our lord above? and the boy behind her poked her back with a pencil and she shouted GOD AlMIGHTY! and then the teacher asked her who is the son of God? and the boy poked her again and she shouted JESUS CHRIST and then the teacher asked her what did eve say to Adam after they had their third child and the boy poked her again and she shouted IF U POKE THAT THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME ILL SNAP IT IN HALF!

Great Female Comebacks

Man: Havent we met before? Woman: Yes, Im the receptionist at the VD Clinic.

Man: Havent I seen you someplace before? Woman: Yeah, thats why I dont go there anymore.

Man: Is this seat empty? Woman: Yes, and this one will be too if you sit down.

Man: Your place or mine? Woman: Both. You go to yours and Ill go to mine.

Man: Id like to call you. Whats your number? Woman: Its in the phone book. Man: But I dont know your name. Woman: Thats in the phone book too.

Man: So what do you do for a living? Woman: Im a female impersonator.

Man: Hey, baby, whats your sign? Woman: Do not Enter

Man: How do you like your eggs in the morning? Woman: Unfertilized !

Man: Hey, come on, were both here at this bar for the same reason. Woman: Yeah! Lets pick up some chicks!

Man: I know how to please a woman. Woman: Then why arent you leaving me alone?

Man: I want to give myself to you. Woman: Sorry, I dont accept cheap gifts.

Man: If I could see you naked, Id die happy: Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, Id probably die laughing.

Man: Your body is like a temple. Woman: Sorry, there are no services today.

Man: Id go through anything for you. Woman: Good! Lets start with your bank account.

Man: I would go to the end of the world for you. Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

In a long line of people waiting for a bank teller, one guy suddenly started massaging the back of the person in front of him. Surprised, the man in front turned and snarled, Just what the hell you are doing?



Well, said the guy, you see, Im a chiropractor and I could see that you were tense, so I had to massage your back. Sometimes I just cant help practicing my art!



Thats the stupidest thing Ive ever heard! the guy replied. Im a lawyer. Do you see me screwing the guy in front of me?

WASHINGTON, D.C.–The Institute for the Investigation of Irregular
Internet Phenomena announced today that many Internet users are
becoming infected by a new virus that causes them to believe without
question every groundless story, legend, and dire warning that shows
up in their InBox or on their browser. The Gullibility Virus, as it
is called, apparently makes people believe and forward copies of
silly hoaxes relating to cookie recipes, E-Mail viruses, taxes on
modems, and get-rich-quick schemes.

These are not just readers of tabloids or people who buy lottery
tickets based on fortune cookie numbers, a spokesman said. Most are
otherwise normal people, who would laugh at the same stories if told
to them by a stranger on a street corner. However, once these same
people become infected with the Gullibility Virus, they believe
anything they read on the Internet.

My immunity to tall tales and bizarre claims is all gone, reported
one weeping victim. I believe every warning message and sick child
story my friends forward to me, even though most of the messages are
anonymous.

Another victim, now in remission, added, When I first heard about
Good Times, I just accepted it without question. After all, there
were dozens of other recipients on the mail header, so I thought the
virus must be true. It was a long time, the victim said, before she
could stand up at a Hoaxees Anonymous meeting and state, My
name is Jane, and Ive been hoaxed. Now, however, she is spreading
the word. Challenge and check whatever you read, she says.

Internet users are urged to examine themselves for symptoms of the
virus, which include the following:

the willingness to believe improbable stories without thinking

the urge to forward multiple copies of such stories to others

a lack of desire to take three minutes to check to see if
a story is true

T. C. is an example of someone recently infected. He told one
reporter, I read on the Net that the major ingredient in almost all
shampoos makes your hair fall out, so Ive stopped using shampoo.
When told about the Gullibility Virus, T. C. said he would stop
reading e-mail, so that he would not become infected.

Anyone with symptoms like these is urged to seek help immediately.
Experts recommend that at the first feelings of gullibility, Internet
users rush to their favorite search engine and look up the item
tempting them to thoughtless credence. Most hoaxes, legends, and
tall tales have been widely discussed and exposed by the Internet
community.

Courses in critical thinking are also widely available, and there is
online help from many sources, including

Department of Energy Computer Incident Advisory
Capability at http://ciac.llnl.gov/ciac/CIACHoaxes.html

Symantec Anti Virus Research Center at
http://www.symantec.com/avcenter/index.html

McAfee Associates Virus Hoax List at
http://www.mcafee.com/support/hoax.html

Dr. Solomons Hoax Page at
http://www.drsolomons.com/vircen/hoax.html

The Urban Legends Web Site at http://www.urbanlegends.com

Urban Legends Reference Pages at http://www.snopes.com

Datafellows Hoax Warnings at
http://www.Europe.Datafellows.com/news/hoax.htm

Those people who are still symptom free can help inoculate
themselves against the Gullibility Virus by reading some good
material on evaluating sources, such as

Evaluating Internet Research Sources at
http://www.sccu.edu/faculty/R_Harris/evalu8it.htm

Evaluation of Information Sources at
http://www.vuw.ac.nz/~agsmith/evaln/evaln.htm

Bibliography on Evaluating Internet Resources at
http://refserver.lib.vt.edu/libinst/critTHINK.HTM

Lastly, as a public service, Internet users can help stamp out the
Gullibility Virus by sending copies of this message to anyone who
forwards them a hoax.

Forward this message to all your friends right away! Dont think
about it! This is not a chain letter! This story is true! Dont
check it out! This story is so timely, there is no date on it!
This story is so important, were using lots of exclamation points!!!
For every message you forward to some unsuspecting person,
the Home for the Hopelessly Gullible will donate ten cents to
itself. (If you wonder how the Home will know you are forwarding
these messages all over creation, youre obviously thinking too
much.)

You know youre out of college when…

1. Your salary is less than your tuition.

2. Your potted plants stay alive.

3. Shacking in a twin-sized bed seems absurd.

4. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.

5. You have to pay your own credit card bill.

6. Mac & Cheese no longer counts as a well-balanced meal.

7. You havent seen a soap opera in over a year.

8. 8:00 am is not early.

9. You have to file your own taxes.

10. You hear your favorite song on the elevator at work.

11. Youre not carded anymore.

12. You carry an umbrella.

13. You learn that bachelor is a nice term for jackass.

14. Extended childhood only really pertains to your salary which is a little less than your allowance used to be. 15 . Twenty-something means over-qualified, under-paid and not married.

16. Your friends marry instead of hook-up and divorce instead of break-up.

17. You start watching the weather channel.

18. Jeans, flannels and baseball caps arent staples in your wardrobe.

19. You can no longer take shots, and smoking gives you a sinus attack.

20. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 7.

21. You stop confusing 401k plan with 10K run.

22. You go to parties that police dont raid.

23. Adults feel comfortable telling jokes about sex in front of you…and theyre no longer adults – they are your peers.

24. You dont know what time Wendys closes anymore.

25. Your car insurance goes down.

26. You refer to college students as kids.

27. You drink wine, scotch and martinis instead of beer, bourbon and rum.

28. Your parents start making casual remarks about grandchildren.

29. You feed your dog science diet instead of taco bell.

30. Your idea of a rocking Friday night is scoring one of the new releases at Blockbuster.

31. Half your conversations with current college students start with, When I was in college…

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Albert!
Albert who!
Albert you dont know who this is!

Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self hypnosis.

To her joy, everything got much better.

However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes.

This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him.

There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique:

Shes not my wife… Shes not my wife… Shes not my wife…