Old and New Jokes

How many Princeton students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two – one to mix the martinis and one to call the electrician.

How many Brown students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Eleven – one to change the lightbulb and ten to share the experience.

How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None – Hanover doesnt have electricity.

How many Cornell students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Two – One to change the lightbulb and one to crack under the pressure.

How many Penn students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one, but he gets six credits for it.

How many Columbia students does it take to change a lightbulb?

Seventy-six – one to change the lightbulb, fifty to protest the lightbulbs right to not change, and twenty-five to hold a counter-protest.

How many Yale students does it take to change a lightbulb?

None – New Haven looks better in the dark.

How many Harvard students does it take to change a lightbulb?

One – he holds the bulb and the world revolves around him.

Democrats buy most of the books that have been banned
somewhere.

Republicans form censorship committees and read them as
a group.

Democrats give their worn out clothes to those less
fortunate.

Republicans wear theirs.

Democrats name their children after currently popular
sports figures, politicians, and entertainers.

Republican children are named after their parents or
grandparents, according to where the money is.

Republicans tend to keep their shades drawn, although
there is seldom any reason why they should.

Democrats ought to, but dont.

Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to
marry Republican girls, but feel that theyre entitled to a
little fun first.

Democrats make plans and then do something else.

Republicans follow the plans their grandfathers made.

Republicans sleep in twin beds–some even in separate
rooms.

That is why there are more Democrats.

One day, a Chinese couple has a child. A few hours after the delivery, they both wanted to see the baby, but the nurse came back from the nursery holding a white baby. Wait a minute, the father said. Two Wongs dont make a white!

A bloke who had just bought a pint of beer in a pub remembered that he had to make a telephone call. To make sure nobody stole his beer he wrote untruthfully on a piece of paper: I have spat in this beer

On his return, he found that his beer was intact, but someone had added the words: So have I.

A truck driver is heading west across the Arizona desert. He has been driving all night, and as the sun starts to rise, he feels the need to stop and commune with nature. He pulls to the side of the road, parks, and walks out into the sage brush.

As he is standing there, looking around at the beauty of the early morn, he notices a lever sticking out of the ground. After a few moments, he walks over, walks all the way around, and then reaches out to grasp the lever. Just as he does, he hears a voice say, Dont touch that lever.

The driver jumps about two feet off the ground, and as he comes down, he looks around. No one is to be seen. Thinking it was just his imagination, he again reaches for the lever. Again the voice yells, I said dont touch that lever!

Being more prepared, the driver senses the location of the voice and looks down under a sage brush. There he sees a small snake.

The driver, in much astonishment, said, Was that you that just spoke?

The snake said, Yes. I have to keep people from touching that lever. If the lever is moved, it will be the end of the world.

The driver, still rather astonished, said, What is your name? And will you talk on TV? The snake said his name was Nate and that he wasnt interested in going on TV; anyway, he had to stay and watch the lever to see that it wasnt moved.

The driver said, Look, I will get the networks to send out camera crews. That way, you can inform the entire world about the danger of the lever.

Nate thought that over and allowed as how there was a great deal of sense to the idea. The driver, true to his word, got the network camera crews out. They put on broadcasts in which Nate warned the entire world of the dangers of moving the lever.

A few weeks later, another truck driver was going through the area. He was following an oil tanker, and the tanker sprang a leak. When the drivers truck hit the slick, it went out of control, and he found himself headed straight for the lever. He remembered seeing Nate on the TV telling about the lever and so he knew that if he hit it, he would cause the world to end. He strove, with all his might to maneuver the truck. Finally, at the last possible moment, he was able to swerve, but he ran over Nate, the snake, and killed him flat.

The truck driver was elated that he had missed the lever, but sad that he killed Nate. Philosophically he mused, Well, better Nate than lever.

This is Captain Sinclair speaking. On behalf of my crew Id like to welcome you aboard British Airways flight 602 from New York to London. We are currently flying at a height of 35,000 feet midway across the Atlantic.If you look out of the windows on the starboard side of the aircraft, you will observe that both the starboard engines are on fire.If you look out of the windows on the port side, you will observe that the port wing has fallen off.If you look down towards the Atlantic ocean, you will see a little yellow life raft with three people in it waving at you.Thats me your captain, the co-pilot, and one of the air stewardesses. This is a recorded message. Have a good flight!

One day a man drove by a farm and saw a three-legged pig. The man went up to the farmer and said, Excuse me sir, but why does that pig only have 3 legs?

Well, said the farmer, that there pig is very special. One time my wife was cooking something she stepped out of the kitchen and it caught on fire. No one in the house knew about it but the pig and he saved me, my wife, and my 2 kids.

Thats amazing sir but why does that pig onlly have three legs? said the man.

Then there was that time the pig saw a big storm coming and we didnt. The pig ran into the house and dragged us out to the storm cellar. If it werent for that pig we would all be dead.

But still, that doesnt explain why the pig only has 3 legs.

And I remember the time my youngest son was stuck up in a tree but I was too far away to hear him scream. The pig came running towards me and led me to where he was.

Well, that is miracle but how come that pig only has 3 legs? the man said quite annoyed at this point.

Well, said the farmer, with a pig that special…

you have to eat em real slow.

Im from the FAA and Im here to help you.
Me? Ive never busted minimums.
We will be on time, maybe even early.
Pardon me, maam, I seem to have lost my jet keys.
I have no interest in flying for the airlines.
I fixed it right the first time, it must have failed for other reasons.
All that turbulence spoiled my landing.
Im a member of the mile high club.
I only need glasses for reading.
I broke out right at minimums.
The weather is gonna be alright; its clearing to VFR.
Dont worry about the weight and balance – itll fly.
If we get a little lower I think well see the lights.
Im 22, got 6000 hours, a four year degree and 3000 hours in a Lear.
We shipped the part yesterday.
Id love to have a woman co-pilot.
All you have to do is follow the book.
This plane outperforms the book by 20 percent.
We in aviation are overpaid, underworked and well respected.
Oh sure, no problem, Ive got over 2000 hours in that aircraft.
I have 5000 hours total time, 3200 are actual instrument.
No need to look that up, Ive got it all memorized.
Sure I can fly it – it has wings, doesnt it?
Well be home by lunchtime.
Your plane will be ready by 2 oclock.
Im always glad to see the FAA.
We fly every day – we dont need recurrent training.
It just came out of annual – how could anything be wrong?
I thought YOU took care of that.
Ive got the field in sight.
Ive got the traffic in sight.
Of course I know where we are.
Im SURE the gear was down.

Never trust a pilot with clean hands. Never address a major international terrorist as Bubbi.

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?

He sold his soul to Santa



Did you hear about the guy that lost his left arm and leg in a car crash?

Hes all right now.



How do crazy people go through the forest?

They take the psycho path.



How do you get holy water?

Boil the hell out of it.



How does a spoiled rich girl change a lightbulb?

She says, Daddy, I want a new apartment.



What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

Dam!



What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

Polaroids.



What do prisoners use to call each other?

Cell phones.



What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

National Dyslexics Association.



What do you call a boomerang that doesnt work?

A stick.



What do you call cheese that isnt yours?

Nacho Cheese.



What do you call Santas helpers?

Subordinate Clauses.



What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?

Quatro sinko.



What do you get from a pampered cow?

Spoiled milk.



What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

Frostbite.



What do you get when you cross an elephant and a skin doctor?

A pachydermatologist



What has four legs, is big, green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you?

A pool table.



What is a zebra?

25 sizes larger than an A bra.



What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.

and what kind of lettuce? Iceberg.



What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

A nervous wreck.



Where do you get virgin wool from?

Ugly sheep/the one that can run the fastest.



Why do bagpipers walk when they play?

Theyre trying to get away from the noise.

The severity of the itch is proportional to inability to the reach it.

Two wrongs are only the beginning.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time youll have to catch up.

A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.

A fool and his money are soon partying.