Old and New Jokes

During an Army war game a commanding officers jeep got stuck in the mud. The C.O. saw some men lounging around nearby and asked them to help him get unstuck.

Sorry sir, said one of the loafers, but we’ve been classified dead and the umpire said we couldnt contribute in any way.



The C.O. turned to his driver and said, Go drag a couple of those dead bodies over here and throw them under the wheels to give us some traction.

A posh hotel holds three weddings on the same day and at the end of the night the 3 grooms meet up at the bar to discuss the days events over a couple of shandys.



One questions the other two, listen, its our wedding night and I was wondering – how many times are we expected to…um…you know…. do it The other two look blankly at him, wondering if the usual 2 pumps and a squirt is enough, or if should they go for it twice, seeing as it is a special occasion. Eventually, they all decide to retire to their respective wives and see how the night goes, with the idea to meet up the following morning over breakfast to discuss what went on.



Suddenly one of the grooms pipes up, Hold on lads, we cant discuss our first night marital goings on over the breakfast table with our new wives sat with us.



No youre right. What well do then, is for every piece of toast we order with our breakfast, thatll be the amount times we did it offers another groom. They all decide its an excellent idea and depart.



The next day in the hotel dining room, the grooms are all looking a bit dishevelled, but thats nothing compared to the brides, who can barely stagger across the room to their tables. The waitress comes up to the first groom to take his order, Hello, Ill have the full English breakfast with THREE pieces of toast please. The other two grooms smile at him and raise a glass of fresh orange in a toast to his fantastic prowess.



The waitress moves to the second couple, and the groom orders, I too shall have the full English breakfast but could I have FOUR pieces of toast The other two grooms turn to make pistols from their fingers to shoot a salute to the master swordsman.



The waitress gets to the last groom I shall also have the full English breakfast please, yet I shall have… he takes a deep breath SEVEN, yes SEVEN PIECES OF TOAST he calls for everyones benefit whilst giving a big cheesy grin to his two wedding mates, who stare at him in disbelief at the thought how raw his poor corey must be.



Seven pieces of toast sir? queries the waitress. Why, thats an awful lot



Yes indeed young lady, seven pieces of toast it is. She writes down his order and turns away, but before she can leave, the groom calls after her again



And by the way love, can you make two of those brown?

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

75. Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foiliage.

Has it occurred to anyone yet that the reason we havent gotten any
replies from Out There may be the same as the reason we dont often
bother flaming AOLers?

Oh, _goody_, Yendor—heres another one. Lets see, it says
[*** –> MAKE FRIENDS FAST !!! <– ***] on the front panel; how
_original_. Two nudes on the plaque, scanned in at low res.
What do you want to bet they didnt get permission from the
copyright holder? Hmm…address in pulsar distances, but they
mangled the Reply-To: line; I dont think Sol III is a fully
qualified domain at all. You would think all these spammers
out in Sirius sector would know about the anonymous reposter
at Fomalhaut by now, anyway….

Well, do we forward it to their sysop?

Whats the point? Look at the header; its some dinky yellow
G2 dwarf. The sector is lousy with them—if we have Her shut
it down, theyll find another star before She even has time to
clean out the logfiles and reboot.

But look at this bandwidth-hogging crap—this audio disk must
have a couple of hundred incompatible languages on it. I dont
think this one is even the same _species_; it sounds more like a
whale to me.

Well, if theyve got whales on-site, maybe theyll ask some
questions and eventually get a clue. In the meantime, I cant
be bothered; Ive got a whole globular cluster to upgrade to
4.0.2 this eon. Besides, in the long run it only encourages
them. The sort of pathetic race who starts these chain
letters craves any kind of attention at all.

[This one is original to me; Yendor and Zontak will be way pissed
if anyone forwards it along without my name….]

A programmer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, Ill turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The programmer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, Ill stay with you and do anything you want.” Again the programmer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.
Finally, the frog asked, “What is the matter? Ive told you Im a beautiful princess that Ill stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why wont you kiss me?” The programmer said, “Look, Im a programmer. I dont have time for a girlfriend — but a talking frog, now thats cool.”

As the midwinter flight completes is descent into Tel Aviv, the flight crew announces, Ladies and Gentelmen, we ask that you remain seated until the plane has come to a complete stop, and the pilot turns off the seatbelt sign.


And to those of you who are still seated, Merry Christmas.

MEMO TO: All Hospital Staff

FROM: Administration/Groundskeeper

SUBJECT: New Cost Cutting Measures

Effective January 1 this hospital will no longer provide security. Each charge nurse will be issued a .38 caliber revolver and 12 rounds of ammunition. An additional 12 rounds will be stored in the pharmacy. In addition to routine nursing duties, Charge Nurses will rotate the patrolling of the hospital grounds. A bicycle and helmet will be provided for patrolling the park areas.

In light of the similarity of monitoring equipment, ICU will now take over the security surveillance duties. The unit secretary will be responsible for watching cardio and security monitors as well as continuing previous secretarial duties.

Food service will be discontinued. Patients wishing to be fed will need to let their families know to bring something, or may make arrangements with Subway, Dominos, etc., before meal time. Coin-operated telephones will be available in the patient rooms for this purpose as well as for other calls the patient may wish to make.

Housekeeping and physical therapy are being combined. Mops will be issued to those patients who are ambulatory, thus providing range-of-motion exercise as well as a clean environment. Family-members and friends of patients and ambulatory patients may also sign up to clean the room of non-ambulatory patients for special discounts on their final bills. Time cards will be provided.

As you can see on the FROM line above, administration is assuming groundskeeping duties. If an administrator cannot be reached by calling his/her office it is suggested that you walk outside and listen for the sound of a lawn mower, weed whacker, etc.

Engineering is being eliminated. The hospital has subscribed to the TIME-LIFE How to… series of maintenance books. These books can be checked out from administration, and a toolbox will be standard equipment on all nursing units. We will be receiving the series at a rate of one volume every other month. We already have the volume on Basic Wiring, but if a non-electrical problem occurs, please try to handle it as best as you can until the appropriate volume arrives.

Cutbacks in the phlebotomy staff will be accommodated by only performing blood-related lab tests on patients who are already bleeding.

Physicians will be informed that they may order no more the two x-rays per patient stay. This is due to the turnaround time required by Eckerds photo lab. Two prints will be provided for the price of one, and physicians are being advised to clip coupons from the Sunday paper if they want extra sets. Eckerds will also honor competitors coupons for one-hour processing in the emergency situations, so if you come across any coupons, please clip them and send them to the ER.

In light of the extremely hot summer temperature the electric company has been asked to install individual meters in each patient room, office, etc., so that the electrical consumption can be monitored and appropriately billed. Fans will be available for sale or lease in the hospital gift shop.

In addition to the current recycling programs, a bin for the collection of unused fruit and bread will soon be provided on each floor. Families, patients, and the few remaining employees are encouraged to contribute discarded produce. The resulting moldy compost will be utilized by the pharmacy for nocosomial production of antibiotics. These antibiotics will also be available for purchase through the hospital pharmacy and will, coincidentally, soon be the only antibiotics listed on the HMOs formulary.

Beverly Hillbillies

Miss Jane tries to convince Mr. Drysdale to network all the PCs in
the bank, but, typically, he wont spend the money. Frustrated,
Miss Jane pleads with Jed Clampett to persuade Mr. Drysdale to
put in the LAN, but Jed thinks she said put in the ham. Jed
then gets Granny to cook up a dozen hams and has Jethro and Ellie
Mae bring them to the bank. When they arrive, everybody is out to
lunch, so Jethro begins to distribute the hams, but is frustrated
when he cant get the coaxial cable to stay attached to the ham
bone. To further complicate matters, Ellie May has brought along
her pet goats, which begin to eat the ham and cable, causing the
the VAX to short out and force an emergency electronic fund
transfer of the Clampett millions to a competitive bank. As Mr.
Drysdale is seen chasing Miss Jane down the hall with a crazed look
in his eye, swinging a ham at her, Jed is heard to remark, Weee-
doggie! Why look at that Granny. Mr. Drysdale is so happy about
whut we done, hes gonna give Miss Jane her own ham!

Gilligans Island

The Professor finds some rare binary coconuts that can be used to
upgrade the ROM in his bamboo clone modem to support X.25. After
hours of effort, he manages to establish a connection via his
papaya-based VT 100 terminal and satellite uplink with Telenet, but
falls asleep from exhaustion. Gilligan walks up and types +++
then ATH and drops the line. The Skipper beans him with a rock
and finally loses it, his seafaring years catch up with him and he
starts making lewd remarks to Mary Ann about playing Leisure Suit
Larry IV together. Meanwhile, Mr. Howell finally figures out how
to work the ISDN set that was accidently dropped by a passing JAL
jet and has a heart attack when he hears via Dow Jones News
Retrieval that the stock market has soared above 3000 points.
Ginger calls CompuServe and E-mails some software developers in an
effort to convince them that she should would be a good model for
MacStripPoker 2.0. Eventually, all connectivity on the island is
lost, when Gilligan discovers an actor in a bad gorilla costume has
shorted pins 2&3 on the serial cable, and everybody on the island
has just been echoing characters to each other.

The Brady Bunch

Peter uses Crosstalk Mk.4 to dial into the high school computer
and, through hacking tricks picked up from a local adults only
BBS, is able to access individual students permanent records. He
scans through the listings, then, using a clever keyboard macro,
alters his completed courses such that he wont be required to
take English Lit again. However, Jan is working in the school
office at the time and is alerted to the invasion by a diligent
anti-virual TSR. She is then tormented with having to decide to do
the right thing or be loyal to her brother. Jan goes home and
talks to Alice, who says she should analyze all the factors and
then decide after using the new artificial intelligence software
Mr. Brady has recently installed on his Pentium laptop. Jan tries
to use the program, but instead accidently deletes all the files
in the Harvard Graphics directory, leaving Mr. Brady to blow a
presentation the next day. Mrs. Brady finds out via Jan what
happened, and forces Peter to write I will not hack into the
school computer 5000 times with EDLIN while the rest of the family
eats angel food cake on the patio.

The Mary Tyler Moore Show

Mr. Grant tells Mary to come up with some hard facts about all the
activity out in Silicon Valley. Mary grabs her Mac portable and
jumps on a plane west. Unfortunately, she leaves the Mac switched
on and, due to an undiscovered bug in the latest release of System
and Finder, the hard disk continually optimizes itself when no
keyboard input is recorded for more than five minutes. Needless to
say, she has a dead Mac when arriving and spends the next few hours
trying to find a replacement. Meanwhile, Ted begins his broadcast
and notes that We expected to have some good information about
Silicon Valley for this broadcast, but somebody had to take a Mac
and not a reliable laptop PC! Frantic, Mary calls long distance
over crystalline fiber optic lines to get help from Rhoda, who
doesnt answer the phone because she is playing Bomber and has the
headphones on. However, Phylliss snotty daughter is around and
answers. She listens to Mary whine, then hangs up the phone. Mary
is last seen violently flinging the Mac out a speeding taxi window
while crossing the Bay Bridge.

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a Highway Patrol officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!. So he hits the lights and siren and pulls the driver over.Approaching the car, he notices that in addition to the elderly lady driver, there are four other elderly ladies as passengers, two in the front seat and three in the back. And all four passengers are wide-eyed and white as ghosts.The driver, obviously confused, says, Officer, what seems to be the problem? I am sure I wasnt speeding.Maam, the officer replies, you werent speeding, but you should know that driving very slow can also be a danger to other drivers.The woman puffs up a bit, and exclaims proudly, Slower than the speed limit? No sir, I was doing the speed limit exactly — twenty- two miles an hour!The officer, trying to contain a chuckle explains to her that 22 was the route number, not the speed limit.Now a bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the officer for pointing out her error. About to leave, the officer asks, Before I let you go, Maam, I have to ask — is everyone in this car OK? Your passengers seem awfully shaken and they havent even muttered a single peep this whole time. Oh, theyll all be all right in a minute officer. You see, we just got off Route 119.

A sardarji with two red ears went to his doctor. The doctor asked him what had happened to his ears and he answered, I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang – but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear.
Oh Dear! the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. But .. what happened to your other ear?
The scoundrel called back.