(and I thought it was hard to write down verbal humor . . . Ill give it
a try though.)
This was a one panel cartoon in Aboriginal Science Fiction.
On the bridge of a flying saucer, flying over the Earth:
An alien soldier and his commander.
Soldier to commander:
Well, now that weve captured their king theyll have to surrender!
Behind them, bound and gagged:
Elvis.
Remember when……..
A computer was something on TV from
a science fiction show of note
a window was something you hated to clean
and ram was the cousin of a goat
Meg was the name of my girlfriend
and gig was a job for the nights
now they all mean different things
and that really mega bytes
An application was for employment
a program was a TV show
a cursor used profanity
a keyboard was a piano
Memory was something that you lost with age
a CD was a bank account
and if you had a 3 1/2 floppy
you hoped nobody found out
Compress was something you did to the garbage
not something you did to a file
and if you unzipped anything in public
youd be in jail for a while
Log on was adding wood to the fire
hard drive was a long trip on the road
a mouse pad was where a mouse lived
and a backup happened to your commode
Cut you did with a pocket knife
paste you did with glue
a web was a spiders home
and a virus was the flu
I guess Ill stick to my pad and paper
and the memory in my head
I hear nobodys been killed in a computer crash
but when it happens they wish they were dead.
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Minnie!
Minnie who?
Minnie more!
Here is a basic descriptions of what may happen if an airplane had a specific operating system running.
DOS: Everybody pushes it till it glides, then jumps on and lets it coast till it skids, then jumps off, pushes, jumps back on, etc.
DOS with QEMM: Same as DOS, but with more leg room for pushing.
Anita Hill virus: Lies dormant for ten years.
A guy walked into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the alligator up on the bar and turned to the astonished patrons.
Ill make you a deal. Ill open this alligators mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. Hell then open his mouth and Ill remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink.
The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligators open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genital, unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks was delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer.
Ill pay anyone $100 whos willing to give it a try.
A hush fell over the crowd.
After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up, Ill try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.
First Law of Procrastination: Procrastination shortens the job and places the responsibility for its termination on someone else (i.e., the authority who imposed the deadline).
Did you ever hear one of those corny, positive messages on someones answering machine?
Hi, Its a great day and Im out enjoying it right now. I hope you are too. The thought for the day is Share the love.
Beep.
Uh, yeah … This is the VD clinic calling … Speaking of being positive, your test is back. Stop sharing the love!
One Sunday afternoon, a drunk stumbles into a baptismal service down by the river. He staggers into the water and stands next to the minister, who turns, notices the old drunk and says, Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?
The drunk looks back and says, Yes sir, I am.
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. Have you found Jesus? the minister asks.
No, I didnt! says the drunk.
The minister then dunks him under for a quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, Now, brother, have you found Jesus?
No, I did not! says the drunk again.
Disgusted, the minister holds the man under for at least thirty seconds this time, brings him up and demands, For the grace of God, have you found Jesus yet?!
The old drunk wipes his eyes and pleads, Are you sure this is where he fell in?
There was this little boy about 10 years old walking down the sidewalk
dragging a flattened frog on a string behind him. He walked up to a
house of ill repute and knocked on the door. When the Madam answered it,
she saw the little boy and asked what he wanted. He said, I want to
have sex with one of the women inside. I have the money and Im not
leaving until I do.
The Madam figured, why not, so she told him to come in. Once in, she
told him to pick any of the girls he liked.
He asked, Do any of the girls have any diseases?
Of course, the Madam said no.
He said, I heard all the men talking about having to get shots after
making it with Amber. THATS the girl I want!
Since the little boy was so adamant and had the money to pay for it, the
Madam told him to go to the first room on the right. He headed down the
hall dragging the squashed frog behind him.
Ten minutes later he came back, still dragging the frog, paid the Madam,
and headed out the door. The Madam stopped him and asked, Why did you
pick the only girl in the place with a disease, instead of one of the
others?
He said, Well, if you must know, tonight when I get home, my parents
are going out to a restaurant to eat, leaving me at home with my
baby-sitter. After they leave, my baby-sitter will have sex with me
because she just happens to be very fond of little boys. She will get
the disease that I just caught. When Mom and Dad get back, Dad will take
the baby-sitter home. On the way, hell jump the baby-sitters bones,
and hell catch the disease.
Then when Dad gets home from the baby-sitters, he and Mom will go to bed
and have sex, and Mom will catch it. In the morning when Dad goes to
work, the Milkman will deliver the milk, have a quickie with Mom and
catch the disease, and HES the son-of-a-bitch who ran over my FROG!