A man travelling by plane and in urgent need to use the mens room is nervously tapping his foot on the floor of the aircraft. Each time he tried the mens room door, it was OCCUPIED.
The stewardess, aware of his predicament suggested that he go ahead and use the Ladies room, but cautioned him against using any of the buttons inside. The Buttons were marked WW, WA, PP, and ATR.
Making the mistake that so many men make in disregarding the importance of what a woman says, the man let his curiosity get the best of him and decided to try the buttons anyway. He carefully pressed the first button marked WW and immediately warm water sprayed all over his entire bottom. He thought, WOW, the women really have it made! Still curious he pressed the button marked WA and a gentle breeze of warm air quickly dried his hind quarters. He thought that was out of this world! The Button marked PP yielded a large powder puff which delicately applied a soft talc to his rear. Well, naturally he couldnt resist the last button marked ATR.
When he woke up in the hospital he panicked and buzzed for the nurse. When she appeared, he cried out, What happened to me?! The last thing I remember is I was in the ladies room on a business trip!
The nurse replied, Yes you were having a great time until you pressed the ATR button which stands for Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow!
On reaching his plane seat a man is surprised to see a parrot strapped in next to him. He asks the stewardess for a coffee where upon the parrot squawks And get me a whisky you cow! The stewardess, flustered, brings back a whisky for the parrot and forgets the coffee.
When this omission is pointed out to her the parrot drains its glass and bawls And get me another whisky you idiot. Quite upset, the girl comes back shaking with another whisky but still no coffee.
Unaccustomed to such slackness the man tries the parrots approach Ive asked you twice for a coffee, go and get it now or Ill kick you.
The next moment, both he and the parrot have been wrenched up and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly stewards. Plunging downwards the parrot turns to him and says For someone who cant fly, you complain too much!
Q: How do you get 100 jews in a bus?
A: Throw a quarter into the bus.
Q: How do you get them out?
A: Tell them Hitlers driving.
How to satisfy a woman every time:
Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humour, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive, sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl, show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, grovel, ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil, embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, dick, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate, repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle, snoozle, snurfle, elevate, enervate, alleviate, spotweld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, dont care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, buy, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship … and then go back, Jack, and do it again.
How to satisfy a man every time:
Show up naked … with beer.
You might be a redneck if…
You need an estimate from your barber before you get a haircut.
What goes a hundred miles an hour around the desert?
An Ethiopian with a free voucher at McDonalds.
41. Q: Why did the elephant cross the road?
A: Chickens day off.
42. Q: Whats more difficult than getting a pregnant elephant in a VW bug?
A: Getting an elephant pregnant in a VW bug.
43. Q. Why do elephants wear tiny green hats?
A. To sneak across a pool table without being seen.
44. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Bloody great holes all over Australia.
45. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a rhinoceros?
A: Elephino.
46. Q: How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed?
A: Your nose is touching the ceiling.
47. Q: Why do elephants wear sandals?
A: So that they dont sink in the sand.
48. Q: Why do ostriches stick their head in the ground?
A: To look for the elephants who forgot to wear their sandals.
49. Q. What is the difference between an elephant and a blueberries?
A. Theyre both blue, except for the elephant.
50. Q: Why are elephants feet shaped the way they are?
A: To fit on lily pads.
51. Q: What is that stuff between elephants toes?
A: Slow natives.
52. Q: Why do elephants paint the soles of their feet yellow?
A: So that they can hide upside-down in bowls of custard.
53. Q: Did you ever find an elephant in your custard?
A: No? Well, it must work.
54. Q. Why do elephants have four feet?
A. Because lady elephants have big twats.
55. Q: What do elephants use for tampons?
A: Sheep.
Q: Why do elephants have long trunks?
A: Because sheep dont have strings.
56. Q: What do elephants use for condoms?
A: Snakes.
57. Q: What do elephants use for vibrators?
A: Epileptic pigmies.
58. Q: What is an elephants sex organ?
A: His foot… If he steps on you youre FUCKED!
59. Q: What do you call any elephant who is an expert on skin disorders?
A: A pachydermatoligist.
60. Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a hooker?
A: A two-ton pickup.
61. Q: What did the female elephant say during sex?
A: Can I be on top this time?
62. Q: What did the elephant say to the nude man?
A: Cute, but can you breathe through it?
63. Q: What is the height of ambition?
A: An ant climbing an elephants leg with the intention of rape.
64. Q: Whats grey and puts out forest fires?
A: Smokey the Elephant.
65. Q: What is beautiful, gray and wears glass slippers?
A: Cinderelephant.
66. Q: What is the difference between a sorority girl and an elephant?
A: About 40 lbs.
67. Q: How do you equalize the two?
A: Feed the elephant.
This guy dies and is sent to Hell. Satan meets him and shows him the doors to three rooms and says he must choose one of the rooms to spend eternity in.
So Satan opens the first door. In the room there are people standing in cow manure up to their necks. The guy says No, please show me the next room.
Satan shows him the next room and this has people with cow manure up to their noses. And so he says no again.
Finally, Satan shows him the third and final room. This time there are people in there with cow manure up to their knees drinking cups of tea and eating cakes.
So the guy says, Ill choose this room. Satan says O.K. The guys is standing in there eating his cake and drinking his tea thinking, Well, it could be worse, when the door opens. Satan pops his head around, and says O.K. tea-break is over. Back on your heads!
Q: What kind of bird can write?
A: A PENguin.
A man takes his prize winning cat to the Vet. It had not been feeling well for the last few days.
The Vet takes the cat and sets in on the table and proceeds to look at it from the front, the side, the back, then the other side.
He gets a needle and medicine, administers an injection and tells t the man that everything should be fine, and he could pay at the front desk. At the front desk he gets a bill for $300.
$300!!!! What kind of medicine did he give?!
The secretary looks at the bill and says, The medicine only cost $50 … $250 was for the catscan.