Old and New Jokes

Yo Mammas so fat she jumped up in the air and got stuck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Butterball Turkey Talk-Line…



Over the years, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line staff have had their share of memorable calls — inquiries that stand out from the crowd because theyre heartwarming or amusing. We asked some of the veteran staff members to tell us their favorites plus, we rounded up a bunch of our own personal favorites from the Talk-Line archives. Its hard to beat the call from a trucker who planned to cook his Thanksgiving turkey on the engine of his truck (Will it cook faster if I drive faster?), but some of these come pretty close. Warning: do not attempt to adjust your screen — these are real incidents, true stories — from the front lines!



Home alone, a Kentucky woman was in the doghouse when she called the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line. While preparing the turkey, her Chihuahua jumped into the birds body cavity and couldnt get out. She tried pulling the dog and shaking the bird, but nothing worked. She and the dog became more and more distraught. After calming the woman down, the Talk-Line home economist suggested carefully cutting the opening in the cavity of the turkey wider. It worked and Fido was freed!



Birdie, eagle and turkey? Roasting a turkey doesnt have to interfere with the daily routine, so said a retired Floridian. He called Turkey Central for turkey grilling tips while waiting to tee off from the 14th hole.



Taking turkey preparation an extra step, a Virginian wondered, How do you thaw a fresh turkey? The Talk-Line staffer explained that fresh turkeys arent frozen and dont need to be thawed.



Dont wait until the last minute! On Thanksgiving Day, a Georgian woman took the Be prepared motto to heart. She had just agreed to host Thanksgiving Dinner and called the Talk-Line a year ahead of time for turkey tips.



Happy Thanksgiving, President Clinton! A Southern woman called to comment, On Thanksgiving Day, the Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is more important than the President. He can take the day off, but the Talk-Line staff cant. (The Butterball Turkey Talk-Line is open Thanksgiving Day, 6 a.m. to 6 p.m., Central Standard Time.)



Thanksgiving Dinner on the run. A woman called 1-800-323-4848 to find out how long it would take to roast her turkey. To answer the question, the Talk-Line home economist asked how much the bird weighed. The woman responded, I dont know, its still running around outside.



Tofu turkey? No matter how you slice it, Thanksgiving just isnt Thanksgiving without turkey. A restaurant owner in California wanted to know how to roast a turkey for a vegetarian menu.



White meat, anyone? A West Coast woman took turkey preparation to extremes by scrubbing her bird with bleach. Afterward, she called the Talk-Line to find out how to clean off the bleach. To her dismay, she was advised to dispose of the turkey.



A young girl called on behalf of her mother who needed roasting advice. To provide approximate roasting tim

Q: What do you call a one legged dog?

A: It dont matter he wont come anyway.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

190. Eat raw pasta for dinner.

Freshmen: Are never in bed past noon.

Seniors: Are never out of bed before noon.

Freshmen: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they can cut.

Seniors: Read the syllabus to find out what classes they need to attend.



Freshmen: Brings a can of soda into a lecture hall.

Seniors: Brings a jumbo hoagie and six-pack of Mtn. Dew into a recitation class.



Freshmen: Calls the professor Professor.

Seniors: Calls the professor Bob.



Freshmen: Would walk ten miles to get to class.

Seniors: Drives to class if its further than three blocks away.



Freshmen: Memorizes the course material to get a good grade.

Seniors: Memorizes the professors habits to get a good grade.



Freshmen: Knows a book-full of useless trivia about the university.

Seniors: Knows where the next class is. Maybe…



Freshmen: Shows up at a morning exam clean, perky, and fed.

Seniors: Shows up at a morning exam in sweats with a cap on and a box of pop tarts in hand.



Freshmen: Have to ask where the computer labs are.

Seniors: Has own personal workstation.



Freshmen: Use the campus buses to go everywhere.

Seniors: Use the campus buses to run block while crossing the street.



Freshmen: Worry about the last freshman composition essay.

Seniors: Worry about the last GRE essay.



Freshman: Lines up for an hour to buy his textbooks in the first week.

Senior: Starts to think about buying textbooks in October… maybe.



Freshman: Looks forward to first classes of the year

Senior: Looks forward to first beer garden of the year



Freshman: Is proud of his A+ on Calculus I midterm

Senior: Is proud of not _quite_ failing his Complex Analysis midterm



Freshman: Calls his girlfriend back home every other night

Senior: Calls Dominos every other night



Freshman: Is appalled at the class size and callousness of profs

Senior: Is appalled that the campus Subway burned down over the summer



Freshman: Conscienciously completes all homework, including optional questions

Senior: Offers to tutor conscientious frosh of opposite sex…



Freshman: Goes on grocery shopping trip with Mom before moving onto campus

Senior: Has a beer with Mom before moving onto campus



Freshman: Is excited about the world of possibilities that awaits him, the unlimited vista of educational opportunities, the chance to expand ones horizons and really make a contribution to society

Senior: Is excited about new dryers in laundry room



Freshman: Takes meticulous four-color notes in class

Senior: Occasionally stays awake for all of class

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a
warning to others.

A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family, said the man. To show you how much we care for you, Im making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.

The son-in-law interrupted, I hate factories. I cant stand the noise.



I see, replied the father-in-law. Well, then youll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.



I hate office work, said the son-on-law. I cant stand being stuck behind a desk all day.



Wait a minute, said the father-in-law. I just made you half-owner of a moneymaking organization, but you dont like factories and wont work in a office. What am I going to do with you?



Easy, said the young man. Buy me out.

A woman asks her husband if hed like some breakfast. Bacon and eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? Maybe a nice sectioned grapefruit, and a cup of fresh coffee?

He declines. Its this Viagra, he says, Its really taken the edge off my appetite.

At lunch time, she asks if he would like something. A bowl of home made soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Or how about a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?

Again he declines. No, thanks. Its this Viagra, he says, Its really taken the edge off my appetite.

At dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat, offering to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Or would you rather I make you a pizza from scratch? Or, how about a tasty stir fry? Thatll only take a couple of minutes.

Once more, he declines. Again, thanks, but its this Viagra. Its really taken the edge off my appetite.

Well, then, she says, Would you mind getting off me? Im STARVING!

One day, a little boy, was outside in the backyard stomping on honeybees.

When his father came out and saw what the little boy was doing, he made him stop right away and told the little boy, Thats it for you. No honey for a week.

Well, then the little boy went to the front yard of the house and started stomping on butterflies. When his father saw what Teddy was doing, he made him stop right away and said, Stomping on butterflies is a terrible thing to do. Just for that, no butter for a week.

After that, little boy and his father went into the kitchen and saw the little boys mother stomping on cockroaches.

The little boy turned to his father and said, Should I tell her or should you?

At a local coffee bar, a young woman was expounding on her idea of the perfect mate to some of her friends.

The man I marry must be a shining light amongst company. He must be musical. Tell jokes. Sing. Entertain. And stay home at night!

An old granny overheard and spoke up, Girl, if thats all you want, get a TV!