A blonde woman was standing at the pop machine; she put in her money and pressed the Coke button and out came a can of Coke. She looked at it and smiled. She took out a dollar, put it in the pop machine pressed the 7Up button and out came a can of 7Up. She looked at it and really started smiling. She put in the change from her dollar and pressed the Coke button again, out came another can of Coke. Then she was just beaming!
There was a man standing there watching her, and he finally went up to her and said, What are you doing? She looked at him and said, Duh, Im winning!
15
Jul
15
Jul
12. Every morning at the bus stop, that same pig is reading the newspaper – upside down!11. Whenever you cross the road, so does that damned chicken!10. That foul smell, and youre not with your beer drinking buddies.9. Heavy bleating on the other end of the phone.8. Silhouette of knife-wielding Holstein appears on your shower curtain.7. Everywhere you do, the bell! the Bell!! THE BELL!!!6. You find a knit cap and FOUR bloody gloves.5. You keep hearing , Oink Oink, and there isnt a SeenSay toy in sight.4. After an ugly break-up with Flopsy, you find Glenn Close floating in a pot on your stove.3. While baking custard pie, you step in cow pie.2. All 84 Caller ID entries read, Babe.and the Number 1 Sign Youre Being Stalked By A Farm Animal…1. Note on your doorstep says, Well see whos laughing at Thanksgiving this year, Ginsu Boy!
15
Jul
An ultra Orthodox couple met their rabbi at their temple to consult their upcoming wedding. they had one problem that they needed to ask the rabbi about.
Rabbi, said the man, my fiance and I really want to dance together at our celebration, can we?
Absolutely not! replied the rabbi The men and women have to dance seperately to be modest and dignified!
Fine, says the woman. Then a huge question comes up on her mind. Can we have sex?
Absolutely, says the rabbi, reproduction is a mitzvah!
Even before marriage? says the man.
Its all a mitzvah.
Woman on top?
A mitzvah.
On the kitchen table?
It still doesnt change the fact that its a mitzvah, so go right ahead.
How about standing up?
ABSOLUTELY NOT! yells the rabbi.
Why? both partners ask?
Could lead to dancing.
15
Jul
1. BREAKFAST.COM Halted…Cereal Port Not Responding
2. Bad command or file name! Go stand in the corner.
7. Southern DOS: Yall reckon? (Yep/Nope)
8. Backups? We don *NEED* no steenking backups.
9. E Pluribus Modem
10. …. File not found. Should I fake it? (Y/N)
11. Ethernet (n): something used to catch the etherbunny
12. CONGRESS.SYS Corrupted: Re-boot Washington D.C (Y/N)?
13. 11th commandment – Covet not thy neighbors Pentium.
14. Windows: Just another pane in the glass.
15. SENILE.COM found . . . Out Of Memory . . .
16. RAM disk is *not* an installation procedure.
17. Smash forehead on keyboard to continue…
18. COFFEE.EXE Missing – Insert Cup and Press Any Key
19. ASCII stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!
20. E-mail returned to sender — insufficient voltage.
21. Error: Keyboard not attached. Press F1 to continue.
22. 640K ought to be enough for anybody. – Bill Gates, 1981
23. Press any key… no, no, no, NOT THAT ONE!
24. Press any key to continue or any other key to quit…
25. REALITY.SYS corrupted: Reboot universe? (Y/N/Q)
26. Error reading FAT record: Try the SKINNY one? (Y/N)
27. Hit any user to continue.
28. Disk Full – Press F1 to belch.
29. Backup not found: (A)bort (R)etry (P)anic
30. (A)bort, (R)etry, (G)et a beer?
15
Jul
Why do they have Feta cheese at a Greek wedding? To keep the flies off the bride!
15
Jul
A guy walks into a bar and notices a sign on the wall. It says Ask about our special challenge.
He asks the bartender what its all about.
The bartender says points to two large pieces of meat hanging from the ceiling about three and a bit yards up and says If you can jump up and touch those pieces of meat then you can drink in this bar free for a year.
However if you dont manage to reach them then you have to buy everyone here two rounds each.
The guy thinks about it and muses it over.
He looks at the meat then at the barman then at the meat then looks at the barman and says Nah, pal. The steaks are too high.
15
Jul
There are three men stranded on a deserted island (hmm sounds familiar).
One is Italian, one is Irish and the other Polish. They have been on the Island for close to six months and have developed a great rapport with one another and become the best of friends.
One day they are searching the shore for a sign of passing boats when they come across a bottle. When the Italian rubs the bottle a genie comes out (can you believe it!). The genie thanks the three men and says I will grant you three wishes, but it can only be one wish each and I am so tired of being in the bottle for so long it might take a couple of weeks between wishes.
So the Italian says I wish I was back in Rome eating a big plate of antipasto
POOF!!! he is back in Rome like he wished. A couple of weeks later the Genie says ok, to the Irishman, What is your wish
The Irishman replies, I wish I was back in Dublin at Mac Murphys pub with a pint of lager. POOF!!! He gets his wish.
A couple of more weeks go by and the Genie tells the Polish person that it is his turn. The Polish person says Gee I really miss those guys I wish they were here!!!
If you heard it before who cares!!. You have just heard it again!!!
14
Jul
Un dÃa, en la selva, un chango estaba pasándola de poca madre cuando, repentinamente, empieza a llover. Desesperado porque se está mojando, el simio se acerca a la casa del pajarito, toca a la puerta y le pide que lo deje entrar para no mojarse; el pajarraco responde con un no rotundo.
Pasan los minutos y la lluvia se pone aún más fuerte, asà que el chango, imaginando que la avecilla cambio de opinión, se acerca otra vez y le ruega que lo deje entrar. En un tono más firme, el avechucho responde que no.
Vuelve a pasar otro rato y, para ese momento, la lluvia se convierte en diluvio. El pobre mono, empapado completamente, se vuelve a acercar a la casa del ave para suplicarle que lo deje entrar porque está escurriendo.
Con un tono aun más firme que las dos veces anteriores, el méndigo pajarito vuelve a responder que no.
La moraleja de esta historia es la siguiente:
Entre más mojado esté el chango, más firme se pone el pajarito.
14
Jul
Jaimito tenÃa varias semanas insistiéndole al papá para que lo llevara al zoológico.
Papá, ¿cuándo me vas a llevar al zoológico?
Pronto, hijo, pronto, le respondÃa con cierta apatÃa el padre.
A Jaimito no le quedó más remedio que acusarlo con la mamá. Ésta se dirigió al padre:
Tienes que llevar a Jaimito al zoológico, recuerda el trabajo que tiene que entregar para fin de año. Al tipo no le queda más remedio que llevarlo. Un mes después, la maestra le pregunta a Jaimito en referencia al trabajo del zoológico:
Jaimito, no entiendo esta frase en tu trabajo: Entonces mi papá se puso muy contento cuando uno de los animales del zoológico ganó y pagó 30 a 1.
14
Jul
A beautiful woman asked a computer geek what would be a reasonable password for her new E-Mail. And he answered Penis, so she tyred it in. She had just stop laughing about the word when a screen came up. COMPUTER REJECTION. NOT LONG ENOUGH.