Old and New Jokes

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.

I believe for every drop of rain that falls, a flower grows. (And a foundation leaks and a ball game gets rained out and a car rusts and…)

Follow your dream! Unless its the one where youre at work in your underwear during a fire drill.

Always take time to stop and smell the roses… and sooner or later, youll inhale a bee.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either. Just leave me alone!

If you dont like my driving, dont call anyone. Just take another road. Thats why the highway department made so many of them. If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek. Nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

When Im feeling down, I like to whistle. It makes the neighbors dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.

Its always darkest before dawn. So if youre going to steal the neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it.

A handy telephone tip: Keep a small chalkboard near the phone. That way, when a salesman calls, you can hold the receiver up to it and run your fingernails across it until he hangs up.

Each day I try to enjoy something from each of the four food groups: the bonbon group, the salty-snack group, the caffeine group, and the whatever-the-thing-in-the-tinfoil-in-the-back-of-the-fridge is group.

Into every life some rain must fall. Usually when your car windows are down.

Just remember… You gotta break some eggs to make a real mess on the neighbors car!

When you find yourself getting irritated with someone, try to remember that all men are brothers… and just give them a noogie or an Indian burn.

This morning I woke up to the unmistakable scent of pigs in a blanket. Thats the price you pay for letting the relatives stay over.

Its a small world. So you gotta use your elbows a lot.

Keep your nose to the grindstone and your shoulder to the wheel…its cheaper than plastic surgery.

This land is your land. This land is my land. So stay on your land.

Love is like a roller coaster: when its good you dont want to get off, and when it isnt… you cant wait to throw up.

Because they have Web feet!

Dr. Seuss as Technical Writer If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
and the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
and the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
then the socket packet pocket has an error to report. If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
and the double-clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
and your data is corrupted cause the index doesnt hash,
then your situations hopeless and your systems gonna crash! If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
but your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
thats repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
and your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
so your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
cause as sure as Im a poet, the suckers gonna hang!

When the copy of your floppys getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risc,
Then you have to flash your memory and youll want to RAM your ROM
Quicky turn off the computer and be sure to tell your mom!

Last year a friend of mine upgraded GirlFriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 and found that its a memory hog leaving very little system resources for other applications. He is only now noticing that Wife 1.0 also is spawning Child-Processes which are further consuming valuable resources. No mention of this particular phenomena was included in the product brochure or the documentation, though other users have informed him that this is to be expected due to the nature of the application. Not only that, Wife 1.0 installs itself such that it is always launched at system initialization where it can monitor all other system activity. Hes finding that some applications such as PokerNight 10.3, BeerBash 2.5, and PubNight 7.0 are no longer able to run in the system at all, crashing the system when selected (even though they always worked fine before).



At installation, Wife 1.0 provides no option as to the installation of undesired Plug-Ins such as MotherInLaw 55.8 and BrotherInLaw Beta release. Also, system performance seems to diminish with each passing day.



The features hed like to see in the upcoming Wife 2.0 include:



– ADont remind me again button

– Minimize button

– An install shield feature that allows Wife 2.0 to be installed with the option to uninstall at anytime without the loss of cache and other system resources.

An option to run the network driver in promiscuous mode which would allow the systems hardware

probe feature to be much more useful.



I myself decided to avoid all of the headaches associated with Wife 1.0 by sticking with Girlfriend 2.0. Even here, however, I found many problems. Apparently you cannot install Girlfriend 2.0 on top of Girlfriend 1.0. You must uninstall Girlfriend 1.0 first. Other users say this is a long standing bug which I should have been aware of. Apparently the versions of Girlfriend have conflicts over shared use of the I/O port. You think they would have fixed such a stupid bug by now. To make matters worse, The uninstall program for Girlfriend 1.0 doesnt work very well leaving undesirable

traces of the application in the system.



Another thing that sucks — all versions of Girlfriend continually pop-up little annoying messages about the advantages of upgrading to Wife 1.0



BUG WARNING



Wife 1.0 has an undocumented bug. If you try to install Mistress 1.1 before uninstalling Wife 1.0, Wife 1.0 will delete MSMoney files before doing the uninstall itself. Then Mistress 1.1 will refuse to install, claiming insufficient resources.



BUG WORK-AROUNDS

To avoid the above bug, try installing Mistress 1.1 on a different system and never run any file transfer applications such as LapLink 6.0. Also, beware of similar shareware applications that have been known to carry viruses that may affect Wife 1.0.



Another solution would be to run Mistress 1.0 via a UseNet provider under an anonymous name. Here again, beware of the viruses which can accidentally be downloaded from the UseNet.

What is the difference between a hematologist and a urologist?

A hematologist pricks your finger.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Irene!
Irene who?
Irene and Irene but still no one answers the door!

Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: None; the bulb will change itself when it is ready.

Se encuentran Pedro y María… y Pedro dice:

Y te casaste con Pancho, María…

Claro que sí Pedro…

¿Y donde van a ir de luna de miel?

Pues creo que Pancho me va a llevar al manicomio…

Pero María, ¿cómo que te va a llevar al Manicomio…?

Es que Pancho me dijo: María, te voy a pegar una cogida de loco…

Once there was a man who wanted a pet. So he went to the pet shop to buy a bird that could sing. the owner siad this is an Amazon singing bird. If you put it over water it will sing a song about the sea. If you put it over the train tracks it will sing a song about working on rail road. But never put it over fire. So he took it to the lake and put over the water. The bird started to sing a pirates life. UHHHH I hate this song. so he took the bird from over the water. He did the same thing with the tracks the bird sung Ive been working on the railroads.UHHHHHH I hate this song too. hmmmm I wonder what would happen if I put him over fire. so he lit a match and the bird sung Chestnuts Roasting over an open fire.

An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .

And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.

And she said unto Abraham, her husband, Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?

And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, How, Dear?

And Dot replied, I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriahs Pony Stable (UPS).

Abraha} thkught long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her.

And Dot said, There will be a lot of banging in the land. And Abraham replied, It is my most fervent wish that this be so.

And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.

But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abrahams drum and was accused of insider trading.

And the young did take to Dot Coms trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung.

They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.

And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates drumsticks.

And Dot did say, Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, eBay, he said, We need a name of a service that reflects what we are.

And Dot replied, Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators.

Whoopee!, said Abraham.

No, YAHOO!, said Dot Com.