Old and New Jokes

Un tipo mayor se hace miembro de un campo de nudistas muy exclusivo por simple curiosidad, en busca de nuevas emociones. Como era su primer día, se quitó la ropa como todo el mundo y fue a dar vueltas por el predio. Una linda rubia apareció por ahí y él inmediatamente tuvo una erección. La chica notó su erección e inmediatamente se le acercó sensual:

¿Me ha llamado, señor?

¿Yo? No, ¿por qué?

Usted debe ser nuevo; le voy a explicar. Aquí tenemos una regla: si le provoco una erección, quiere decir que usted me ha llamado, que usted me desea.

Sonriente, la chica lo lleva a un jardín y se acuesta en una toalla; tira fuertemente hacia ella de la mano del hombre y se deja poseer de todas las formas posibles. El fulano, loco de contento, sigue explorando las delicias de aquel campo. Entra al sauna, se sienta e involuntariamente se le escapa un pedo. Sonriente, de inmediato se le acerca un tipo enorme, peludo y con una erección del tamaño de un bate de béisbol:

¿Me ha llamado, señor?

¡¿Yo?! No, ¿por qué?

Usted debe ser nuevo aquí. Le voy a explicar: tenemos una regla que dice que si te tiras un pedo, significa que me ha llamado, que usted me desea. Dicho esto, el gigantón voltea a nuestro personaje sobre el piso y lo posee de una manera bestial. Luego se marcha. El novicio con mucha dificultad se dirige como puede a la oficina del club. Una recepcionista desnuda lo saluda muy sonriente:

¿Puedo ayudarlo, señor?

Le devuelvo su llave y su tarjeta. Puede quedarse con los 500 dólares de cuota inicial.

¡Pero, señor, usted tan sólo ha estado aquí un par de horas y solamente ha visto un par de nuestras facilidades

Escúchame una cosa, nena, yo soy un hombre de 58 años. A duras penas tengo una erección al mes, pero me tiro como 15 pedos al día… ¡No me conviene, gracias!

Habían tres borrachas manejando en un carro, pero ya estaban hasta la madre de borrachas, así que chocaron contra un poste y se fueron al cielo.

Cuando llegaron se encontraron a San Pedro y les dice:

Para que puedan entrar les voy a hacer una pregunta y si la responden bien se les abrirán las puertas del cielo.

Bueno, dijeron las tres.

A ver, tú, ¿cáando es navidad?

Y una le sopla y le dice:

25 de diciembre.

¡25 de diciembre! grita la otra.

Y se le abren las puertas del cielo.

Dice san pedro: A ver tú, dime un nombre de los tres reyes magos.

La misma tipa que le sopló le dice a la otra: Melchor.

¡Melchor! grita, y se le abren las puertas del cielo.

Acto siguiente, le dice San Pedro a la soplona:

Como tu dijiste a la otras dos las respuestas te voy a poner la más difícil. Me vas a decir qué fue lo último que le dijo Bill Clinton a Mónica Lewinsky.

La mujer le responde rascándose la cabeza:

Ahora sí me la puso dura…

Y se le abrieron las puertas del cielo.

A – Bill Clinton

B – Warren G. Harding

C – Andrew Jackson

D – Thomas Jefferson

E – Lyndon B. Johnson

F – John F. Kennedy

G – Franklin D. Roosevelt

H – George Washington





1. Which president smoked marijuana with a nude playgirl while he joked about being too wasted to push the button in case of nuclear attack?



2. Which president allegedly had affairs with both a winner AND a finalist in the Miss America pageant?



3. Which president had sex with one of his secretaries stretched out atop a desk in the oval office?



4. Which president allegedly had an affair (as well as children) with a slave who was his wifes half sister?



5. Which president called his mistress Pookie?



6. Which president married a woman who hadnt yet divorced her first husband, and was branded an adulterer during his re-election campaign?



7. Which future president wrote love letters to his neighbors wife while he was engaged to someone else?



8. Which president had a torrid affair with the first ladys personal secretary?



9. Which president had sex with a young woman in a White House coat closet – at one point, while a secret service agent prevented the hysterical first lady from attacking them?



10. Which president had sex in a closet while telling his partner about the *other* president who did the same in a closet? (The one from Question 9)?



11. Which vice president was ticked off because he felt that HIS record of sexual conquests was much more impressive (i.e. numerous) than the Presidents?



12. Which future president, while a college student, enjoyed showing off his p***s (which he named Jumbo)?







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ANSWERS



1. F

2. A

3. E

4. D

5. A

6. C

7. H, E

8. G, F

9. B

10. F

11. E

12. E

A ghost, a vampire and a zombie were off scaring little kids and then went to a big house. A politician came out and the three monsters went off running.

Q: What did the banana say to the vibrator?

A: What are YOU shaking for? Shes going to eat me!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Virtue!
Virtue who?
Virtue get those big blue eyes!

Doctor, the patient demanded, you have a lot of nerver charing me three hundred fithy dollars just to paint my throat.

What did you want for three hundred fifty dollars? Wallpaper?

• Looking back over the years that weve been together, I cant help but wonder: What the fuck was I thinking?

• Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.

• How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?

• Ive always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met you, Ive changed my mind.

• I must admit, you brought religion in my life. I never believed in Hell till I met you.

• As the days go by, everyday I think of how lucky I am that youre not here to ruin it for me.

• If I get only one thing for Christmas, I hope its your sister.

• Thanks for being part of my life!!! I never knew what evil was before.

• As you grow older, Mum, I think of all the gifts youve given me. Like the need for therapy …

• Congratulations on your promotion. Before you go, would you like to take the knife out of my back. Youll probably need it again.

• Someday I hope to get married, but not to you.

• Happy Birthday!You look great for your age … Almost lifelike!

• When we were together you always said youd die for me. Now that weve broken up, I think its time you kept your promise.

• I knew that day would come when you would leave me for my best friend. So heres his leash, water bowl and chew toys.

• We have been friends for a very long time, what say we call it quits.

• Im so miserable without you, its like youre here.

• Congratulations on your new bundle of joy. Did you ever find out who the father was?

• You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship and there was only one life jacket….Id miss you heaps and think of you often.

• Happy Birthday, Uncle Dad!!! (Available only in Kentucky!)

A good looking girl decided to have sex with this really handsome guy.

They took off their clothes and she noticed he had numerous tattoos on his body. They were brand names like Reebok, Nike, etc.

However, on his penis she saw Aids and she was starting to get really turned off when he said, Cool it … youll soon see it actually says Adidas!

Oxymoron of 1994: Whitewater Development.