Because Missouri loves company.(misery)
17
Jun
17
Jun
~WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPICE GIRL WITH TWO BRAIN CELLS? PREGNANT
~WHAT DO YOU CALL A SPICE GIRL BEHIND A STEERING WHEEL? AN AIRBAG
~WHAT DO YOU SEE WHEN YOU LOOK INTO A SPICE GIRLS EYES? THE BACK OF HER HEAD
17
Jun
I spotted the following in the New York Times last week:
A friend of mine received a phone call. Who is this? a
womans voice answered.
Whom do you want to speak to? my friend asked.
Did you say whom? the caller inquired after a
somewhat startled pause.
Yes, my friend said.
I have the wrong number, the caller said.
Then she hung up.
17
Jun
An elderly couple
were killed in an accident and found themselves being given a tour of
heaven by Saint Peter. "Here is your ocean-side appartment, over
there are the tennis courts, swimming pool, and two golf courses. If you
need any refreshments, just stop by any of the many bars located throughout
the area."
"Heck, Gloria," the old man hissed when Saint Peter walked
off, "we could have been here ten years ago if you hadnt heard about
all that stupid oat bran, wheat germ, and low-fat diets!"
17
Jun
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time hed finally managed an affair with the innkeepers daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap!
Helen, why didnt you write when you learned you were pregnant? he cried. I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!
Well, she said, when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin and talkin and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.
16
Jun
Slightly below average: Stupid.
Spends extra hours on the job: Miserable home life.
Stern disciplinarian: A real jerk.
16
Jun
10. Boy, if I had not recently shot up four sizes, that wouldve fit.
9. It would be ashame if the garbage man ever accidentally took this from me.
8. Perfect for wearing in the basement.
7. Well, well, well…
6. I really dont deserve this.
5. Gosh, I hope this never catches fire!
4. I Love it, but I fear the jealousy it will inspire.
3. If the dog buries it, Ill be furious!
2. Sadly, tomorrow I enter the federal witness protection program.
1. To think I got this the year I vowed to give all my gifts to charity.
16
Jun
Q: How many Romanians does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: How many packs of cigarettes are you willing to give them?
16
Jun
A small boy is sent to bed by his father.
Five minutes later, Da-ad…
What?
Im thirsty. Can you bring me a drink of water?
No. You had your chance. Lights out.
Five minutes later: Da-aaaad…
WHAT?
Im THIRSTY…Can I have a drink of water??
I told you NO! If you ask again Ill have to spank you!!
Five minutes later… Daaaa-aaaad…
WHAT??!!
When you come in to spank me, can you bring me a drink of water?
16
Jun
Buckwheat & Darla were in school, and the teacher asks Darla, How do you spell dumb?
Darla says, D-u-m-b, dumb.
The teacher says, Very good, now use it in a sentence.
She says, Buckwheat is dumb.
The teacher says, Now spell stupid.
Darla says, S-t-u-p-i-d, stupid.
The teacher says, Very good, now use it in a sentence.
Darla says, Buckwheat is stupid.
Then the teacher calls on Buckwheat and says, Buckwheat, spell dictate.
Buckwheat stands and says, D-i-c-t-a-t-e, dictate.
The teacher says, Very good, now use it in a sentence.
I may be dumb and I may be stupid, but Darla says my dictate good!