Old and New Jokes

For years n years they told me,

Be careful of your breasts.

Dont ever squeeze or bruise them,

And give them monthly tests.

So I heeded all their warnings

And protected them by law

Guarded them very carefully,

An always wore a bra.

After thirty years of careful care,

The doctor found a lump,

He ordered up a Mammogram

To look inside that clump.

Stand up very close, she said,

As she got my tit in line,

And tell me when it hurts, she said,

Ah, yes! There! Thats just fine.

She stepped upon a pedal …

I could not believe my eyes!

A plastic plate was pressing down …

My boob was in a vise!!!

My skin was stretched n stretched

From way up by my chin,

And my poor tit was being squeezed

To Swedish pancake thin!!!

Excruciating pain I felt,

Within its vise-like grip,

A prisoner in this vicious thing,

My poor defenseless tit!!

Take a deep breath she said to me

Who does she think shes kidding?

My chest is smashed in her machine,

I cant breathe and woozy I am getting.

There, that was good, I heard her say

As the room was slowly swaying.

Now lets get the other one.

Lord, have mercy, I was praying.

It squeezed me from the up and down,

It squeezed me from both sides,

Ill bet shes never had this done

To her tender little hide!

If I had no problem when I came in,

I surely have one now …

If there had been a cyst in there,

It would have popped – Ker-pow!!

This machine was made by a man,

Of this I have no doubt.

Id like to get his balls in there,

For months hed go without!!

— Author Unknown

Tree 1 Hey look, Mother Natures coming!

Tree 2 Look busy.

A Mississippi woodpecker and a Texas woodpecker were in Mississippi arguing about which state had the toughest trees to peck.

The Mississippi woodpecker said that they had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.

The Texas woodpecker challenged him and was able to peck a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mississippi woodpecker was in awe.

The Texas woodpecker then challenged the Mississippi woodpecker to peck a tree in Texas that no woodpecker had been able to peck successfully. After flying to Texas, the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Texas woodpecker was able to peck the Mississippi tree and the Mississippi woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After thinking for some time they both came to the same conclusion… Your pecker is always harder when youre away from home.

Charismatics: Only one– their hands are already in the air.

Roman Catholics: None. They use candles.

Pentecostals: Ten. One to change the bulb, and nine to pray against
the spirit of darkness.

Presbyterians: None. God has predestined when the lights will be on and off.

Episcopalians: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say
how much they liked the old one better.

Mormons: Five. One man to change the bulb, and four wives to tell him
how to do it.

Unitarians: We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or
against the need for a light bulb. However, if in your own journey
you have found that light bulbs work for you, that is fine. You are
invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal
relationship with your light bulb, and present it next month at our
annual light bulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number
of light bulb traditions, including incandescent,fluorescent,
three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths
to luminescence.

Baptists: At least 15. One to change the light bulb, and two or three
committees to approve the change. Oh, and also one to provide a
casserole.

Lutherans: None. Lutherans dont believe in change.

Arthur was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and
generally feeling good about himself, when a Nun suddenly appears at his
table and starts decrying the evils of drink.

You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol
is the blood of the devil!

Now Arthur gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive.
How do you know Sister?

My Mother Superior told me so.

But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you
are saying is right?

Dont be ridiculous – of course I have never taken alcohol myself.

Then let me buy you a drink, – if you still believe afterwards that it is
evil I will give up drink for life.

How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!

Ill get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, then no one will know.

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Arthur goes inside to the bar.

Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks, then he lowers his
voice and says to the barman, and could you put the vodka in a teacup?

Oh no! Its not that bloody Nun again is it?

Ian Dickinson

A guy walks in a bar, and buys a huge beer. Then he sees someone he knows, and decides to go and say hi to them, but he does not want to drag his beer mug with him.

So he sets it on a table, along with a note I spit in this beer hoping that noone will steal it then.

Upon return, he sees another note saying Me too!

Eclipse e-klips: What an English barber does for a living.

Eyedropper i-drop-ur: A clumsy ophthalmologist.

Heroes hee-rhos: What a guy in a boat does.

You might be a redneck if….your belt buckle contains more money, than your pockets do.

Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate Saint Peter was waiting for him. After reviewing his records Saint Peter decided to let him in.

Follow me.

he said, opening the gate and walking in.

After some walk, Saint Peters keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldnt resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing.

Saint Peter was furious.

If you do that again, youll go straight to hell! Follow me, were almost there.

After some more Peter dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Peter was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance.

Again they walk and for the third time Peter drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Peter is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell.

A few weeks later, Saint Peter goes down to hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass off.

Why is it so god damn cold down here?

Peter asks.

Well, you just try bending down for firewood!! The devil replied.

Un tipo conoció a una hermosa dama a través del Internet y decidió casarse con ella en ese preciso instante.

Ella le contestó: ¡Pero si no sabemos nada de nosotros!

Él le escribió: No hay problema, nos conoceremos sobre la marcha.

La chica estuvo de acuerdo, se casaron, y se fueron de luna de miel a un lujoso hotel.

Una mañana, estaban ambos recostados junto a la piscina. El hombre se levanta, sube al trampolín de 10 metros y realiza una perfecta demostración de todos los estilos de clavados que existen. Luego regresó y volvió a recostarse junto a su esposa.

“¡Eso fue increíble!”, exclama la mujer.

“Fui campeón olímpico de clavados. Te dije que nos conoceríamos bien sobre la marcha”.

En eso, la joven se levanta, entra a la piscina y comienza a nadar a lo largo, de ida y de regreso. Después de treinta vueltas, sale y se recuesta junto a su marido.

“¡Asombroso! ¿Fuiste nadadora olímpica de resistencia?”

“No, yo era prostituta a domicilio en Venecia”.