Old and New Jokes

Clinton, Dole, and Perot are on a long flight in Air Force One. Perot pulls out a $100 bill and says Im going to throw this $100 bill out and make someone down below happy.
Dole, not wanting to be outdone, says, If that was my $100 bill, I would split it into 2 $50 bills and make two people down below happy.
Of course Clinton doesnt want these two candidates to outdo him, so he pipes in, I would instead take 100 $1 bills and throw them out to make 100 people just a little happier.
At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and cant stand it anymore, comes out and says, I think Ill throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy.

Lending A Hand



Two junior co-eds went to the movies one night. ,





The first girl saidWhatshould I do? The



guy sitting next to me is masturbating.





Her friend replied, Dont do



anything. Just ignore it.





The first girl said, I cant.





Her friendsaid,Why cantyou ignore it?





The first one says, Because hes using



myhand!

Inform all troops that communications have completely broken down.

-Ashleigh Brilliant

An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, Ah, youre an engineer – youre in the wrong place.

So the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in.

Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, theyve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.

One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, So, hows it going down there in hell?

Satan replies, Hey, things are going great. Weve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and theres no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.

God replies, What??? Youve got an engineer? Thats a mistake – he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.

Satan says, No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and Im keeping him.

God says, Send him back up here or Ill sue.

Satan laughs uproariously and answers, Yeah, right. And just where do you think you are going to get a lawyer?

A Little boy of about seven or eight walked into the kitchen one morning and asked his father, Dad, do prostitutes have babies.

His father looks at him and says, Of course they do, where do you think policemen come from.

A young, single man, having no family, often ate at a restaurant in the center of the city of Chelm. He knew the owner Moishe and he ate there regularly. The only other restaurant in Chelm, Chaims, was located directly across the street from Moishes.

One day, the young man went to eat at Chaims and when Moishe saw what happened, he was totally distraught. He said, how can you not eat at my place? Are we not like family? The young man replied that indeed they were.

Moishe asked,Isnt my food good? The young man replied that the food was delicious and that the portions were exceedingly generous. Moishe then asked, so why did you go eat at Chaims restaurant on the other side of the street?

The young man replied that he had terrible toothache on his molar on the far left side of his mouth. He was told that the intinerant dentist would not be in town for another week. Therefore, the young man explained to Moishe, I went to the Rabbi and asked what to do to ease the pain. The Rabbi replied, eat on the other side, so, I went to the other side and ate at Chaims.

The husband returns home one day and tells his wife, Hi honey, look, Ive bought the new Rolling Stones CD.

Why did you do that?! We dont even have a CD player! replied the wife..

So what… have I ever asked why you keep on buying bras?

A number of years ago, a major meat packer wanted to do a promotional campaign
on radio. The idea was to have call-in contests on radio stations throughout
the country, and the winners would receive large supplies of sirloin steaks.

The researchers had to come up with a name for the contest. The report they
submitted read something like this.

After conducting market research, we have reached the
conclusion that the name High Steaks would be an
appropriate name for the contest. We base this conclusion
on interviews and surveys, and we are firmly convinced that
the majority of radio listeners will understand the
double entendre. The only city where we found a lack
of sophistication was Memphis, TN, and there we recommend
that you call the contest Free Meat.

Q: Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners?

A: So brunettes can remember them.

Q: What is black and blue and brown lying in a ditch?

A: A brunette who has told too many blonde jokes.

Even a stopped clock is right twice a day.