Old and New Jokes

En un bote a la deriva, se encontraban unos náufragos que tenían varios días sin comer. De improviso, uno de ellos saca su cuchillo y comienza a gritar desesperado:

¡Me muero de hambre, ya no puedo más! ¡Me voy a cortar el pene y me lo voy a comer!

Sus compañeros, alarmados al ver que está a punto de mutilarse, le ruegan:

¡No, no lo hagas! ¡Piensa en tu novia, piensa en tu novia!

El tipo, conmovido por las palabras de sus compañeros, suelta el cuchillo diciendo:

Tienen razón, no me lo cortaré.

¡No, güey, piensa en tu novia para que te crezca y nos alcance a todos!

her: hey can i check your tag on your shirt?

(she checks the tag) just what i thought… made in heaven.

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Last time I saw a face like yours I fed it a banana.

A man goes to Victoria Secret to buy his wife the
most sheer lingerie he can find. The woman behind the
counter goes and gets an outfit. This is $200, she says.
I want one thats more sheer, says he.
This one is $350.
I want it even more sheer than that.
This one is the most sheer that we have. Its $500.
Ill take it! The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her saying, Go put this on and come down to model it for me.
His wife goes upstairs, opens the box and
thinks, This thing is so see-through that the old coot wont even notice if Im wearing it or not. I can take this back for a refund and he wont know the difference. So his wife comes out wearing nothing at all and
strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. So, how do you like it? she asks.
Her husband then complains, Darn, youd think for $500 theyd iron the dang thing!

Uh…top 10 things not to say to a naked man:

10: Awww…thats cute

9. Well, at least youre good at other things

8. Do you think itll fit my old Barbie® clothes?

7. My lil brother has one like that.

6. Are you cold?

5. ::giggles::

4. Maybe we should just be friends

3. Can you make it dance?

2. Umm…maybe you should get dressed

1. Oh…look…its hiding!

A pious man, who had reached the age of 105, suddenly stopped going to synagogue. Alarmed by the old fellows absence after so many years of faithful attendance, the Rabbi went to see him. He found him in excellent health, so the Rabbi asked, How come
after all these years we dont see you at services anymore?The old man lowered his voice, Ill tell you, Rabbi. When I got to be 90, I expected God to take me any day. But then I got to be 95, then 100, then 105. After this long I figured that God is very busy and mustve forgotten about me, and I really dont want to remind Him!

This is one of the funniest pieces I have ever come across. It is apparently from a real log…

Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as cybersex. Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as youll see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript of an online chat doesnt seem to quite get the point of cyber sex. Then again, maybe he does…

Wellhung:Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart:I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, Im toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung:Im 63 and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. Im also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner… it smells funny.
Sweetheart:I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung:OK
Sweetheart:Were in my bedroom. Theres soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. Im looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung:Im gulping, Im beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart:Im pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung:Now Im unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart:Im moaning softly.
Wellhung:Im taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart:Im throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. Im rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung:My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. Im sorry.
Sweetheart:Thats OK, it wasnt really too expensive.
Wellhung:Ill pay for it.
Sweetheart:Dont worry about it. Im wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung:Im fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think its stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart:I take your hand and kiss it softly. Im reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung:How did you do that? Im picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart:Im arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung:Im dropping the bra. Now Im licking your, you know, breasts. Theyre neat!
Sweetheart:Im running my fingers through your hair. Now Im nibbling your ear.
Wellhung:I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart:What?
Wellhung:Im so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart:Im wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung:Im taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart:OK. Im pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung:Im screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart:Im pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung:Im pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.
Sweetheart:Whats the matter?
Wellhung:Ive got a pubic hair caught in my throat. Im choking.
Sweetheart:Are you OK?
Wellhung:Im having a coughing fit. Im turning all red.
Sweetheart:Can I help?
Wellhung:Im running to the kitchen, choking wildly. Im fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart:In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung:Im drinking a cup of water. There, thats better.
Sweetheart:Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung:Im washing the cup now.
Sweetheart:Im on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung:Im drying the cup. Now Im putting it back in the cabinet. And now Im walking back to the bedroom. Wait, its dark, Im lost. Wheres the bedroom?
Sweetheart:Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung:I found it.
Sweetheart:Im tuggin off your pants. Im moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung:Me too.
Sweetheart:Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately – our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung:Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart:Why dont you take off your glasses?
Wellhung:OK, but I cant see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart:Im bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung:I have to pee. Im fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart:Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung:I find the bathroom and its dark. Im feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart:Im waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung:Im done going. Im feeling around for the flush handle, but I cant find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart:Whats the matter now?
Wellhung:Ive realized that Ive peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. Im walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart:Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung:OK, now Im going to put my… you know… thing… in your… you know… womans thing.
Sweetheart:Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung:Im touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, Im having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart:Im moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I cant stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung:Im flaccid.
Sweetheart:What?
Wellhung:Im limp. I cant sustain an erection.
Sweetheart:Im standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung:Im shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner all floppy. Im going to get my glasses and see whats wrong.
Sweetheart:No, never mind. Im getting dressed. Im putting on my underwear. Now Im putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung:No wait! Now Im squinting, trying to find the night table. Im feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart:Im buttoning my blouse. Now Im putting on my shoes.
Wellhung:Ive found my glasses. Im putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! Im pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart:Go to hell. Im logging off, you loser!
Wellhung:Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:(logged off)

Because the punchline is horrible.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Guinevere!
Guinevere who!
Guinevere going to get together!