A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother.
Well, how was the honeymoon? asked the mother.
Oh, mama, she replied, the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic… Suddenly she burst out crying. But, mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language. Hes been saying things Ive never heard before! All these awful 4-letter words! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mama!
Sarah, Sarah, her mother said, calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words has he been using?
Please dont make me tell you, mama, wept the daughter, Im so embarrassed! Theyre just too awful! Youve got to come get me and take me home… please mama!
Darling, baby, you must tell me what has you so upset… Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!
Still sobbing, the bride replied, Oh, mama…words like dust, wash, iron, and cook…
One day in the Garden of Eden, Eve calls out to God, Lord, I have a problem! Whats the problem, Eve? Lord, I know youve created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, and that hilarious comedy snake, but Im just not happy. Why is that, Eve?, comes the reply from above. Lord, I am lonely. And Im sick to death of apples. Well, Eve, in that case I have a solution. I shall create a man for you. Whats a man, Lord? This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly. All in all hell give you a hard time. But hell be bigger and faster and more muscular than you, hell be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, and not altogether bad in the sack. Sounds great, says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. Yeah, well, hes better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But you can have him on one condition. Whats that, Lord? Youll have to let him believe that I made him first.
What do you get when you cross Mariah Carey and Elton John?Nothing. Elton John prefers men.
La maestra informa a sus alumnos:
Niños, hoy hablaremos de algunos de los fluidos del cuerpo humano. Hablaremos de la sangre y el semen. La sangre es el combustible del cuerpo; es rica en glóbulos rojos y blancos. El semen también es un fluido, pero a diferencia de la sangre, éste no sólo es rico en vitaminas, minerales y proteÃnas, sino que también es transportador de la información genética… Bueno, niños, ahora la ronda de preguntas.
La maestra mira a todos los niños y piensa: Ni loca le pregunto a Pepito. Ese desgraciado me saldrÃa con una patanerÃa.
A ver, Carlitos, ¿que aprendiste sobre los fluidos del cuerpo humano?
Este, este… No sé.
A ver, tú Luisito.
No sé, maestra.
¿Pablito?
No sé, maestra.
AsÃ, pasan todos hasta que llega el turno del temible Pepito.
Pues que Dios me agarre confesada con las barbaridades que este muchacho va a decir, piensa la mujer. A ver, Pepito, ¿qué aprendiste el dÃa de hoy?
Hoy aprendà acerca de los fluidos del cuerpo. La sangre es rica en glóbulos rojos y blancos; el semen, por el contrario, está compuesto de vitaminas, minerales, proteÃnas y, además, es el responsable de transportar la información genética.
La maestra, que estaba sudando, dice para sà misma: Me salvé. Por fin puedo preguntar a Pepito sin temor.
En conclusión, maestra, debo inferir que es mucho mejor, pero bastante mejor, y más nutritiva, una mamadita que una transfusión de sangre.
Q: Whats the bad thing about 5 lawyers in a cattalac driving off a cliff
A: A cattalac seats SIX!
BETTER TO BE A JOCK OR A NERD?
To help you in formulating your answer, the following should be considered:
Michael Jordan will make more than $300,000 a game, $10,000 a minute, assuming he averages about 30 minutes per game. Assuming he also makes $40 million in endorsements next year, he will be making $178,000 a day, working or not.
If he goes to see a movie, it will cost him $8.00 (without popcorn and drink), but will make $18,500 while he is there.
If he decides to have a 5-minute egg, he will make $618 while boiling it. He makes $7,415 per hour more than minimum wage, even after the wage hike.
He will make $3,710 while watching each episode of FRIENDS. If he wanted to save up for a new Acura NSX (cost $90,000), it will take him a whole 12 hours to earn the money.
If someone were to hand him his salary and endorsement money, they would have to do it at a rate of 2 dollars every second. He will probobly pay around $200 for a nice round of golf, but then will be reimbursed $33,390 for that round.
Assuming he puts the federal maximum of 15% of his income in to his tax deferred acct (401K), he will hit the federal cap of $9,500 for such acts at 8:30 am on Jan 1st.
If you were given a tenth of a penny for every dollar Michael made, you would be living comfortably at $65,000 a yeaar.
Michael will make about $19.60 while watching the 100 meter dash in the Olympics. He will make about $15,600 while the Boston Marathon (26 miles) is being run by the winner.
During the time the commom person is spending about $20.00 for a meal in Michaels trendy Chhicago resteraunt, Michael will make more than twice as much as all the past presidents have made in all their terms combined. PRETTY AMAZING HUH?
…….BUT Michael Jordan will have to save 100 percent of his income for 270 years to have a NET worth equivalent to that of Bill Gates, the founder of Microsoft.
NOW WHICH WOULD YOU RATHER BE???????
The Democratic National Committee finally released thousands of pages of
financial disclosure information. Says Vince Vieceli, Unfortunately,
they released them from a third-floor balcony in New York during the
parade for the Yankees.
Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
If you do what you have always done,
You will get what you have always gotten.
Yo mamas so dumb she tried to throw a stone at the ground but she missed.