Old and New Jokes

• Your last name stays put.

• The garage is all yours.

• Wedding plans take care of themselves.

• Chocolate is just another snack.

• You can wear a white shirt to a water park.

• You never feel compelled to stop a friend from getting laid.

• Car mechanics tell you the truth.

• You dont give a rats ass if someone notices your new haircut.

• The world is your urinal.

• Hot wax never comes near your private areas.

• You never have to drive to another gas station because this ones just too icky.

• Same work … more pay.

• Your ass is never a factor in a job interview.

• Wrinkles add character.

• You dont have to leave the room to make emergency crotch adjustments.

• Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.

• If you retain water, its in a canteen.

• People never glance at your chest when youre talking to them.

• The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.

• New shoes dont cut, blister, or mangle your feet.

• Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with So, notice anything different?

• One mood, ALL the damn time …

• Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.

• You dont have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming.

• You can quietly watch a game with your buddy for hours without ever thinking He must be mad at me.

• You dont mooch off each others desserts.

• You can drop by to see a friend without having to bring a little gift.

• If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you just might become lifelong friends.

• You are not expected to know the names of more than five colours.

• You dont have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.

• You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.

• The same hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades.

• You dont have to shave below your neck.

• Your belly usually hides your big hips

• One wallet and one pair of shoes, one colour, all seasons.

• You can do your nails with a pocketknife. You have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.

• Christmas shopping can easily be accomplished for 25 relatives on December 24th … in 45 minutes.

God worried that Adam would frequently become lost in the garden because he would not ask for directions.
God knew that Adam would one day require someone to locate and hand him the TV remote.
God knew that Adam would never go out and get himself a new fig leaf when his seat wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
God knew that Adam would never be able to make a doctors, dentist or haircut appointment for himself.
God knew that Adam would never be able to remember which night to put the garbage on the curb.
God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would never be able to handle the pain and discomfort of childbearing.
As Keeper of the Garden Adam would never remember where he left his tools.
Apparently, Adam needed someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in the garden.
As the Bible says, It is not good for man to be alone!
And finally, the number ONE reason that God created Eve…
When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back, scratched His head and said, I can do better than that.

This message is done on 100% recycled electrons.

A lonely divorcee was driving home from work one evening when she saw a man trying to hitch a ride. She picked him up and they got to talking.

What do you do? she asked him. I recently escaped from prison for having killed my wife. Oh, does that mean you are available?

Whats grosser than gross?
Two Siamese twins connected at the tongue.Whats even grosser than that?
When one of them throws up.

One night, a cabby picked up a nun. While he was driving, the cabby suddenly started to laugh insanely.

Why are you laughing? Asked the nun.

Oh, Its nothing. said the cabby.

No, really. said the nun I wont mind.

So the Cabby told her:

Well, Its really silly but Ive always had this fantasy of having a blow job done by a nun.

Well then, whats your name? The nun asked

Robert

Are you married?

No.

Are you christian?

Yes.

Then Pull into the next alley.

The cabby was stunned. but he didnt want to give up this chance so he pulled into the next alley. When they were finished, they returned to the cab.

While driving, the cabby started to cry.

Why are you crying? asked the nun

Im sorry, Ive lied.

How so?

Well, My name is David, I have a wife and three children, and Im Jewish.

Well, Ive done a bit of lying too… smiled the nun My name is George and Im going to a costume party.

Ring, ring.

Hello, and welcome to the psychiatric helpline.

If you have compulsive obsessions, please press number one several times.

If you have problem with the self esteem, ask somebody to press number two for
you.

If you have multiple personalities, press numbers 4, 5 and 6.

If you are paranoid we know who you are and what you want, just keep the line
open until we have traced the call.

If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully; a small voice will let you know
which number to press.

If you are depressive, it doesnt matter which number you press. Nobody will
answer anyway.

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers arent afraid to have a Chapter 11?

I asked my wife why there were so many dings on the drivers side of her Mercedes and she said the brakes must be bad on that side.

After you lose an election, will they let you back into all the exclusive clubs you resigned from?

This is the only place in the country where people pull over and stop for a funeral, but speed up to cut off an ambulence or a firetruck.

I went out today and bought everything Ive been wanting, because now that the elections are over, I know that the politicians are going to take care of the middle class.

Q: How many (generation) Xers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two, one to go and shoplift the bulb so the boomers have something to screw in and the other to screw it in for minimum wage.

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old Man:

Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well its built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands, piled it for months. But do they call me McGregor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin back. I carved that wood with me own hard labor, for eight days. But do they call me McGregor-the-Bar-builder?

Nooo…

Then the old man points out the window.

Eh, Laddy, look out to sea. Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board. But do they call me McGregor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo…

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one is paying attention.

But ya fuck one sheep . . .

A guy is sitting at a bar, throwing back glass after glass of scotch. The bartender, a little worried, asks him if hes okay.

No, Im not, the guy replies.

I just caught my wife in bed with my best friend.

Well, asks the bartender, what did you say to your wife?

Nothing. Im not speaking to that bitch anymore.

Well, what did you say to your best friend?

BAD DOG! BAD DOG!