Old and New Jokes

We have a stringent rule against chewing gum in our house, which led
to the following amusing episode:

My wife and I were discussing with our children a recent accident where a
man died trying to save his wife. My wife said that she would rather I
stay alive to take care of the kids. I said to the kids Wouldnt it be
terrible if Mommy and Daddy both died in an accident? The seven year old
solemnly agreed that it would be terrible. The five year old thought for
a few seconds, then brightened and said, At least we could have gum!

My husband and I had just finished tucking our four young ones into bed one evening when we heard sobbing coming from three-year-old Erics room.

Rushing to his side, we found him crying hysterically. He had accidentally swallowed a penny and was sure he was going to die. No amount of talking could change his mind.

Desperate to calm him, my husband palmed a penny that he happened to have in his pocket and pretended to pull it from Erics ear.Eric was delighted.

In a flash, he snatched it from my husbands hand, swallowed it and demanded cheerfully, Do it again, Dad!

Eating with Children

A guy hosted a dinner party for people from work, including his boss.

All during the sit-down dinner, the hosts three-year-old girl stared at her fathers boss sitting across from her. The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.

The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her from staring at him. He tried his best to just ignore her but, finally it was too much for him.

He asked her, Why are you staring at me?

Everyone at the table had noticed her behavior and the table went quiet for her response.

The little girl said, My Daddy said you drink like a fish and I dont want to miss it!

Your momma is so fat that when God made light, he had to ask her to move!

Una mañana después de estar recogiendo fruta en el bosque Blanca Nieves llego a la casa de los enanos pero ellos no se encontraban en casa. Blanca Nieves estaba muy cansada así que subió a la recámara donde se encontraban las camas las juntó, se quitó la ropa y se durmió sobre las camas.

Horas después los enanos llegaron a casa después de una larga jornada de trabajo en las minas, subieron a la recámara en fila como era costumbre, y cuando el enano que iba en el frente de la fila vio a Blanca Nieves que se encontraba durmiendo desnuda sobre las camas exclamó: ¡Una mujer!, y los demás enanos repitieron: una mujer, una mujer, una mujer y así hasta terminar con todos.

Después el enano dijo ¡está desnuda! Está desnuda, está desnuda, está desnuda, está desnuda.

¡Es grande!, es grande, es grande, es grande, es grande…

De pronto Blanca Nieves despertó y se puso de pie y el enano que se encontraba al frente de la fila sorprendido dijo: ¡Se paró!

Y los enanos siguieron:

¡A mi también, a mí también, a mí también, a mí también…

What do parsley and pubic hair have in common?

You have to move them both aside before you eat

Two Texas Aggies (Texas A&M…) are working a construction job installing drywall.

The more senior one notices that the junior guy is throwing away about half of the his nails, and inquires.

The junior guy tells him that the ones hes throwing out have the head on the wrong side.

You idiot! exclaims the supervisor, Dont throw those away! Those are perfectly good nails, and, pointing to the other side of the room, they just go on that wall over there.

A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing. The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.

Yes, replied the Chinese man, Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too.

The Jewish man replied, Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old.

The Chinese man was incredulous, Thats impossible, he replied. Where did your people eat for a thousand years?

Isnt history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers.

Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore be incapable of fighting in the future.

This famous weapon was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as plucking the yew (or pluck yew).

Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying See, we can still pluck yew! PLUCK YEW!

Since pluck yew is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodental fricative F, and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute are mistakenly thought to have something to do with an intimate encounter.

It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as giving the bird.

And yew thought yew knew everything …

Phone NASA. Their phone number is (731) 483-3111. Explain that its very important that you get away as soon as possible.
If they do not cooperate, phone any friend you may have in the White House – (202) 456-1414 – to have a word on your behalf with the guys at NASA.
If you dont have any friends at the White House, phone the Kremlin (ask the overseas operator for 0107-095-295-9051). They dont have any friends there either (at least, none to speak of), but they do seem to have a little influence, so you may as well try.v
If that also fails, phone the Pope for guidance. His telephone number is 011-39-6-6982, and I gather his switchboard is infallible.
If all these attempts fail, flag down a passing flying saucer and explain that its vitally important you get away before your phone bill arrives.

(Douglas Adams in prologue to the omnibus version of The Htchikers Guide To The Galaxy.)