Old and New Jokes

Una tía que ha estado casada tres veces, se casa por cuarta vez. Al llegar la noche de bodas le dice a su nuevo marido que es virgen.

¿Pero qué dices? ¡Si has estado casada tres veces!

Ya, pero es que verás: mi primer marido era marica y se casó conmigo por aquello de las apariencias. El segundo era un militar y tenía una herida de guerra precisamente ahí. Y el tercero era un demócrata.

¿Y eso, qué tiene que ver?

Que cuando nos metíamos en la cama, en vez de hacer algo se ponía a contarme lo bien que iba a resultar todo.

Q: How many rednecks does it take to eat a possum?



A: Three. One to eat it and two to watch for cars.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Doctor!
Doctor who?
You just said it!

A man was driving down a local street one day and approached a stop sign. He barely slowed down and ran right through the stop sign after glancing for traffic.

What the driver didnt know was that a policeman was watching the intersection. The policeman pulled out after him and stopped the car two blocks away.

Policeman: License, registration and proof of insurance please.

Driver: Before I give it to you, tell me what the heck you stopped me for, man.

Policeman: Watch your tone sir; you ran the stop sign back there!!

Driver: Man, I slowed down, what the heck is the difference!?!

The police officer pulled out his night stick and began smashing it over the mans head and shoulders.

Policeman: Now, do you want me to just slow down or stop!!!?

Does your organization struggle with the problem of properly fitting people to jobs? Here is a handy hint for ensuring success in job placement.

Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.

If they have taken the table apart in that time, put them in Engineering.

If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Accounting.

If they are screaming and waving their arms, send them off to Manufacturing.

If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.

If they are sleeping, they are Management material.

If they are writing up the experience, send them to Tech Pubs.

If they dont even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.

If they try to tell you its not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.

And if theyve left early, put them in Sales.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky
tire.

A guy phones a law office and says: I want to speak to my lawyer. The receptionist replies, Im sorry but he died last week.



The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, I told you yesterday, he died last week.



The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his lawyer. By this time the receptionist is getting a little annoyed and says, I keep telling you that your lawyer died last week. Why do you keep calling?



The guy says, Because I just love hearing it.

Q: Did you hear about the new Viagra candy bar?
A: Oh, Oh, Oh my God, Henry!

Q: What do you get when you mix Viagra and Prozac?
A: A guy who is ready to go, but doesnt really care where.

Q: What is the difference between your first honeymoon and your second?
A: The first: Niagara; the second: Viagra.

Q: What do you get when you mix Viagra with rogaine?
A: Don King.

Q: What happens if you get the Viagra pill stuck in your throat?
A: You get a stiff neck.

Q: What is Viagra Falls?
A: A newly discovered waterfall that flows upward.

Q: How many doses of Viagra does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One little tablet, and its a whole new bulb.

This a new month. Which means its time to once again look at the things people do in search of a buck. Yep, its Weird Business News.

Our Best Stock Symbol Award this time to Schlotzskys, the Austin-based sandwich shop chain. You can find its price on the Nasdaq listings under BUNZ.

The Best Millennium Event for Elvis Fans – the 1999 Millennium Elvis Week Aug. 8 through 16 at Memphis, in which Elvis will be recognized – albeit by the people who make and sell his records – as the Artist of the Century.

Our It Sounds Dirty Even If It Isnt Award to Douglas R. Nappi, a vice president for government relations at the New York Stock Exchange. Nappi was complaining about those who hack into sites that provide stock quotes without paying for the service. Nappi calls it quote sucking.

The One Million and One Uses for Duct Tape Award to former astronaut and U.S. Sen. John Glenn. In a recent speech in Avon, Ohio, Glenn revealed that astronauts have used the tape in space. Most common use – taping trays to flat surfaces so their food is easier to eat.

Copied from Houston Chronicle Columnist, Jim Barlow

After a few years of married life, an engineer finds he is unable to perform. He goes to his doctor, and his doctor tries a few things but nothing works.

Finally the doctor says to him This is all in your mind. and refers him to a psychiatrist.

After a few visits to the shrink, he confesses, I am at a loss as to how you could possibly be cured.

Finally the psychiatrist refers him to a witch doctor.

The witch doctor says, I can cure this. He throws powder on a flame and there is a flash with billowing blue smoke.

The witch doctor says This is a powerful healing, but you can only use it once a year! All you have to do is say 123 and it will rise as long as you wish!

The guy then asks the witch doctor What happens when its over?

The witch doctor says All you or your partner has to say is 1234 and it will go down. But be warned; it will not work again for a year!

The guy goes home and that night he is ready to surprise his wife with the good news. So, he is lying in bed with her and says 123, and suddenly he gets an erection.

His wife turns over and says What did you say 123 for?