Old and New Jokes

A very British one:

0. Stone cold sober. Brain as sharp as an army bayonet.

1. Still sober. Pleasure senses activated. Feeling of well being.

2. Beer warming up head. Chips are ordered. Barmaid complimented on choice of blouse.

3. Crossword in newspaper is filled in. After a while the blanks are filled with random letters and numbers.

4. Barmaid complimented on choice of bra. Partially visible when bending to get packets of crisps. Try to instigate conversation about bra. Order half a dozen packets of crisps one by one.

5. Have brilliant discussion with a guy at the bar. Devise a foolproof scheme for winning the lottery. Sort out cricket/tennis/football problems. Agree people are same the world over – except for the bloody French.

6. Feel like a demi-god. Map out rest of life on beer mat. Realize that everybody loves you. Ring up parents and tell them you love them. Ring girlfriend to tell her you love her and she still has an amazing arse.

7. Send drinks over to woman sitting at table with boyfriend. No reaction. Scribble out message of love on five beer mats and frisbee them to her across the room. Boyfriend asks you outside. You buy him a pint.

8. Some slurring. Offer to buy drinks for everyone in room. Lots of people say yes. Go round the pub hugging them one by one. Fall over. Get up.

9. Headache kicks in. Beer tastes off. Send it back. Beer comes back tasting same. Say, Thats much better. Fight nausea by trying to play poker machine for 10 minutes before seeing out of order sign.

10. Some doubling of vision. Stand on table shouting abuse at all four barmen. Talked down by barmens wives, who you offer to give baby to. Fall over. Get up. Fall over. Impale head on comer of table. Fail to notice oozing head wound.

11. Speech no longer possible. Eventually manage to find door. Sit and take stock. Realize you are sitting in pub cellar having taken a wrong turn. Vomit. Pass out.

12. Put in taxi by somebody. Give home address. Taken home. Cant get key in door. Realize youve given address of the local football club. Generally pleased at way evening has gone. Pass out again.

A nun comes to her Mother Superior and asks her to hear a confession: Today I enjoyed the pleasures of the flesh. Father Goodwim came to me and told me that I had the gates to Heaven here between my legs. Then he said that he had the key to Heaven, and he put it in the gates.

BASTARD! cried the Mother Superior. For years he told me it was Gabriels trumpet and I have been blowing it.

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in comes four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!
Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days! Two more blondes show up and soon their voices join in raising the roof, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!
Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table rupts. Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting, 51 days, 51 days, 51 days!
The bartender cant contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the table. There in the center is a beautiful childs puzzle of the cookie monster. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, Whats all the chanting and celebration about?
The blonde who brought in the picture pipes up, Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together.
The side of the box said 2 – 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!

Una señora tuvo un hijo y le dijo a la enfermera, Señora, puedo ver a mi bebé.

Le dice la enfermera, Pero su hijo no tiene piernas.

No importa, déjemelo ver.

Pero su hijo no tiene brazos.

No importa, déjemelo ver.

Pero su hijo no tiene cuerpo.

No importa, déjemelo ver.

Entonces se fue la enfermera por el bebé y le trae una oreja a la mamá y la mamá dice, Mi amor de los corazones.

Y le dice la enfermera, Háblele más duro que es un poco sordo…

Dos hormigas descansan junto a un riachuelo esperando a que el día transcurra. En eso, la más pícara de las dos se da cuenta que cruzando el riachuelo hay una gran canasta con dulces y tortas que una familia había dejado allí por olvido y comienza a elucubrar cómo demonios llegar hasta allá cuando, justo en ese momento, pasa por ahí un sapo. Sin vacilar, la pícara hormiga se dirige al batracio:

Sapo, ¿nos podrías cruzar al otro lado del riachuelo para así llegar a esa canasta de allá? Si nos ayudas te daremos un pastel a cambio.

El sapillo accede y las hormigas se suben a su espalda, pero había un problema que las hormigas no habían considerado: el sapo estaba muy, pero muy hediondo, tanto que los insectos comenzaron con arcadas y terminaron vomitando. Ya en la otra orilla, después de pagarle al sapo lo prometido, la pícara hormiga le sugiere a su amiga:

No nos subiremos nuevamente a la espalda de ese sapo porque está insufrible. Mira, con estas tres pajitas que están en el suelo construimos una barca y nos llevamos las cosas hasta el hormiguero donde, seguro, seremos proclamadas héroes.

La compañera accede y juntas construyen su barca; pero como colocaron tantas cosas en la barquita, a mitad del camino ésta se les hundió y las hormigas murieron ahogadas.

Moraleja:

Más vale un sapo hediondo que tres pajas mal hechas.

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. I couldnt help noticing how happy you look, she said. Whats your secret for a long happy life?

I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, he said. I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise!



Thats amazing, the woman said. How old are you?



He thought for a moment, and replied, Twenty-six.

Twas the Night Before Christmas: Texas Version



Twas the night before Christmas, in Texas, you know.

Way out on the prairie, without any snow.

Asleep in their cabin, were Buddy and Sue,

A dreamin of Christmas, like me and you.

Not stockings, but boots, at the foot of their bed,

For this was Texas, what more need be said,

When all of a sudden, from out of the still night,

There came such a ruckus, it gave me a fright.

And I saw cross the prairie, like a shot from a gun,

A loaded up buckboard, come on at a run,

The driver was Geein and Hawin, with a will,

The horses (not reindeer) he drove with such skill.

Come on there Buck, Poncho, & Prince, to the right,

Therell be plenty of travelin for you all tonight.

The driver in Levis and a shirt that was red,

Had a ten-gallon Stetson on top of his head.

As he stepped from the buckboard, he was really a sight,

With his beard and moustache, so curly and white.

As he burst in the cabin, the children awoke,

And were so astonished, that neither one spoke.

And he filled up their boots with such presents galore,

That neither could think of a single thing more.

When Buddy recovered the use of his jaws,

He asked in a whisper, Are you really Santa Claus?

Am I the real Santa? Well, what do you think?

And he smiled as he gave a mysterious wink.

Then he leaped in his buckboard, and called back in his drawl,

To all the children in Texas, Merry Christmas, You-all!

This joke should be told to a drinking audience, one that can appreciate its difficulties:

Two brothers, Tucker & Buck, grew up on a duck farm with their parents; Becky & Huck. Comin back from town one day Hucks truck got unluckily stuck in some muck and, worse, the muck was between the ties of a railroad crossing. Sure enough, a train arrived and ran right over Becky, Huck, and the muck stuck truck.

Freshly orphaned, it didnt take the brothers long to exhaust their resources and in order to raise some cash, they decided to sell a couple ducks.

Tucker & Buck each tucked a duck up under their arm, & went strutting down the pike. At a fork in the road, a wager was struck for 10 bucks, Tucker & Buck would each try his luck selling a duck and meet again later to settle the wager.

Hiking briskly, Buck passed by a bungalow festooned with a buxom B girl on its Balcony. The Lass beckoned to Buck, and assured him his duck rendered adequate tender for her to remove the bends in his gender. Delighted, he complied. When finished, he dressed and proceeded to leave, alone and depressed as only the truly duckless can be. The B girl was pleased with his talent it seems saying Buck, stay and play through again, when done Ill send you, with your quacking friend, packing! So he did, and left with his duck.

The duck became heavy to Buck, so he snuck a small leash round its feathered neck and allowed it to walk beside him in the road, onward they strode. But a moment later a motorist made muck of the duck, missing Buck by sheer luck. The duck mashing driver, overcome by a duck down quilt of guilt, console Buck with a Fiver!

Walking up through the yard of their inherited home, Buck saw his sibilant sibling stacking quarters on the steps, counting 50, 75, Five Dollars! Buck hollered What, only five for your duck? Why, I got a fuck for a duck, a duck for a fuck, AND five bucks for a fucked up duck!

A petty thief, a teacher and a lawyer die and go to heaven.

When they get there they are stopped by St. Peter, who then says, Sorry, heavens crowding up, so you need to answer a question correctly, or else you cant get in.

He looks at the teacher, and asks her: What was the name of the famous ocean-liner that sank after hitting an iceberg?

Oh, thats easy, the teacher replied, the Titanic. So St. Peter let her into heaven.

Next he turned to the petty thief. How many people died on that ship? St. Peter asked. Oooh, thats tough, but I saw the movie, and it was 1,500. St. Peter stepped away and the thief walked into heaven.

Finally, St. Peter turned to the lawyer.

He simply said to him: Name them.

Tourist to Taxi driver: How much is it to the Airport?

Taxi driver: Thats five pounds twenty.

Tourist: And how much is it for the luggage?

Taxi driver: The luggage, of course, is free.

Tourist: All right, just take that stuff along. Im walking.