Old and New Jokes

1. If you think youre fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If its up – put it down.

3. Dont cut your hair. Ever.

4. Sometimes were not thinking about you. Live with it.

5. Get rid of your cat.

6. Sunday = Sports.

7. Anything you wear is fine – really.

8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. Were bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you dont dress like the Dawson Creek girls, dont expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

23. Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says I love you like sex.

Hola, me llamo Chal-li, acabas de ser infectado por el último tipo de virus creado, el virus manual Chal-li. Soy un virus humilde y no me reenvío automáticamente ni borro ningún disco al ser recibido por lo tanto agradecería tu colaboración.

Lo primero que debes hacer es ir a la carpeta de Windows y borrar unos cuantos ficheros, si puede ser que suenen importantes como el win.ini, command.com y alguno otro que se os ocurra.

A continuación reenvíame a todos los nombres de tu libreta de direcciones.

Si quieres darme más fama sería un detalle que por último borraras el disco duro o le prendieras fuego a la CPU.

Muchas gracias por tu atención y te agradezco de antemano tu ayuda.

One who shortens the day by lengthening his night.

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city.

One night, one said to a another, “Im so hungry. Im going to go get something.”

“No dont! We have to wait for the others!”

“I dont care.” And off he went.

About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood.

The other vampire bat asked, “WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?”

“You really want to see?” asked the bloody one. “Follow me.”

So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, “Do you see that building?”

“Yes,” came the reply.

To that the first says, “Well, I didnt.”

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

A Its OK Daddy, Im not hurt.

One way to live together and never have an argument is for both husband and wife to be hard-of-hearing… and to share the same hearing aid.

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jacks liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o the brandy.""Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! Ive never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!""Oh Jack," she responded, "its only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superiors constipation!"Sister Mary Katherine didnt miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, shes going to shit!"

Due to a mixup on Grammy night, Madonna, Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera are forced to share a private jet in order to arrive in time for the ceremony. Once up in the air, Madonna pulls out a $1000 bill and says "Im going to throw this $1000 bill out the window and make someone down below very happy." Not to be outdone, Britney ripped $1000 bill in half and threw it out the window, saying, "Look, I just made two people really happy."Not even noticing Britneys stupid move, Christina bragged, "Look, Im going to throw 1000 $1 bills and make a lot more people a little happier." At this point the pilot, who has overheard all this bragging and cant stand it anymore, comes out and says, "I think Ill throw all three of you out of this plane and make 250 million people happy."

Sale un borracho de un bar, arrastrándose por el suelo. Va por la calle y sigue arrastrándose. Cuando llega a casa se arrastra por el pasillo. Entra en su habitación y se arrastra hasta su cama. Se acuesta como puede y se duerme en seguida. A la mañana siguiente su mujer le dice:

¡Vaya borrachera la de ayer!

Yo no…

No lo niegues. Acaban de llamar del bar diciendo que te olvidaste la silla de ruedas.