Old and New Jokes

A woman went to her doctor for a followup visit after the doctor
had prescribed testosterone (a male hormone) for her. She was a
little worried about some of the side effects she was experiencing.

Doctor, the hormones youve been giving me have really helped, but
Im afraid that youre giving me too much. Ive started growing hair
in places that Ive never grown hair before.

The doctor reassured her. A little hair growth is a perfectly normal
side effect of testosterone. Just where has this hair appeared?

On my balls.

Steve Losen
University of Virginia Academic Computing Center

1. I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hand.
2. Can I borrow a quarter? [What for?] I want to call my mom and tell I just
   met the girl of my dreams.

   OR:

   I want to call your mother and thank her.

3. Is your daddy a thief? [No.] Then how did he steal the sparkle of the
   stars and put it in your eyes? [Be ready with a snappy answer in case they say
   yes.]

4. Youre so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.
5. Would you be my love buffet? So I can lay you out on the table and take what
   I want?

6. Lets go to my place and do the things Ill tell everyone we did anyway.
7. The word of the day is legs. Lets go back to my place and spread the
   word.

8. Do your legs hurt from running through my dreams all night?
9. That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow
   morning.

10. My names [your name]. Thats so you know what to scream.
11. My names [your name], but you can call me lover.
12. Nice shoes. Wanna fuck?
13. Can I flirt with you?
14. Your daddy must have been a baker, cause youve got a nice set of buns.
15. [Look at his/her shirt label. When they say, What are you doing?:]

    Checking to see if you were made in heaven.

    OR:

    Checking to see if youre the right size.

16. All those curves, and me with no brakes.
17. If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
18. Fuck me if Im wrong, but dont you want to kiss me?
19. I like every bone in your body, especially mine.
20. [Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?
21. Is it hot in here or is it just you?
22. Can I have directions? [To where?] To your heart.
23. If I could rearrange the alphabet, Id put U and I together.
24. How about you sit on my lap and well see what pops up?
25. Do you know whatd look good on you? Me.
26. I miss my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
27. So… How am I doin?
28. How about you and I go back to my place and get out of these wet clothes?
29. [Tap your thigh] You just think this is my leg.
30. The first time is always the hardest.

WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations

Enjoys art and opera means: Snob

Enjoys Nature means: Bring your own granola

Exotic Beauty means: Would frighten a Martian

18 things not to say to your pregnant wife.

1. I finished the Oreos.

2. Not to imply anything, but I dont think the kid weighs 40 pounds.

3. Yknow, to look at her, youd never guess that Pamela Lee had a baby!

4. I hope your thighs arent gonna stay that flabby forever!

5. Darned if you arent five pounds away from a surprise visit from Richard Simmons.

6. Fred at the office passed a stone the size of a pea. Boy, thats gotta hurt.

7. Whoa! For a minute there, I thought I woke up next to Willard Scott!

8. Im so jealous! Why cant men experience the joy of childbirth?

9. Are your ankles supposed to look like that?

10. Get your *own* ice cream.

11. Geez, you look awfully puffy today.

12. Got milk?

13. Maybe we should name the baby after my secretary, Theresa?

14. Man! That rose tattoo on your hip is the size of Madagascar!

15. Retaining water? Yeah, like the Hoover Dam retains water…

16. Your stomach sticks out almost as much as your butt!

17. Well, cant they induce labor? The 25th is the Super Bowl!

18. You dont have the guts to pull that trigger…

A woman walks into a doctors surgery with a huge boil on her arse.

The doctor squeezes it, pushes it, and then looks at the hard white pus core.

He says, This is too big a job for me.

So he sends her to Gus the pus sucker.

The woman goes to Gus who looks at the bulging, red, inflamed boil festering with pus and says,

This is no problem.
Halfway through the operation the woman drops a mammoth fart.

Gus stops what hes doing, looks up and says,
You know lady, its people like you that make this job f***ing disgusting.

Jaimito le pregunta a la mamá que si puede bañar al periquito, y la mamá le dice que no, porque el ave podía morirse; pero como a la cuarta vez, le dijo que sí.

Un rato después, sale del baño y le dice a la mamá:

Mami, el periquito se murió.

Ya viste que los pericos se mueren cuando se bañan.

No, mami, no se murió cuando lo bañe, se murió cuando lo exprimí.

Inner Peace Through Materialism.

A pilot invited is friend to a flight in a small plane. They each brought girls to the flight.

As they been in the air, a strange sound came from the engine and the plane started to swing from side to side. So the pilot whispered to is friend: – There is a serious problem with the airplane. We are going to crash. There are only two parachutes in the plane … so grab one and lets save ourselves.

But what about the girls? – asked the friend.

Fuck the girls – answer the pilot with a scorn tone.

… You think we still have the time for that?

This one older lady, not quite up on the ins and outs of banks, was surprised to receive a notice demanding payment on her loan.

She called the loan officer & said, I cant return your money. Im not finished with it yet.

Theres these three guys and theyre out having a relaxing day fishing. Out of the blue, they catch a mermaid who begs to be set free in return for granting each of them a wish.



Now one of the guys just doesnt believe it, and says: OK, if you can really grant wishes, then double my I.Q.



The mermaid says: Done. Suddenly, the guy starts reciting Shakespeare flawlessly and analyzing it with extreme insight.



The second guy is so amazed he says to the mermaid: Triple my I.Q.



The mermaid says: Done. The guy starts to spout out all the mathematical solutions to problems that have been stumping all the scientists of varying fields: physics, chemistry, etc.



The last guy is so enthralled with the changes in his friends, that he says to the mermaid: Quintuple my I.Q.



The mermaid looks at him and says: You know, I normally dont try to change peoples minds when they make a wish, but I really wish youd reconsider.



The guy says: Nope, I want you to increase my I.Q. times five, and if you dont do it, I wont set you free.



Please, says the mermaid You dont know what youre asking…itll change your entire view on the universe…wont you ask for something else… a million dollars, anything?



But no matter what the mermaid said, the guy insisted on having his I.Q. increased by five times its usual power.



So the mermaid sighed and said: Done!



And he became a woman.