Old and New Jokes

Una chica va a confesarse. Pues verá, me acuso de que… bueno… es que mi novio es un hijo de puta y el otro día…

El cura la interrumpe y dice: ¡Pero chica ! ¡Como llamas hijo de puta a tu novio! ¿Que os ha pasado?

Pues es que el otro día me cogió la mano.

El cura la coge la mano y la dice: Pero mira, yo también te cojo la mano y no soy ningún hijo de puta.

Si, bueno… pero es que mi novio después me tocó las tetas.

El cura la toca las tetas y la dice: Mira, yo te estoy tocando las tetas pero no soy un hijo de puta.

Sí, pero es que mi novio además me hizo el amor.

El cura se la tira y luego la dice: Pues mira, yo también te he hecho el amor y no soy ningún hijo de puta.

Sí, pero es que mi novio tiene el SIDA.

!!!Que hijo de puta!!!

A US Border Patrol Agent catches an illegal alien in the bushes right by the border fence, he pulls him out and says Sorry, you know the law, youve got to go back across the border right now.

The mexican man pleads with them, No, noooo Senior, I must stay in de USA! Pleeeze!



The Border Patrol Agent thinks to himself, Im going to make it hard for him and says Ok, Ill let you stay if you can use 3 english words in a sentence.



The Mexican man of course agrees.



The Border Patrol Agent tells him, The 3 words are: Green, Pink and Yellow. Now use them in 1 sentence.



The Mexican man thinks really hard for about 2 minutes, then says, Hmmm, Ok. The phone, it went Green, Green, Green,… I Pink it up, and sez Yellow?

If you get in my way, Ill kill you!



– ideal project manager





If you get in my way, youll kill me!



– somewhat less than ideal project manager





If I get in my way, Ill kill you!



– somewhat misguided project manager





If I get in your way, Ill kill you!



– A tough project manager (eats glass, live cats, etc.)





If get kill in will way I you.



– dyslexic, functionally illiterate project



manager





I am the way! Kill me if you can!



– messianic project manager





Get away, Ill kill us all!



– suicidal project manager





If you kill me, Ill get in your way.



– thoughtful but ineffective project manager





If I kill you, Ill get in your way.



– project manager who has trouble dealing with the obvious





If a you getta ina my way, I gonna breaka you arm.



– project manager from New York





I am quite confident that there is nothing in the way, so



no one will get killed.



– project manager who is about to get in big trouble





If you kill me, so what? If you get in my way, who cares?



– weak, uninspired, lackluster project manager





If I kill me, youll get your way.



– pragmatic project manager





Kill me, its the only way.



– every project manager to date.

Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors. If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades, boasts Gates, you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour, says Gates.

Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50, he continues.

In response to all this goading, the GM chairman replies, Yes, but would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?

Why did Hitler commit suicide?

– He got his gas bill

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and its a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priests collar and says, So — youre a priest. Im a rabbi. Just look at our cars. Theres nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days.

The priest replies, I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God.

The rabbi continues, And look at this. Heres another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didnt break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. He hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, Arent you having any? The rabbi replies, No . . . I think Ill wait for the police.

So I said Hey man, thats my beer.

Then he says, No man, thats my beer.

Then the beers say, No man, were are own beers.

Thats when we realized we had too many beers.

Three best friends are at the corner bar on a Friday night as usual. One of them is an Italian, one is Black and the other is Jewish.

They are sitting around drinking some beers, and they make a wager. They bet who can make love to their wife and make her scream the longest. They agree to return next week and compare.

Next week, they all arrive at the bar at the usual time with smiles on their faces. The Italian guy says, I definitely won. I took my wife out to dinner, bought her roses, then took her home and made love to her. She screamed for an hour.

The black guy says, Man, thats nothin. I cooked dinner for my wife, and for dessert I poured honey all over her and made love to her like never before. She screamed for two hours.

The Jewish guy chimes in, I got you both beat. I made love to my wife for 3 minutes, pulled out, then wiped my schmeckel on the curtain. Shes still screaming!

Dear Mom, Our scout master told us all write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call Chads mother and tell her he is OK. He cant write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it hadnt been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Webb got mad at Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didnt hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood still didnt burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the car fixed. It wasnt his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that a car that old you have to expect something to break down; thats probably why he cant get insurance on it. We think its a neat car. He doesnt care if we get it dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a neat guy. Dont worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him drive on the mountain roads where there isnt any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldnt let me because I cant swim and Chad was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees und

This is a collection of actual student bloopers collected by teachers from 8th grade through college.

Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert and traveled by Camelot. The climate of the Sarah is such that the inhabitants have to live elsewhere.

The Bible is full of interesting caricatures. In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree. One of their children, Cain, asked, Am I my brothers son?

Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the ten commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldnt have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.

In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled the biscuits, and threw the java.

Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be made king. Dying, he gasped out: Tee hee, Brutus.

Another story was William Tell, who shot an arrow through an apple while standing on his sons head.

Queen Elizabeth was the Virgin Queen. As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, hurrah.

It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Gutenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. And Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100 foot clipper.