Youve ever re-used a paper plate.
Smith and Wesson attended your wedding without an invitation and there was nothing you could do about it.
When you hear someone talking about the king you dont know whether theyre talking about Elvis or Richard Petty.
Q: What does Hillary have in common with the city of Buffalo?
A: They both have Bills that are losers.
When in doubt, mumble.
Yo mama so fat I can stand on her belly and high-five God…
A friend of mine redid the recent analogy of Cow Economics:
SOCIALISM – You have two cows. The government nationalizes both cows but still allows you to sell milk.
COMMUNISM – You have two cows. The government takes both and gives you spoiled milk.
FASCISM – You have two cows. The government takes one away and presses it into military service.
NAZISM – You have two cows. The government takes one away and shoots it for having a large nose and dark spots.
TRIBALISM – You have two cows. Your neighbors take both cows and shoot you.
REDISTRIBUTIONISM – You have two cows. Everyone should have the same amount of cow. The government takes both cows, cuts them up, and spends more than the cows are worth giving everyone a little piece of cow.
WELFAREISM (REDISTRIBUTIONISM REVISITED) – You have two cows. The government takes one to give to someone else who doesnt know how to milk it.
BUREAUCRACY – You have two cows. The government takes both, loses one while moving it to a farm in Puerto Rico and forgets to milk the other.
LIBERTARIANISM – You have two cows. You let them do what they want.
CAPITALISM – You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.
REAGANOMICS – You have two cows. You sell one, buy a bull. You take out a huge loan on the cow, and ignore both the cow and the loan from that point on. Then, you try to milk the bull and blame the Japanese for its lack of production.
CONSERVATISM – You have two cows. They pray in school every day.
LIBERALISM – You have two cows. You dont worry that they sleep together.
PROTECTIONISM – You have two cows. You cant buy a bull from another country.
PEROTISM – You have two cows. You arent allowed to sell the milk to Mexicans.
HILLARYISM – You have two cows. Everyone should have a cow from the government, even if they dont want a cow.
CLINTONISM – You have two cows. The president cant decide what he wants to do about it.
Here are the final results of the February Macmillan USA Information SuperLibrary(tm) TOP TEN Contest. The list is compiled from vistors to the SuperLibrary at http://www.mcp.com/
Winners to the monthly contest are awarded prizes from the SuperLibrary.
Dont need any commentators to tell me what I just saw on the Web.
Mystery envelope only contains beta version of Windows 95.
Judge Itos laptop is actually running Netscape to pass the time during boring testimony.
No flames from Marcia Clark.
Judge Ito cant suppress URLs.
The WWW release of OJs new book, I want to HTML you.
No pesky station identifier at the lower right of the screen.
My web connection runs slightly faster than O.J.s Bronco.
Dan Rather cant interrupt the Web with a special bulletin.
And the number one reason surfing the Web is more fun than watching the OJ trial:
If you click on Judge Ito, you wont get cited for contempt.
King Arthur was getting ready to go on a Quest. He was worried about leaving his beautiful Queen Guinevere alone with all those lonely Knights of the Round Table. So he went to his famous wizard, Merlin, for some advice.
After explaining his predicament to Merlin, the wizard looked thoughtful and said to come back in a week and hed see if he could come up with something.
A week later King Arthur was back in Merlins laboratory where the good wizard was showing him his latest invention.
It was a chastity belt… except it had a rather large hole in the most obvious place. This is no good, Merlin! the king exclaimed, Look at this opening. How is this supposed to protect mlady, the Queen?
Ah, sire, just observe. said Merlin as he searched his cluttered workbench until he found what he was looking for. He then selected his most worn out wand, one that he was going to discard anyway. He then inserted it in the gaping aperture of the chastity belt whereupon a small guillotine blade came down and cut it neatly in two.
Merlin, you are a genius! said the grateful monarch, Now I can leave, knowing that my Queen is fully protected. After putting Guinevere in the device, King Arthur then set out upon his Quest.
Several years passed until he returned to Camelot. Immediately he assembled all his knights in the courtyard and had them drop their trousers for an informal short arm inspection.
Sure enough! Each and every one of them was either amputated or damaged in some way. All of them except Sir Galahadhis.
Sir Galahadhis, exclaimed King Arthur, The one and only true knight! Only you among all the nobles have been true to me. What is it in my power to grant you? Name it and it is yours!
But Sir Galahadhis was speechless.
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his findings.
The cardiologist did a few more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his findings rather than continue to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after hed been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, You know… This is completely unfair.
What do you mean? asks the surgeon.
Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and thats more than I get paid in a year, replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.
Thats not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart, says the driver.
Well if thats the case, Ill tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right. replies the surgeon.
The driver replies, Ok. Youre on.
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the drivers hat and sits in the back of the room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks hes done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.
You know… says the driver, I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.
Llega Isaac muy preocupado a hablar con su padre: ¡Oh, badre Abraham, yo estoy muy breocupados borque haberme llegados un requerimientos de la oficina de recaudación de impuestos y no se cómo bresentarme.
Continúa Isaac…
Fui a bedir consejos a mi hermano Jakob y él haber dichos: Tú hermano… llévate tu mejor trajes, el rolex de oro, las plumas Mont Blancs; llega en el Mercedez Benz negros y bórtate como si fueras dueños del mundo.
Luego haber ido con mi hermano Ysrael y él aconsejar: Querrido hermanos…Tu llévate unos pantalones de mezclillas viejitos, playera blanca, ponte el timex más jodidos, lleva una plumas bic, llega en besero y bórtate el mas humildes del mundo.
¡Oh, padre, yo no se a cual de los dos he de hacerles caso, si a Jakob o a Ysrael!
Y Abraham, como todo un patriarca le responde, lleno de sabidurÃa:
Mira querido hijos, yo solamente puedo responderte lo mismos que le dije a tu hermanas Sarita el dÃa de su bodas cuando ella breguntó que debÃa usar la noche de bodas, si un negligé transparentes o un camisón de franelas. Lo que le dije fué: Querrida hija, vayas como vayas… te van a coger.