A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. Someone suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation into giving more.
And just how would I go about doing that? he asked.
It is very simple. First you turn off the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone voice. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate.
So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold, the plates were full of 20 dollar bills! Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.
Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.
Crap! exclaimed the pastor.
It took them a week to clean up the church.
Creativity is great, but plagiarism is faster.
When you make your mark in the world, watch out for guys with erasers.
Found it on soc.culture.sri-lanka ….
The dean of Engineering had once walked into a class, and said
Good Morning. The whole class chorused Good Morning.
Hi, you are freshmen arent you? he asked.
One student bolder than the others asked him how he knew.
Well, he said. When I say Good Morning to a class, if they are
freshmen they say Good Morning too. If they are sophomores, they
quietly fold their papers away, and look at me. A class of Juniors
will look at me over the top of their papers, and then get back to
them. A class of Seniors will ignore my greeting, and keep reading
the papers. When I say Good Morning to a class of graduate students,
they write it down.
Whats a lesbian dinosaur? A lickalotofpuss !
Whats a gay dinosaur? A lickdicknopuss !
BONN, Germany (Reuter) — Thousands of Germans are keeping unfortunate surnames such as Kotz (Vomit), Moerder (Murder), Brathuhn (Roast chicken) and even Hitler, even though they could legally change them, a magazine reported Sunday.
The German phonebook lists hundreds of people with the surname Faul (Lazy), Fett (Fat), Dreckmann (Filth-man), Dumm (Stupid) and Schwein (Pig), the weekly Focus magazine said in an advance release ahead of publication Monday.
Unflatteringly named Germans said that they mainly had problems with their names as children and that later in life they had decided not to bow to social pressure to change them.
Why should I have a different name from my father and grandfather? said one Herr Schwein.
Your mommas so fat that when she sits on a penny Lincoln dies once again!!
A doctor and a lawyer were attending a cocktail party when the doctor was approached by a man who asked advice on how to handle his ulcer. The doctor mumbled some medical advice, then turned to the lawyer and remarked, I never know how to handle the situation when Im asked for medical advice during a social function. Is it acceptable to send a bill for such advice? The lawyer replied that it was certainly acceptable to do so.
The next day, the doctor sent the ulcer-stricken man a bill. The lawyer also sent one to the doctor.
WOMEN SEEKING MEN Classifieds translations
Self-employed means: Jobless
Smart means: Insipid
Special means: Rode the small schoolbus w/ tinted windows
Q: How many Iranians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One hundred – One to screw it in and 99 to hold the house hostage.