Old and New Jokes

Suspecting that his wife had a lover, but still having to be away for a day and a night, the very clever husband came up with an idea.

Under their bed, he placed a saucepan filled with milk, and above it, attached to the bottom of the bed, a wooden spoon. By his calculations, the weight of his wife shouldnt be enough for making the spoon reach the milk; but if she had company in bed, the spoon would get a white line, and the affair would be revealed.

So, the next day, as soon as he got home, he went to the bedroom and inspected the result of his plan…

The saucepan was filled with butter!

During the Soviet years in Lithuania, there was a guy Romas Kalanta who burned himself to death in protest to the Communist regime. The official reaction at that time was that the guys insane.

Now, with Communists gone, a special commision was formed to prove that Kalanta (who has become a national hero) was sane and all right.

So the commision (made of psichiatric experts) unburried the 10 years old remains, examined them, and presented a official report that Kalanta was in his own mind when he passed away.

No problem.

Did you know that Jeffrey Dahmer was the only man in America whose bologna
really did have a first name?

ON A HAIR DRYER:
Do not use while sleeping.ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
Directions: Use like regular soap.ON A FROZEN DINNER:
Serving suggestion: Defrost.ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP:
Fits one head.ON TESCOS TIRAMISU DESERT:
Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
Product will be hot after heating.ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
Do not iron clothes on body.ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
Do not drive car or operate machinery.ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
Warning: may cause drowsiness.ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
Warning keep out of children.ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
For indoor or outdoor use only.ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
Not to be used for the other use.ON SAINSBURYS PEANUTS:
Warning: contains nuts.ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.

Do you know why the Texas Aggies use artificial turf in their football

stadium?

It helps stop their cheerleaders from grazing!

Joeys E-Mail Joke, and His Subsequent Visit from the Secret Service
Larry Learns About Leather
My Dad is a Fifty-Year-Old Hippie and I Want Some Discipline
Its a Mall World After All
RJ Reynolds Presents: A Teenagers Guide to the Dangerous, Grown-Up and Really Cool World of Smoking
I Can Stop Anytime I Want: My Personal Beanie Baby Hell
Look Before Crossdressing
The Littlest Testicle
Binge and Purge: A Junior High Girls Guide to Staying Skinny
If You Cant Stand the Infection, Don=92t Get Your Nipple Pierced
Eschew the Powder, Zebedee: An Amish Drug Tragedy
Yikes! My Boobs are Growing!

and Top5s Number 1 Afterschool Special for the 90s…

Your Internet Friend, Billy, Who Wants You to Take a Bus to Miami By Yourself, Probably Isnt Really 10 Years Old Like You

Ruminations & Ponderances

Ill bet Julius Caesars real last words were, Ha! The jokes on you Brutus. I still owe you 5 dollars.

(Thanks to Dave Henry)

[ This list copyright 1998 by Chris White ]
[ The Top 5 List top5@gmbweb.com http://www.topfive.com ]
[ To forward or repost, please include this section. ]

Q: Why is a washing machine better than a blonde?

A: Because you can drop your load in a washing machine, and it wont follow you around for a week.

Yo mama so stupid she told everyone that she was illegitiment because she couldnt read

One fine morning, Billy and Buddy Snake were hissing around the front of their pit when their mother came outside. Why dont you boys slither on over to Mrs. Pots pit and hiss there for awhile? she told them. So off they went.

They werent at Mrs. Pots pit five minutes before Mrs. Pot came out and scolded the two young snakes. Oh no you dont, she said angrily. You boys go back to your own pit and hiss there. So Billy and Buddy slithered back home.

Once back, their mother reappeared. I thought I told you boys to go to Mrs. Pots pit and hiss over there? she said. We did, said Buddy, but she told us we had to come back here and hiss in our own pit.

Well, the nerve of that woman, replied their mother. Why I can remember when Mrs. Pot didnt even have a pit to hiss in.

with thanks to Frederic

Vary your vehicles speed inversely with the speed limit.Roll down your windows and blast talk radio. Attempt to headbang.At stop lights, eye the person in the next car suspiciously. With a look of fear, lock your doors.Two words: Chicken suit.Write the words Help me on your back window in red paint. The more it looks like blood, the better.Have conversations, looking periodically at the passenger seat, when driving alone.Laugh a lot. A whole lot.Stop at the green lights.Go at the red ones.Occasionally wave a stuffed animal/troll doll/Barbie out your window or sunroof. Feel free to make it dance.Eat food that requires silverware.Pass cars, then drive very slowly.Sing without having the radio on.Honk frequently without motivation.Wave at people often. If they wave back, offer an angry look and an obscene gesture.Ask people for Grey Poupon.Let pedestrians know whos boss.Look behind you frequently, with a very paranoid look.Restart your car at every stop light.Hang numerous car-fresheners in the rear-view mirror. Talk to them, stroking them lovingly.Lob burning things in the windows of smokers who throw their butts out the window.While stopped at a light, piss out the window/sunroof onto other cars.Keep at least five cats in the car.Root (cheer, not snuffle in the mud) for firetrucks.Stop and collect roadkill.Throw Spam.Get in the fast lane and gradually … slow … down … to a stop. Then get out and watch the cars. Throw Spam at them.