Old and New Jokes

>From New Scientist, 28 august 93, Feedback column:

The National Westminster Bank admitted last month that it keeps
personal information about its customers-such as their political
affiliation-on computer. But now Computer Weekly reveals that a
financial institution, sadly unnamed, has gone one better and moved
into the realm of personal abuse.

The institution decided to mailshot 2000 of its richest customers,
inviting them to buy extra services. One of its computer programmers
wrote a program to search through its databases and select its
customers automatically. He tested the program with an imaginary
customer called Rich Bastard.

Unfortunately, an error resulted in all 2000 letters being addressed
Dear Rich Bastard. The luckless programmer was subsequently sacked.

There was this magician who did an act for vacationers. He had a parrot that was always ruining his act by blurting out in the middle of a trick, AWK! The card is up his sleeve, or AWK! He had the bird in his pocket, or AWK! He slipped it through a hole in the hat.

One day the ship sank, and the magician and parrot found themselves together, floating along on a small raft in the middle of the ocean. For three days the parrot just sat silently and stared at the magician. Finally, on the fourth day, the parrot said, AWK! Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?

Since the Bush administration hasnt yet figured out the details of its proposed military tribunals, I thought Id offer a suggestion.

Basically, we have three constraints to meet:

The trials must not be hampered by the US constitution: they are to be secret, with the ability to withhold evidence from the accused, use hearsay and circumstantial evidence, and impose the death penalty with a majority vote.

They need to be supervised by an institution with extensive experience in managing key elements of United States infrastructure.

Since were in a recession now, they need to be cheap.

I say we take a page from U.S. manufacturers and outsource them to China.

from rec.humor.funny

From The Simpsons in April of 1993:
[Bart] Didnt you think there was something wrong when you were getting checks for doing nothing?
[Grandpa] I thought it was because the Democrats were back in power.

There was an Irishman, an Englishman and Claudia Schiffer sitting together in a carriage in a train going through Tasmania. Suddenly the train went through a tunnel and as it was an old style train there were no lights in the carriages and it went completely dark.

Then there was this kissing noise and the sound of a really loud slap. When the train came out of the tunnel, Claudia Schiffer and the Irishman were sitting as if nothing had happened and the Englishman had his hand against his face as he had been slapped there.

The Englishman was thinking: The Irish fella must have kissed Claudia Schiffer and she missed him and slapped me instead.

Claudia Schiffer was thinking: The English fella must have tried to kiss me and actually kissed the Irishman and got slapped for it.

The Irishman was thinking: This is great! The next time the train goes through a tunnel Ill make another kissing noise and slap that English idiot again.

Q: How many Russians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Thats a military secret.

Q: How many Conservative economists does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None, because, look! Its getting brighter! Its definitely getting brighter!

Un hombre entra a su restaurante favorito, y se sienta en la mesa de siempre. Da una mirada a su alrededor y descubre a una hermosa mujer en una mesa cercana. Estaba completamente sola. El tipo llama al mozo y le indica enviar a la mujer la botella del Merlot más caro que tuvieran, adivinando que si la mujer aceptaba la botella se rendiría a sus pies. El mozo lleva la botella a la mesa de la mujer:

Esto es de parte del caballero de aquella mesa dice, señalando al hombre. La mujer mira la botella con frialdad durante un segundo, y decide enviarle una nota al hombre. Se la da al mozo, y el mozo la entrega al destinatario.

La nota decía:

Para que yo acepte esta botella, Usted debería tener un Mercedes en su garaje, un millón de dólares en él Banco y 20 cm. en sus pantalones.

Después de leer la nota, el hombre decide contestar. Le da una nota al mozo para que la entregue a la mujer. La nota decía:

Para deleitar su petición, podría vender mi Ferrari Modena 360 y mi BMW 850 iL y quedarme sólo con el Mercedes 600 SEL en mi garaje. Podría también invertir o donar doce de los trece millones de dólares en mi cuenta. Pero… ni por una mujer tan bella como usted me cortaría cinco centímetros!

P.D: Envíeme la botella de vuelta.

Q: What does PONTIAC stand for?



A: Poor Old Negro Thinks Its A Cadillac!

Little Johnny applied for a salesmans job at a big department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world – you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, Have you ever been a salesman before? No, this is my first job, said the lad, but the boss liked the cut of him and said, You can start tomorrow and Ill come and see you when we close up.

The day was long and arduous for the young man, but finally 5 oclock came around. The boss duly fronted up and asked, How many sales did you make today? One, said the young salesman. Only one? blurted the boss, Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale worth?? Three hundred thousand, three hundred and thirty four dollars. said Little Johnny.

How did you manage that? asked the flabbergasted boss. Well, said Little Johnny, this man came in and I sold him a small fish hook, then a medium hook and finally a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one and a huge big one. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. I said he would probably need a boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty foot schooner with the twin engines. Then he said his Volkswagen probably wouldnt be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser.

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook? No. answered Little Johnny, He came in to buy a box of Tampons for his wife so I said to him, Well, your weekends screwed – you might as well go fishing.