Old and New Jokes

A blonde goes into the beauty and hair parlor with her walkman on her head.

I need to take that walkman off your head, says the beauty specialist as she notices the blonde.

You cant! Ill die! retorts the blonde.

I cant cut your hair with the walkman on your ears! says the beauty specialist getting annoyed.

I said you cant take it off, or Ill die!

The beauty specialist, outraged and flustered, grabs the walkman and throws it off the head of the blonde. Within seconds, the blonde dies. When the specialist picks up the walkman to listen, she hears it repeating breath in, breath out, breath in.

Apparatus that automatically turns red
when your car approaches.

Two nuns were driving their car through Transylvania when suddenly Count
Dracula lands on the car, snarling.

Quick show him your cross! Said one of the nuns.

The second nun replied, Get off the God damn car!!

Johnny comes back from school crying and says, "Mommy all the kids in the school say I have a big head." His mother replies, "No you dont Johnny. You have a hideously deformed head. The other children are merely hiding the truth to protect your feelings."

A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through an automated radar. A $40 speeding ticket was included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40. The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.

The wife says: No
The wife means: No

The wife says: Maybe
The wife means: No

The wife says: Im sorry
The wife means: Youll be sorry

Q: How many Soviet emigres does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. Soviet emigres are used to sitting in the dark.

Q: How many civil servants does it take to change the light bulb?
A: 45. One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.

One night little Johnny got up to get a drink of water…. while walking past his parents he was forced to stop and scream daddy daddy what are you doing to mommy.

The dad simply replied mmmm… just making your brother Johnny …..go back to bed.

The next day when the dad got home from work he found Johnny crying on the stoop ….he asked Johnny what was wrong and Johnny replied oh daddy this morning I saw the mailman trying to eat my new brother

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable to the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the forced inspection, the farmers mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways…

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about. The farmer replied, The women would say, What a terrible tragedy and I would nod my head and say Yes, it was. The men would then ask, Can I borrow that mule? and I would shake my head and say, Cant, its all booked up for a year.