Old and New Jokes

An American woman of 40 wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man who has never been with a woman sexually.

After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.

She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback, and after a long-distance courtship, they decide to get married.

On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room, naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.

What happened? she asks.

Ive never been with a woman, he says. But if its anything like screwing a kangaroo Im gonna need all the room I can get!

A man can actually cater to a womans every need, so long as all that she wants is to have sex, go to ball games, and bring him a beer.

The following is taken from a Telephone Subscriber News Release dated January 14, 2002. Unfortunately, it has been determined that many computer users have not received this notice; therefore, I am forwarding it to you as a public service.

As you may have heard, the telephone company has been experiencing problems lately with busy signals, noise on the line, etc. They have determined that only an emergency cleaning of the lines will resolve these problems.

This maintenance has been scheduled for next Sunday (January 24, 2002), beginning at 6:00 A.M., and lasting most of the morning hours. (Strange, they usually do this operation right at the beginning of April).

PREPARE NOW FOR THIS MAINTENANCE OPERATION.

A lot of dust comes from the phones when the phone company cleans the lines. They usually send notices warning us to put plastic bags over the phones.

Telephone wires are like heater ducts, little empty tubes that carry your voices vibrations to the person youre calling. When the phone company cleans them, they send little cockroaches through them with feather dusters attached to their backs. The dust that is not picked up by the feather dusters is stirred up and comes out the little holes in the mouthpiece. Please dont take this issue lightly!

Before you allow the telephone company to clean out your phone lines, you should know that there is a serious side-effect to having the phone company blow or clean out your lines. If there is a weak spot in the insulation anywhere between the central office and your phone, it can cause an insulation break in your phone line. Through this break, solder ants can enter thus causing an infestation, especially when the insulation break is close to your house.

For the uninformed, solder ants, a close cousin to the leaf-cutter ant, crawl through the phone lines and attack the soldered connections in phone equipment, answering machines, telephones, modems, digital satellite receivers (plugged into a phone jack) and home computers, especially those using an internal modem. They eat the solder off of joints causing cold solder joints and opens. Symptoms of a solder ant infestation are the crackling and popping sounds heard on your phone, spurious reboots on your computer and wrong numbers/incomplete calls on your phone. (Remember the electrical outage that affected nearly the entire western United States several years ago? It was caused by solder ants).

Three known ways to combat this pest are as follows …

Cracks in your phone line insulation, the cause of solder ant infestations, are caused by excess slack in cables between the central office and your home. This slack causes excessive bending of the insulation on your phone lines thus causing cracks thus allowing solder ants to enter. In order to correct this, insist that the phone company pull all the slack out of your lines from the central office end. This is not widely known, but the telephone companies must do this at no charge to the subscriber requesting it. Lobbying by the companies prevented them from having to do this automatically.

Four to six inches from the device (phone, modem, etc.) tie a tight knot in the phone cord to prevent solder ants from exiting to your equipment (Make sure you loosen the knot when the lines are blown out!). This also has the added benefit of preventing lightning from destroying your equipment. It is a known fact that lightning must travel in a straight line and it cannot make it around the bends of a tight knot tied in your phone cord. This is a little known fact that companies such as APC, who make surge suppression equipment, do not want you to know.

Insist that the phone company flush your lines instead of blow them out. Chemicals contained in the flushing solution ward off solder ants and are just as effective in cleaning out your lines. The only problem is that once notified that your lines are to be flushed, you have the responsibility of unplugging all telecom devices and leaving the phone cord ends extended in to some type of bucket to capture the flushing solution. Otherwise the solution will drain all over your equipment and require professional cleaning. An environmental note: Smaller, less well-financed telcos use cheaper, older, more dangerous flushing solutions. The residue left from line flushing must be dealt with the same way you would deal with any petroleum based solvent. The easiest way to get around this is to insist that your telephone company use environmentally friendly subscriber line flushing solvents.

Warning: Do not attempt to blow out the lines yourself or try to look into a line that is being blown clean. You could destroy your phone equipment or injure yourself. It is best left to the experts. I have been in the telephone business for twenty-two years. I know what I am talking about!

*THE FOLLOWING BIT IS PROUDLY SPONSORED BY W. SHAKESPEARE INTERNATIONAL PLC*

He jests at scars that never felt a wound.

But soft! What light through yonder window breaks?

WHAT?

It is the east, and Juliet is the sun.

WHO THE HELL ARE YOU?

Arise, fair sun, and kill the envious moon

ITS THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!

Who is already sick and pale with grief

WILL YOU PISS OFF – WERE TRYING TO SLEEP

That thou, her maid, art far more fair than she

IM WARNING YOU, IF YOU DONT SHUT UP…

Be not her maid, since she is envious.

IM GONNA COME DOWN THERE, AND SMASH YOUR BLOODY FACE IN

Her vestal livery is but sick and green

WILL YOU PUT A BLOODY SOCK IN IT?

And none but fools do wear it: cast it off

IM GOING TO CAST YOU RIGHT OFF THIS BALCONY IF YOURE NOT CAREFUL

It is my lady, O it is my love

LOOK, ONE MORE STANZA OUT OF YOU AND ILL CALL THE POLICE

O that she knew she were

HELLO, POLICE?

She speaks, yet she says nothing. What of that?

THERES THIS BLOKE OUTSIDE

Her eye discourses: I will answer it.

HES BABBLING ABOUT SOMETHING OR OTHER… SOME GIRL HE GOT INTO TROUBLE

I am too bold: tis not to me she speaks.

PROBABLY A STUDENT – YES… HIGH AS A KITE NO DOUBT, OR DRUNK LIKE THEY ALL ARE

Two of the fairest stars in all the heaven,

WELL, HES GOING ON ABOUT STARS IN THE HEAVENS OR SOMETHING

Having some business, do entreat her eyes

THANK YOU OFFICER.

To twinkle in their spheres till they return.

RIGHT! THE POLICE ARE COMING. NOW WILL YOU SHUT UP?

What if her eyes were there, they in her head?

SHUT THE F*** UP!

The brightness of her cheek would shame those stars

OH GOOD. HERE THEY COME.

As daylight doth a lamp; her eyes in heaven

RIGHT, WHAT SEEMS TO BE THE PROBLEM

Would through the airy region stream so bright

WOULD YOU MIND KEEPING THE NOISE DOWN, SIR?

That birds would sing and think it were not night

WELL IM AFRAID IT IS NIGHT SIR, SO COULD YOU BE A BIT QUIETER?

See how she leans her cheek upon her hand!

OR I SHALL HAVE TO ASK YOU TO ACCOMPANY ME TO THE STATION

O that I were a glove upon that hand,

RIGHT SONNY, THATS ABOUT ENOUGH OF THAT

That I might touch that cheek

YOURE UNDER ARREST FOR A BREACH OF THE PEACE

Let go of me arm, pig!

Coming up soon…

– Romeo and Juliet – A Court Case

– we ask the question – just what compensation did Lady Macbeth receive?

– And we follow Richard the Third in his search for a chiropractor.

From The Toxic Custard Workshop Files, Number 19

Could our relationship be more physical? Im tired of just being friends.
Go ahead and leave the seat up, its easier for me to douche that way.
I think hairy butts are really sexy.
Hey, get a whiff of that one.
Please dont throw that old t-shirt away, the holes in the armpit are just too cute.
This diamond is way too big.
I wont even put my lips on that thing unless I get to swallow.
Wow, it really is 14 inches!
Does this make my butt look too small?
Im wrong, you must be right again.
I think belching is really sexy.
Sure, Id love for us to have three-way sex with my best friend.
Why dont you go out with your friends to see the strippers tonight?
I could never be with any other man, but I dont mind at all if you see other women.
I insist that you always put your mother before me.
I love a good cigar after sex.
I think we should spend our life savings and buy a big, old bass boat.
Move over, Im driving. I love city traffic.
The smell of oil and gas makes me horny. Lets do it on the workbench.
That porn star Dixie Dynamite sounds like one heads-up chick. I wish I could meet her one day.
Its so romantic when you pull out and cum on my back.
Lets skip that stage show with Mel Gibson and go watch the Tyson fight at a bar.
Hey, we didnt have sex last night!
That shirt doesnt smell bad enough to need washing. Wear it again today.
Your buddies tell the best stories. I could listen to them all day.
I understand.
You dont swear enough.
I love it when you finger me while you drive.
Lets stay at that dirty, old motel on the highway. Its cheaper and we can spend the money we save on beer.
Dont fix the toilet, Ill just keep going in the bushes outside.
Sure, you can wear your old work boots at our wedding. They go with anything.
I think Ill call him up and ask him out.
Sleeping with all the guys on the softball team doesnt make that girl a slut! Shes just really friendly.
I farted again. Lift the covers so we can smell it.
Dont dirty a knife or fork, eat with your hands like me.
Oh yeah, any hole you want.

Q: Did you hear about the well endowed stripper?

A: When she ran off the stage, she started hear own applause.

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102.

Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old.

The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly.

The old-timer says, Look at me. Im old and worn out.

Youd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley.

I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France.

The new man asked, What happened?

One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!

Q: How many egotists does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: One. He holds onto the lightbulb, and waits for the world to revolve around him.

A guy walks into a store. He goes up to the clerk and holds up his hand. In his hand hes holding a big pile of crap. He looks at the clerk with the biggest expression of relief and says, Whew, that was close. Look what I almost stepped in.

¡Auxilio, socorro, llamen a los bomberooos… se quema nuestra casaaaaa!

¡Shhh!… silencio mi amor, no hagas ruido que vas a despertar a tu madre.