The top 10 inventions by Blondes:
1) The water-proof towel
2) Solar powered flashlight
3) Submarine screen door
4) A book on how to read
5) Inflatable dart board
6) A dictionary index
7) Ejector seat in a helicopter
8) Powdered water
9) Pedal-powered wheel chair
10) Water-proof tea bag
Time-Life has been running a commercial recently hawking its book series
Mysteries of the Unknown. At one point in this commercial the narrator
describes an event at Stonehenge where a person was grabbed by a terrifying
unseen force and held suspended in the air. I dont know about you, but
where Im from, this is better known as a wedgie.
An English professor wrote the following sentence on the blackboard and asked the students to add correct punctuation: woman without her man is a savage
The men wrote: Woman, without her man, is a savage.
The women wrote: Woman: without her, man is a savage.
The Lord spoke to Noah and said, Noah, in six months I am going to make it rain until the whole world is covered with water and all the evil things are destroyed. But, I want to save a few good people and two of every living thing on the planet. I am ordering you to build an ark. And, in a flash of lightning, he delivered the specifications for the ark.
OK, Noah said, trembling with fear and fumbling with the blueprints, Im your man.
Six months and it starts to rain, thundered the Lord. You better have my ark completed or learn to swim for a long, long time!
Six months passed, the sky began to cloud up, and the rain began to fall in torrents. The Lord looked down and saw Noah sitting in his yard, weeping, and there was no ark.
Noah! shouted the Lord, where is My ark? A lightning bolt crashed into the ground right beside Noah.
Lord, please forgive me! begged Noah. I did my best, but there were some big problems. First, I had to get a building permit for the arksconstruction, but your plans did not meet their code. So, I had to hire an engineer to redo the plans, only to get into a long argument with him about whether to include a fire-sprinkler system.
My neighbors objected, claiming that I was violating zoning ordinances by building the ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning board.
Then, I had a big problem getting enough wood for the ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists and the Ministry of Natural Resources that I needed the wood to save the owls, but they wouldnt let me catch them, so no owls.
Next, I started gathering up the animals but got sued by an animal rights group that objected to me taking along only two of each kind.
Just when the suit got dismissed, Environment Canada notified me that I couldnt complete the ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didnt take kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being.
Then, the Conservation Authority wanted a map of the proposed flood plan. I sent them a globe!
Right now, Im still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission over how many minorities Im supposed to hire.
Revenue Canada has seized all my assets claiming that I am trying to leave the country, and I just got a notice from the province that I owe some kind of use tax. Really, I dont think I can finish the ark in less than five years.
With that, the sky cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow arched across the sky.
Noah looked up and smiled. You mean you are not going to destroy the world? he asked hopefully.
No, said the Lord, the government already has!
The Roto Rooter:
Their tongue ventures so far down your throat that it actually begins to choke you.
The Rooster:
They begin to kiss you, then suddenly pull way … lean forward, then draw back!
The Swordfish:
They operate their tongue much like a swordfish uses its snout, in a blunt and violent manner.
The Grouper:
As they kiss you, their lips (which could require their own zip code) completely engulf yours.
The Deep Sea Diver:
They rarely come up for air.
The Lizard:
Their tongue darts in and out of your mouth like a reptile probing for its next victim.
Frozen in Time:
They never change the position, posture or angle of their head. It is as if they have mastered kissing cryogenics.
The Squid:
They seem to excrete an awful flavor. All you can think of is how to slip them a breath mint.
The Wrecking Ball:
They kiss like a battering ram. Whoa, look out, here they come again!
Nick-o-Teen:
Kissing them is like licking the contents of a dirty ash tray. When youre done, you feel like taking a shower.
You might be a redneck if…
An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.
(Brad, granted this is old, but I hadnt heard it in a while and smirked at it:)
A farmer decides that his 3 sows should be bred, and contacts his buddy
down the road, who owns 3 male pigs. They agree on a stud fee, and the
farmer puts the sows in his pickup and brings them down the road to the
males. He leaves them all day, and when he picks them up that night, asks
the man how he can tell if it took or not. The breeder replies that
if, the next morning, the sows were grazing on grass, they were pregnant,
but if they were rolling in the mud as usual, they probably werent …
Comes the morn, the sows are rolling in the mud as usual, so the farmer
puts them in the truck and brings them back for a second full day of
frolic. This continues for a week, since each morning the sows are
rolling in the mud.
About the sixth day, the farmer wakes up and tells his wife, I dont
have the heart to look again. This is getting ridiculous, AND expensive.
You check today. With that, the wife peeks out the bedroom window and
starts to laugh.
What is it? asks the farmer excitedly. Are they grazing at last?
Nope. says the wife. Two of them are jumping up and down in the back
of your truck, and the other one is honking the horn!
Steven Swinkels
Amdahl Corporation
A man with a bad stomach complaint sees his family doctor and asks what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted into the back passage.
The man agrees, although reluctantly. The doctor warns the man to expect some discomfort, and then asks him to bend over. The doctor then shoves the thing into his behind. The man experiences some minor discomfort but endures the pain.
Afterwards, the doctor hands the man a second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours, using rubber gloves and some KY-Jelly.
Later that evening, the man tries to insert the second suppository. Sure enough, he cant reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. He calls his wife over and explains what she has to do.
The wife nods and puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him. She uses her free hand to shove the medicine home. The man suddenly screams in horror.
Whats the matter? asks his wife. Did I hurt you?
No, but I just realized that the doctor had BOTH hands on my shoulders.
Little Harold was practicing the violin in the living room while his father was trying to read in the den. The family dog was lying in the den, and as the screeching sounds of little Harolds violin reached his ears, he began to howl loudly.
The father listened to the dog and the violin as long as he could. Then he jumped up, slammed his paper to the floor and yelled above the noise, For pitys sake, cant you play something the dog doesnt know?
If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
Whats another word for thesaurus?
What would we have called the color orange if it wasnt a fruit?
After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?