Old and New Jokes

Un joven va a visitar a su Abuelo de 85 años al hospital.

¿Cómo estas, Abuelo?

De maravillas.

¿Qué tal la comida?

Exquisita. Los menús son excelentes.

¿Y las enfermeras?

No podían ser mejores. ¡Estas jóvenes lo atienden a uno de maravillas!

¿Y de noche, duermes bien?

Ningún problema. Nueve horas seguidas cada noche. A las 10 me traen una taza de chocolate y una pastilla de Viagra, y con eso me apago como una lámpara hasta el día siguiente.

El nieto, extrañado y un poco alarmado, se dirige a la enfermera jefe y le dice ¿Qué están tratando de hacer? ¡Me dicen que le están dando diariamente viagra a un anciano de 85 años!

¡Seguramente no puede ser cierto!

¡Oh sí! Le contesta la enfermera, Todas las noches a las 10 le damos una taza de chocolate y una pastilla de viagra. Funciona increíblemente bien. ¡El chocolate lo pone a dormir y la viagra evita que se ruede de la cama!

Estaba una pareja de gays Raúl y Jorge. Un día Raul se encontraba solo y sonó el teléfono y cuando contesta, le preguntan: ¿se encuentra Jorge?

Entonces el responde: ¡Ay no, no se encuentra! ¿quien lo busca?

La voz al teléfono responde: ¡Mira, soy una prima de Jorge, llamaba para avisarle que su abuelita ha fallecido. Pero por favor cuando le vaya a dar la noticia procure que sea lo más delicadamente posible, ya que él la quería mucho y va a ser muy duro para él.

Al rato llega Jorge y como no queriendo Raúl se le acerca y le dice:

¡Oye mana!, ¿quien preferirías que se muriera primero, tu abuelita o mi abuelita?

Jorge, sorprendido, le responde:

¡Ay, tonta, claro que tu abuela!

Y Raúl muy enojado le dice:

¡Ay, pues ahora por gacha y por méndiga se murió tu abuela!

Un día está Batman limpiando el batimovil y llega Robin a la baticueva y le dice a Batman:

Batman, dame un besito.

Ven aca Robin, ¿qué es lo que tu me estás diciendo?

Que me des un besito.

Robin deja tu frecura que yo no soy maricón.

Batman, no seas malo dame un besito.

Robin coño que yo no soy maricón.

Batman, mira, no me vengas con cuentos, que anoche cuando salimos de la fiesta de La Mujer Maravilla, que salimos medio borrachos, nos montamos en el batimovil, tu ibas a manejar, y pusiste la primera, brung brung… pusiste la segunda, pusiste la reversa, volviste a poner la primera, la segunda, la tercera, frenabas, ponías la primera, la segunda, la tercera, volvías a frenar y volvías hasta que llegamos a la baticueva.

Sí ¿y qué?

Coño, Batman, no me vengas con cuentos, que tu sabes que el batimovil es automático.

Rudnickis Nobel Prize Principle: Only someone who understands something absolutely can explain it so no one else can understand it.

Sighting #1:

I was busy writing some computer program for one of my classes and my roommate asked me if he could use my coffee maker. I said, sure. The next thing I hear is, Hey, where do you put the coffee? I turn to see that he has filled the filter basket with water and is (unsuccessfully) trying to keep the water in the basket by plugging the hole at the bottom with his finger. He and the floor are both covered with water.



Sighting #2:

I was at the airport, checking in at the gate, when the airport employee asked, Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge? I said, If it was without my knowledge, how would I know? He smiled and nodded knowingly, Thats why we ask.



Sighting #3:

The stoplight on the corner buzzes when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an intellectually challenged co-worker of mine, when she asked if I knew what the buzzer was for. I explained that it signals to blind people when the light is red. She responded, appalled, What on

earth are blind people doing DRIVING???



Sighting #4:

At a goodbye lunch for an old and dear co-worker who is leaving the company due to rightsizing, our manager spoke up and said, This is fun. We should have lunch like this more often. Not another word was spoken. We just looked at each other like deer staring into the headlights of an approaching truck.



Sighting #5:

I worked with an Induhvidual who plugged her power strip back into itself and for the life of her could not understand why her system would not turn on.



Sighting #6 (a rare double sighting):

A friend had a brilliant idea for saving disk space. He thought if he put all his Microsoft Word documents into a tiny font theyd take up less room. When he told me I was with another friend. She thought it was a good idea too.



Sighting #7 (from Tech Support):

Tech Support:

How much free space do you have on your hard drive?

Induhvidual:

Well, my wife likes to get up there on that Internet, and she downloaded ten hours of free space. Is that enough?



Sighting #8 (from Tech Support):

Induhvidual:

Now what do I do?

Tech Support:

What is the prompt on the screen?

Induhvidual:

Its asking for Enter Your Last Name.

Tech Support:

Okay, so type in your last name.

Induhvidual:

How do you spell that?

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71. Known to friends as Brown-n-Serve, Fresh was an avid gardener and tennis player. Fresh was buried in one of the largest funeral ceremonies in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Aunt Jemima, Betty Crocker, the Hostess Twinkies, and Skippy. The graveside was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew,how much he was kneaded."Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes — conned by those who buttered him up.Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another bun in the oven. The funeral was held at 350 for about 20 minutes.

YODA: Crossing the road makes not a chicken great.
VADER: Because it could not resist the power of the Dark Side.
LUKE: Crossing the road is one thing, this is…. totally different.
LEIA: I dont know… but I have a bad feeling about this.
HAN: Hurry up, colonel sanders, or youre gonna be a permanent resident!
THREEPIO: I am fluent in over six million ways of crossing the road.
ARTOO: beep beep be bop.
BEN: Cross the road, chicken. Let go, chicken. Chicken – trust me.
BOBA FETT: What if the chicken doesnt survive? Hes worth a lot to me!
WEDGE: My scope shows the other side but it looks really far, are you sure you can cross it?
CHEWIE: Gwrrroooooaaaarrrrrrlllllll!
JERJERROD: The chicken is crossing the road? We shall double our efforts.
BIB: Die chicken wanga?
BIGGS: At that speed, will you be able to cross in time?
TARKIN: The regional governors now have direct control over their chickens. Fear will keep those chickens in line.
UNCLE OWEN: I told you to forget it. Your only concern is to cross that road.
AUNT BERU: He cant stay here forever. Most of his friends have already crossed. It means so much to him.
ADMIRAL ACKBAR: All chickens – prepare to cross the road on my mark.
LANDO: Why you slimy, no good, double-crossing chicken!! You got a lot of guts crossing that road, after what you pulled!
EMPEROR: If you will not cross, then you will be destroyed!
JABBA: Bo shuda chicken!
JA-JA: Oo! Icky-icky chicken!
SIO BIBBLE: Crossing the road can mean only one thing; invasion.
DARTH MAUL: At last we will cross the road. At last we will have revenge.

From the New Zealand Dominion Sunday Times, 25th October:

Ill take the 2-stroke penalty, but Ill be damned if I play it where it lies
-Golfer Elaine Johnson, after her shot ricoheted off a tree into her bra.

There was a blonde who was taking her kids to Disney Land. When they were about half way there, the blonde say a sign that said Disney Land Left, so the blonde turned back around and went home

DEAR DIARY….August 12
Moved to our new home in Canada. Its so beautiful here. The
mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow
covering them. October 14
Canada. It is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have
turned all colours and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride
through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so
graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This
must be paradise. I love it here. November 11
Remembrance day. Deer season starts soon. I cant imagine
anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I
love it here. December 2
It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with
white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the
snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball
fight (I won). When the snow plough came by we had to shovel the
driveway again. What a beautiful place. We love Canada. December 12
More snow last night. Couldnt get out of the driveway to get to
work. Its beautiful here but Im exhausted from shoveling.
F***ing snow plough. December 22
More of that white sh** fell last night. I have got blisters on
my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snow plough
hides around the corner until Im done shoveling the driveway.
Asshole.December 25
Merry F***ing Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my
hands on the son-of-a-bitch who drives the snow plough, I swear
Ill kill the bastard. Dont know why they dont use more salt on
the roads to melt the f***ing ice. December 27
More white s*** last night. Been inside for three days now
except for shoveling out the driveway after that snow plough goes
through every time. Cant go anywhere, the cars stuck in a mountain of white,
and its so frigging cold, The weatherman says to expect another 10
inches of the s*** again tonight. Do you know how many