How to cook a Turkey…
– Go buy a turkey
– Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
– Put turkey in the oven
– Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
– Set the degree at 375 ovens
– Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
– Turn oven the on
– Take 4 whisks of drinky
– Turk the bastey
– Whiskey another bottle of get
– Stick a turkey in the thermometer
– Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
– Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
– Take the oven out of the turkey
– Take the oven out of the turkey
– Floor the turkey up off of the pick
– Turk the carvey
– Get yourself another scottle of botch
– Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
– Bless the saying, pass and eat out
11
May
11
May
Q: What did the blonde do when she heard that 90% of accidents occur around the home?
A: She moved.
11
May
With Viagra such a hit, Pfizer is bringing forth a whole line of drugs oriented towards improving the performance of men in todays society.
DIRECTRA – A dose of this drug given to men before leaving on car trips caused 72 percent of them to stop and ask for directions when they got lost, compared to a control group where only 0.2 percent asked for directions.
PROJECTRA – Men given this experimental new drug were far more likely to actually finish a household repair project before starting a new one.
CHILDAGRA – Men taking this drug reported a sudden, overwhelming urge to perform more child-care tasks-especially cleaning up spills and little accidents.
COMPLIMENTRA – In clinical trials, 82 percent of middle-aged men administered this drug noticed that their wives had a new hairstyle. Currently being tested to see if its effects extend to noticing new clothing.
BUYAGRA – Married and otherwise attached men reported a sudden urge to buy their sweeties expensive jewelry and gifts after taking this drug for only two days. Still to be seen: whether the drug can be continued for a period longer than your favorites stores return limit.
NEGA-VIAGRA – Has the exact opposite effect of Viagra. Currently undergoing clinical trials on sitting U.S. presidents.
NEGA-SPORTAGRA – This drug had the strange effect of making men want to turn off televised sports and actually converse with other family members.
CAPAGRA – Caused test subjects to become uncharacteristically fastidious about lowering toilet seats and replacing toothpaste caps. Subjects on higher doses were seen dusting furniture.
PRYAGRA – About to fail its clinical trial, this drug gave men in the test group an irresistible urge to dig into the personal affairs of other people. Note: Apparent over-dose turned three test subjects into special prosecutors.
LIAGRA – This drug causes men to be less than truthful when they are asked about their sexual affairs. Will be available in Regular, Grand Jury and Presidential Strength versions.
11
May
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
1. If one side has one, the other side has to get one.
2. Once launched, they cannot be recalled.
3. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
11
May
Did you read that scientists discovered the actually ingredients in Viagra?
2 % vitamin C, 2% vitamin B, 2% vitamin E, 2% vitamin K, 98% fix a flat!
11
May
The sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor was not very good at it, and uttered a loud F***, missed! each time he missed. The priest tolerated him for a few minutes and couldnt take it anymore.
Do not swear thus, my friend, or God will punish you.
It didnt make a difference, the sailor continued unabated. One after another, the sailor played badly, and followed up with F***, missed!!. Again, the priest said Do not utter such profanities, or God will show you a sign.
It didnt help, and the next stroke missed was followed by a loud F***, missed!!. A bolt of lightning dropped out of the clouds and struck the priest dead.
A voice was heard in the clouds F***, missed!!.
10
May
36 things youll never hear from a Redneck…
1. Ill take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex
2. Duct tape wont fix that.
3. Come to think of it, Ill have a Heineken.
4. We dont keep firearms in this house.
5. You cant feed that to the dog.
6. I thought Graceland was tacky.
7. No kids in the back of the pick-up…its not safe.
8. Professional wresslins fake.
9. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
10. Were vegetarians.
11. Do you think my hair is too big?
12. Ill have grapefruit instead of biscuits and gravy.
13. Honey, these bonsai trees need watering.
14. I dont understand the appeal of NASCAR.
15. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
16. Deer heads detract from the decor.
17. Spitting is such a nasty habit.
18. I just couldnt find a thing at Wal-Mart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.
20. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.
21. The tires on that truck are too big.
22. Ill have the arugula and radicchio salad.
23. Ive got it all on a floppy disk.
24. Unsweetened tea tastes better.
25. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?
26. My fiance is registered at Tiffanys.
27. Ive got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.
28. Shes too old to be wearing that bikini.
29. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?
30. Hey, heres an episode of Hee Haw that we havent seen.
31. I dont have a favorite college football team.
32. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.
33. I believe you cooked those green beans too long.
34. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.
35. Elvis who?
36. Checkmate
10
May
Just when you get going, someone injects a dose of reality with a large needle.
10
May
A man and woman the morning after their honeymoon night were discussing the previous evenings events. The woman says, You are a terrible lover!
The man replies, How can you tell after only 30 seconds?!
10
May
Womens English
YesNo
NoYes
MaybeNo
Im sorry.Youll be sorry.
We needI want
Its your decisionThe correct decision should be obvious by now
Do what you wantYoull pay for this later
We need to talkI need to complain
Sure… go aheadI dont want you to
Im not upsetOf course Im upset, you moron!
Youre … so manlyYou need a shave and you sweat a lot
Youre certainly attentive tonightIs sex all you ever think about?
Be romanticturn out the lights I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenientI want a new house
I want new curtainsand carpeting, and furniture, and wallpaper and …
Hang the picture thereNO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noiseI noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me?Im going to ask for something expensive.
How much do you love me?I did something today youre really not going to like
Ill be ready in a minuteKick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
Is my butt fat?Tell me Im beautiful.
You have to learn to communicateJust agree with me
Are you listening to me!?Too late, youre dead.
Was that the baby?Why dont you get out of bed and walk him until he goes to sleep
Im not yelling!Yes I am yelling because I think this is important.
The answer to Whats wrong?:a) The same old thing Nothing
b) Nothing Everything
c) Everything My PMS is acting up
d) Nothing, really Its just that youre such an asshole
Mens English
Im hungry.Im hungry.
Im sleepy.Im sleepy.
Im tired.Im tired.
Do you want to go to a movie?Id eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?Id eventually like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?Id eventually like to have sex with you.
May I have this dance?Id eventually like to have sex with you.
Nice dress!Nice cleavage!
You look tense, let me give you a massage.I want to fondle you.
Whats wrong?I dont see why you are making such a big deal out of this.
Whats wrong?What meaningless self-inflicted psychological trauma are you going through now?
Whats wrong?I guess sex tonight is out of the question.
Im bored.Do you want to have sex?
I love you.Lets have sex now.
I love you, too.Okay, I said it … wed better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.I liked it better before.
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair.$50 and it doesnt look that much different!
Lets talk.I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then youd like to have sex with me.
Will you marry me?I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys.
(while shopping) I like that one better.Pick any freakin dress and lets go home!