Old and New Jokes

Why didnt anybody hear Helen Keller scream when she fell off of the cliff?
She was wearing mittens.

Murphys Laws Of Parenting…

A child will not spill on a dirty floor.

A lot of time has been wasted arguing over what came first, the chicken or the egg. It was undoubtedly the rooster.

A young child is a noise with dirt on it.

A youth becomes a man when the marks he wants to leave on the world have nothing to do with tires.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Familiarity breeds children.

For adult education, nothing beats children.

God invented mothers because he couldnt be everywhere at once and God invented guilt so mothers could be everywhere at once.

Having children is like having a bowling alley installed in your brain.

Having children will turn you into your parents.

If a child looks like his father, thats heredity; if he looks like a neighbor, thats environment.

If you have trouble getting your childrens attention, just sit down and look comfortable.

Ill-bred children always display their pest manners.

Insanity is inherited; you get it from your kids.

It now costs more to amuse a child than it once did to educate his father.

It rarely occurs to teenagers that the day will come when theyll know as little as their parents.

Money isnt everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth. – actually from Erma Bombeck

One child is often not enough, but two children can be far too many.

Summer vacation is a time when parents realize that teachers are grossly underpaid.

The best thing to spend on your children is time.

The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left.

There are three ways to get things done: do it yourself, hire someone to do it, or forbid your kids to do it.

You can learn many things from children…like how much patience you have.

1. Your Jedi robe is a camouflage color.
2. You have used your light saber to open and cook a can of pork and beans.
3. You think the best use of your light saber is picking your teeth.
4. At least one wing of your X-Wing fighter is primer-colored.
5. There is a blaster rack in the back of your landspeeder.
6. You have bantha horns on the front of your landspeeder.
7. You can easily describe the taste of Ewok.
8. You can find no grammatical errors in the way Yoda talks.
9. You think that the Stormtrooper Elite Guards are just KKK members with really good sheets.
10. A peaceful meditation session is one without gas.
11. You can levitate yourself using a force from within, but not The Force.
12. Your master has said, My finger you will pull..hmmm?
13. You have had an X-wing up on blocks in your yard.
14. You have lost a hand during a light-saber fight because you had to spit.
15. The worst part of spending time on Dagoba is the dadgum skeeters.
16. Wookies are offended by your B.O.
17. You have used The Force to get yourself another beer so you didnt have to wait for a commercial.
18. You have used The Force in conjunction with fishing/bowling.
19. You have used a light saber to clean fish or open a non-twist-off bottle of beer.
20. Your father told you, Shoot, son come on over t the dark side…itll be a hoot.
21. Youve had your R-2 unit use its self-defense electro-shock thingy to light a bar-b-que.

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light,
turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the
cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab
company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house.
The cat they had put out into the yard scoots back into the house. They dont want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. The wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes inside to get the cat. The cat runs upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife doesnt want the driver to know the house will be empty for
the night. She explains to the taxi driver that her husband will be out soon Hes just
going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother. A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab. Sorry I took so long, he says, as they drive
away. Stupid thing was hiding under the
bed. Had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off
so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from
scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into
the back yard! The cabdriver hit a parked car…

When Im born, Im black. When Im sick, Im black. When Im hot, Im black. When Im cold, Im black, When I die, Im black.When youre born, youre pink. When youre sick, youre green. When youre hot, youre red. When youre cold, youre blue. When you die, youre grey.And you call me coloured?

Q: What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?

A: National Dyslexics Association.

A day without fusion is like a day without sunshine.

• You look tired, let me do the clean up.
  

• Of course your mother can stay with us, as long as she likes.
  

• Here honey, you use the remote.
  

• You know, Id like to see her again, but her breasts are just too
  big.
  

• Ooh, Antonio Banderas AND Brad Pitt? Thats one movie I gotta see!
  

• While Im up, can I get you anything?
  

• Sex isnt that important, sometimes I just want to be held.
  

• Aww, forget Monday night football, lets watch Melrose Place.
  

• Hey, let me hold your purse while you try that on.
  

• We never talk anymore.
  

2 differences in english expressions between UK and North America:

In UK, to knock one up means to knock on their door to wake them up. In Canada it means to get someone prengant.

I had fun with that on while visiting UK with some Canadian friends I told a young lady we would come by in the morning to knock her up. Too bad I cant portray the looks on their faces across the Net.

In UK up yours is a drinking toast, I guess it is short for up your glass. Here, up yours is an insult, usually accompanied by a raised middle finger, and means you should insert something up your you-know-what.

You can have lots of fun with that one, but please be careful!

A man, Bob, and his friend Joe went out hunting. This was Joes first time ever hunting, so he was following Bobs lead. Bob saw a small herd of deer and told Joe to stay in the exact spot he was and to be quiet! After a few minutes, Bob heard a loud scream. He ran back and asked Joe what had happened. Joe said “There was this snake and he slittered across my feet, but I never screamed. Then there was this bear that came up to me and snarled, but I never screamed.”
“So then what did make you scream,” Bob asked, exasperated. “Well,” Joe continued, “two squirells crawled up my pants and I overheard them say, ‘Should we take them home or eat em now?’”