Old and New Jokes

15 actual announcements taken from church bulletins:

1. Dont let worry kill you- let the church help.

2. Thursday night- potluck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and dont know it, we have a nursery upstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this morning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. This afternoon there will be a meeting in the south and north ends of the church. Children will be baptized at both ends.

7. Tuesday at 4:00 p.m. there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

8. Wednesday, the ladies Liturgy Society will meet. Mrs. Jones will sing Put me in my little bed accompanied by the pastor.

9. Thursday at 5:00 p.m. there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

10. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

11. The service will close with Little Drops of Water. One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

12. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

13. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

14. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

15. At the evening service tonight the sermon topic will be What is hell? Come early and listen to our choir practice.

This was a story told to us by our chemistry master at school. A female student wished to make some potassium hydroxide solution (aqueous) and decided to throw a large lump of potassium into a bucket of water.

Her professor observed what she was about to do, out of the corner of his eye and hurried towards her, and after confirming this was what she was intending to do, asked her first to stir the water in the bucket for five minutes before adding the potassium.

She was puzzled and ran after him to ask the purpose of this action.

It will give me time to get away said the professor.

20 Things Guys Think Girls Should Know

1. Were not a bunch of barbarians as you think we all are.

2. No matter what YOU say, your ex-boyfriend IS a jerk.

3. We like you to give us hugs and kisses sometimes too.

4. Dont argue with us when we call you beautiful.

5. Dont treat us like garbage – what goes around comes around.

6. We know youre pretty, thats one of the reasons were going out with you.

7. If you really liked us for who we are, you would let us believe that our mustache, beard, or sideburns look cool.

8. We never shave our legs. So Get over it.

9. NEVER ask us if you can put make up on us. Its just wrong.

10. When we tell you that youre not fat, believe us.

11. We absolutely do not care about The Backstreet Boys, NSYNC, Justin Timberlake, or what any other guy looks like for that matter.

12. Just cause you think youre always right, doesnt mean that you dont have to apologize when you do something wrong.

13. You expect us to say and do sweet things for you, but it would be nice if you did the same every once in a while. We like to know that you love us.

14. We cant always be spontaneous, so try to help us make the plans sometimes.

15. Dont ask us to beat up another guy for you, cause you might get what you wish for.

16. Never pretend like you are going to break up with us and laugh when we believe you.

17. If you want us to put the seat down when were done, you should put it up when youre done.

18. Dont tell us how cute your ex-boyfriend was. That doesnt turn us on.

19. Always remember: The way to a guys heart is through his stomach.

20. We know youre not always right, but well pretend like you are anyway.

IF YOU SEND THIS TO:
0-5 people: you will have bad luck

6-10 people: your crush will notice you

10-15 people: your crush will kiss you

15+ people: your crush will fall in love with you!

1. If you think youre fat, you probably are. Dont ask us.

2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If its up – put it down.

3. Dont cut your hair. Ever.

4. Sometimes were not thinking about you. Live with it.

5. Get rid of your cat.

6. Sunday = Sports.

7. Anything you wear is fine – really.

8. Women wearing wonder bras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.

9. You have too many shoes.

10. Crying is blackmail.

11. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints dont work.

12. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.

13. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult than peeing from point-blank range. Were bound to miss sometimes.

14. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers.

15. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

16. Dont fake it. Wed rather be ineffective than deceived.

17. Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument.

18. If you dont dress like the Dawson Creek girls, dont expect us to act like the soap opera guys.

19. If something we said could be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad and angry, we meant the other one.

20. Let us ogle. If we dont look at other women, how can we know how pretty you are?

21. Dont rub the lamp if you dont want the genie to come out.

22. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done – not both.

23. Christopher Columbus didnt need directions and neither do we.

24. You have enough clothes.

25. Nothing says I love you like sex.

Hola, me llamo Chal-li, acabas de ser infectado por el último tipo de virus creado, el virus manual Chal-li. Soy un virus humilde y no me reenvío automáticamente ni borro ningún disco al ser recibido por lo tanto agradecería tu colaboración.

Lo primero que debes hacer es ir a la carpeta de Windows y borrar unos cuantos ficheros, si puede ser que suenen importantes como el win.ini, command.com y alguno otro que se os ocurra.

A continuación reenvíame a todos los nombres de tu libreta de direcciones.

Si quieres darme más fama sería un detalle que por último borraras el disco duro o le prendieras fuego a la CPU.

Muchas gracias por tu atención y te agradezco de antemano tu ayuda.

One who shortens the day by lengthening his night.

Once there was a group of vampire bats that lived in a cave outside of a big city.

One night, one said to a another, “Im so hungry. Im going to go get something.”

“No dont! We have to wait for the others!”

“I dont care.” And off he went.

About 30 minutes later, he came back and was covered in blood.

The other vampire bat asked, “WHOA!! Where did you find all that blood?”

“You really want to see?” asked the bloody one. “Follow me.”

So the first bat leads the other bat to the city and points to a large black building and asks, “Do you see that building?”

“Yes,” came the reply.

To that the first says, “Well, I didnt.”

Walk him and pitch to the rhino.

A Its OK Daddy, Im not hurt.

One way to live together and never have an argument is for both husband and wife to be hard-of-hearing… and to share the same hearing aid.