If you are coasting, youre going downhill.
15
Apr
15
Apr
The sardarni asks her lover, santa dear, if we get engaged, will you give me a ring?.
Sure, replies santa. Whats your phone number.
15
Apr
To all my friends, thanks to you all for sending me chain letters in 2003. This is what happened to me:I stopped drinking Coca Cola after I found out that its good for removing toilet stains.I stopped going to the movies for fear of sitting on a needle infected with AIDS.I smell like a dog since I stopped using deodorants because they cause cancer.I dont leave my car in the parking lot or any other place and sometimes I even have to walk about 7 blocks for fear that someone will drug me with a perfume sample and try to rob me.I also stopped answering the phone for fear that they ask me to dial a stupid number and then I get a phone bill from hell with calls to Uganda, Singapore and Tokyo.I stopped consuming several foods for fear that the hormones they contain may turn me gay. I also stopped eating chicken and hamburgers because they are nothing more than horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers that are bred in a lab so that places like McDonalds can sell their all white meat McNuggets and Big Macs.I also stopped drinking anything out of a can for fear that I will get sick from the rat feces and urine.I think Im turning gay because when I go out, I dont look at any one, no matter how hot he is, for fear that he will take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.I also donated all my savings to the Amy Bruce account. Remember? She was a sick girl who was about to die in the hospital about 7,000 times? Amazing girl! Shes been 7 since 1993!I went bankrupt from bounced checks that I wrote expecting the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL were supposed to send me when I participated in their special e-mail tracking program.My Ericsson phone never arrived. Neither did the passes for a paid vacation to Disneyland or my coupons for free meals at Applebees and Outback.But I am positive that all this is the cause of a stinking chain that I broke or forgot to follow and I got
15
Apr
By P. Van Neikerk, in the Globe & Mail Thursday Feb 25th
Johannesburg S.A.
A total of 918 people applied last year to be reclassified from one
racial group to another under South Africas race classification laws…
…Mr. [Stoffel] Botha said one white had become Cape coloured 69 Cape
coloureds had become white, five Malays had become white, three Indians had
become Cape coloureds, two Cape coloureds had become Indian, and one Malay
had become Indian.
In addition, 133 blacks had become Cape coloureds, one black had become
a Griqua and one Cape coloured had become a Malay.
Among the unsuccessful applicants were four Cape coloureds who wanted to
become Chinese, nine Indians who wanted to become Malays and three blacks
who wanted to be other Asians.
Its funny…I just wish it were a joke.
14
Apr
The following is an actual excerpt from Forbes magazine:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.
Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.
Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.
So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldnt deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.
14
Apr
Angustiado, un anciano acude al médico:
Doctor, fÃjese que mi pene ya no funciona ni con Viagra. ¿Qué me recomienda?
Mire, ahora hay una operación muy buena para eso.
Ah, sÃ, doctor ¿y cuál es esa operación?
En el argot médico se conoce como la operación jarocha: le cortamos el pene y le ponemos panocha.
14
Apr
Dos enanos deciden irse de vacaciones a Las Vegas. En el bar del hotel conocen a dos hermosas mujeres y cada uno la lleva a su cuarto.
El primer enano queda decepcionado porque no consigue alcanzar una erección. Su depresión aumenta por el hecho de que desde el cuarto contiguo escucha gritos de ¡UNO, DOS, TRES… UPA! durante toda la noche.
En la mañana el segundo enano le pregunta al primero, ¿Cómo te fue?
El primero le contesta: Fue algo muy penoso. Simplemente no pude conseguir una erección…
El segundo enano se le queda viendo y le dice:
¿Tu crees que eso es penoso? ¡Yo ni siquiera pude subirme a la cama!
14
Apr
Un individuo llega a un prostÃbulo y grita:
¡Quiero una vieja que lo haga como yo lo quiera hacer!
Ninguna de las mujeres se atrevÃa, asà que vuelve a gritar:
¡Quiero una vieja que lo haga como yo lo quiera hacer!
Por fin sale una de ellas y dice:
Yo mero.
¿Como yo quiera?}
SÃ, como tú lo quieras…
Suben al cuarto y prau, prau, prau hacen el amor. La muchacha extrañada le dice: Qué tuvo de especial.
¿Te acuerdas que te dije que era como yo quisiera?
SÃ, reponde la muchacha.
Pues lo quiero fiadito, fiadito, fiadito…
14
Apr
Estaban en un rÃo varios pescadores y no podÃan sacar nada de pescados y veÃan que una viejita siempre iba y sacaba muchas cubetas llenas de pescados, y entonces le fueron a preguntar cómo hacÃa para sacar tantos pescados.
Y la viejita les contesta:
Pues miren, en la mañana en cuanto me despierto levanto la colcha y veo hacia qué lado tiene el pene mi viejito, y si lo tiene a la derecha pues tiro el anzuelo hacia la derecha, si lo tiene hacia la izquierda pues tiro el anzuelo hacia la izquierda, y eso es todo.
Y un pescador muy preguntón le dice:
Señora y ¿si lo tiene parado?
No mijito, ese dÃa ni loca salgo a pescar.
14
Apr
Star Trek Carols
Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of Let It Snow)
Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,
Unforgiving, cold, and friendless,
But still we must boldly go–
Make it so, make it so, make it so!
William Riker: (to the tune of Deck the Halls)
Heres a vexing Christmas riddle:
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
Why must I play second fiddle?
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
How can I impress Deanna
(Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)
When Im number two banana?
(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)
Wesley Crusher: (to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)
Im at Starfleet Academy,
And Id just like to say
I miss the opportunity
To weekly save the day–
To make things worse, I have to be
In some dumb Christmas play!
Yes, Im bright, though Im just a teenaged boy,
Only a boy,
And the Enterprise was my most favourite toy!
Data: (to the tune of Jingle Bells)
Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,
Jingle all the way!
Oh, what fun it is to ride
In a one-horse open sleigh–
or so I am reliably informed lacking a subjective
and intuitively perceived referent for the term fun,
I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced
by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the–
yes, sir.
Worf: (to be to the tune of White Christmas)
Im dreaming of a dead Pakled,
Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight.
They all think theyve hidden,
But this one didnt,
And Im using him as bait.
Im dreaming of a dead Pakled–
Their mental skills are rather lame.
May your foes die sonless, in shame–
And I hope youre wishing me the same!