* Im out of estrogen. I have a gun. * Guys have feelings, too. But like… who cares? * I dont believe in miracles. I rely on them. * Next mood swing: 6 minutes. * I hate everybody, and youre next. * Please dont make me kill you. * And your point is … * I used to be schizophrenic, but were OK now. * Im busy. Youre ugly. Have a nice day. * Warning: I have an attitude and I know how to use it. * Remember my name – youll be screaming it later. * You KNOW you want me. * Dont worry. Itll only seem kinky the first time. * Of course I dont look busy. . I did it right the first time. * Why do people with closed minds always open their mouths? * Im multitalented: I can talk and annoy you at the same time. * Do NOT start with me. You wont win. * You have the right to remain silent, so please SHUT UP. * All stressed out and no one to choke. * Im one of those bad things that happen to good people. * How can I miss you if you wont go away? * Sorry if I looked interested. Im not. * If we are what we eat, Im fast, cheap and easy. * Nobody knows Im not wearing underwear. * Dont make me mad. Im running out of places to hide the bodies. * Objects Under This Shirt ARE Larger Than They Appear.
ACTUAL PRODUCT INSTRUCTIONS:
ON A HAIRDRYER:
*Do not use while sleeping.
ON A BAG OF FRITOS:
*You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
ON A BAR OF DIAL SOAP:
*Directions: Use like regular soap.
FROZEN DINNER SERVING SUGGESTION:
*Defrost.
ON A HOTEL-PROVIDED SHOWER CAP IN A BOX:
*Fits one head.
ON TESCOS TIRIMISU DESERT:
*Do not turn upside down. (Printed on the bottom of the box.)
ON MARKS & SPENCER BREAD PUDDING:
*Product will be hot after heating.
ON PACKAGING FOR A ROWENTA IRON:
*Do not Iron clothes on body.
ON BOOTS CHILDRENS COUGH MEDICINE:
*Do not drive car or operate machinery.
ON NYTOL (A SLEEP AID):
*Warning: May cause drowsiness.
ON A KOREAN KITCHEN KNIFE:
*Warning: Keep out of children.
ON A STRING OF CHINESE MADE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS:
*For indoor or outdoor use only.
ON A JAPANESE FOOD PROCESSOR:
*Not to be used for the other use.
ON SAINSBURYS PEANUTS:
*Warning: contains nuts
ON AN AMERICAN AIRLINES PACKET OF NUTS:
*Instructions: open packet, eat nuts.
ON A SWEDISH CHAINSAW:
*Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands.
Three women are about to be executed. Ones a brunette, ones a readhead, and ones a blonde.
The guard brings the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!
Suddenly the brunette yells, Earthquake!
Everyone is startled and looks around. In all the confusion, the brunette escapes.
The guard brings the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executions shouts, Ready! Aim!
Suddenly the Redhead yells, Tornado!
Everyone is startled and looks around, and the redhead escapes.
By now the blonde has it all figured out. The guard brings her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, Ready! Aim!
And the blonde yells, Fire!
A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:
- As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You… Mess It Up.
- Better Be Safe Than… Punch A 5th Grader.
- Strike While The… Bug Is Close.
- Its Always Darkest Before… Daylight Savings Time.
- Never Under Estimate The Power Of… Termites.
- You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?
- Dont Bite The Hand That… Looks Dirty.
- No News Is… Impossible.
- A Miss Is As Good As A… Mr.
- You Cant Teach An Old Dog New… Math.
- If You Lie Down With The Dogs, Youll… Stink In The Morning.
- Love All, Trust.. Me
- The Pen Is Mightier Than The… Pigs.
- An Idle Mind Is… The Best Way To Relax.
- Where Theres Smoke, Theres… Pollution.
- Happy The Bride Who… Gets All The Presents!
- A Penny Saved Is… Not Much.
- Twos Company, Threes… The Musketeers.
- Dont Put Off Tomorrow What… You Put On To Go To Bed.
- Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And… You Have To Blow Your Nose.
- None Are So Blind As… Helen Keller.
- Children Should Be Seen And Not… Spanked Or Grounded.
- If At First You Dont Succeed… Get New Batteries.
- You Get Out Of Something What You… See Pictured On The Box.
- When The Blind Leadeth The Blind… Get Out Of The Way.
- There Is No Fool Like… Aunt Eddie.
10. Elevator surfing!
Full name: What you call your child when youre mad at him.
Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though theyre sure youre not raising them right.
Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.
1ª escena un chicle en una moto.
2ª escena el mismo chicle en la misma moto.
3ª escena el mismo chicle en la misma moto.
¿Cuél es el tÃtulo de la obra?
La motochicleta.
Introduction: Why Do We Need Humans?
So youve decided to get yourself a human being. In doing so, youve joined the millions of other cats who have acquired these strange and often frustrating creatures. There will be any number of times, during the course of your association with humans, when you will wonder why you have bothered to grace them with your presence.
Whats so great about humans, anyway? Why not just hang around with other cats? Our greatest philosophers have struggled with this question for centuries, but the answer is actually rather simple:
THEY HAVE OPPOSABLE THUMBS.
Which makes them the perfect tools for such tasks as opening doors, getting the lids off of cat food cans, changing television stations and other activities that we, despite our other obvious advantages, find difficult to do ourselves. True, chimps, orangutans and lemurs also have opposable thumbs, but they are nowhere as easy to train.
How And When to Get Your Humans Attention
Humans often erroneously assume that there are other, more important activities than taking care of your immediate needs, such as conducting business, spending time with their families or even sleeping.
Though this is dreadfully inconvenient, you can make this work to your advantage by pestering your human at the moment it is the busiest. It is usually so flustered that it will do whatever you want it to do, just to get you out of its hair. Not coincidentally, human teenagers follow this same practice.
Here are some tried and true methods of getting your human to do what you want:
Sitting on paper: An oldie but a goodie. If a human has paper in front of it, chances are good its something they assume is more important than you. They will often offer you a snack to lure you away. Establish your supremacy over this wood pulp product at every opportunity. This practice also works well with computer keyboards, remote controls, car keys and small children.
Waking your human at odd hours: A cats golden time is between 3:30 and 4:30 in the morning. If you paw at your humans sleeping face during this time, you have a better than even chance that it will get up and, in an incoherent haze, do exactly what you want. You may actually have to scratch deep sleepers to get their attention; remember to vary the scratch site to keep the human from getting suspicious.
Punishing Your Human Being
Sometimes, despite your best training efforts, your human will stubbornly resist bending to your whim. In these extreme circumstances, you may have to punish your human. Obvious punishments, such as scratching furniture or eating household plants, are likely to backfire; the unsophisticated humans are likely to misinterpret the activities and then try to discipline YOU. Instead, we offer these subtle but nonetheless effective alternatives:
Use the cat box during an important formal dinner.
Stare impassively at your human while it is attempting a romantic interlude.
Stand over an important piece of electronic equipment and feign a hairball attack.
After your human has watched a particularly disturbing horror film, stand by the hall closet and then slowly back away, hissing and yowling.
While your human is sleeping, lie on its face.
Rewarding Your Human:
Should Your Gift Still Be Alive?
The cat world is divided over the etiquette of presenting humans with the thoughtful gift of a recently disembowelled animal. Some believe that humans prefer these gifts already dead, while others maintain that humans enjoy a slowly expiring cricket or rodent just as much as we do, given their jumpy and playful movements in picking the creatures up after theyve been presented.
After much consideration of the human psyche, we recommend the following: cold blooded animals (large insects, frogs, lizards, garden snakes and the occasional earthworm) should be presented dead, while warm blooded animals (birds, rodents, your neighbours Pomeranian) are better still living. When you see the expression on your humans face, youll know its worth it.
How Long Should You Keep Your Human?
You are only obligated to your human for one of your lives. The other eight are up to you. We recommend mixing and matching, though in the end, most humans (at least the ones that are worth living with) are pretty much the same. But what do you expect? Theyre humans, after all. Opposable thumbs will only take you so far.
The Mother Superior in the convent school was chatting with her
young charges and she asked them what they wanted to be when they
grew up.
A twelve-year-old said, I want to be a prostitute.
The Mother Superior fainted dead away on the spot. When they revived
her, she raised her head from the ground and gasped, What did you say?
The young girl shrugged. I said I want to be a prostitute.
A prostitute! the Mother Superior said, Oh, praise sweet Jesus!
And I thought you said you wanted to be a Protestant.
When theres only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasnt you.
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream thats mine.
Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.
Move your desk into the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.
Leave a box in the corner and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.
Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
Ask, Did you feel that?
Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.
When the doors close, announce to the others, Its okay, dont panic, they open again.
Call out group hug, and then enforce it.
Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.