Old and New Jokes

A man is walking down the beach and comes across an old bottle.

He picks it up, pulls out the cork and out pops a genie.

The genie says, Thank you for freeing me from the bottle. In return I will grant you three wishes.

The man says Great! I always dreamed of this and I know exactly what I want.

First, I want one billion dollars in a Swiss bank account.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a piece of paper with account numbers appears in his hand.

He continues, Next, I want a brand new red Ferrari right here.

Poof! There is a flash of light and a bright red brand-new Ferrari appears right next to him.

He continues, Finally, I want to be irresistible to women.

Poof! There is a flash of light and he turns into a box of chocolates.

All those curves, and me with no brakes.



Are your legs tired? Youve been running through my mind all day long.



Bond. James Bond.



Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call my mom and tell I just met the girl of my dreams.



Can I borrow a quarter? I want to call your mother and thank her.



Can I buy you a car?



Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?



Can I flirt with you?



Can I have directions to your heart?



Can I have your phone number? I seem to have lost mine.



Do you believe in love at first sight, or should I walk by again?



Do you have a quarter? My mother told me to call home when I met the girl of my dreams.



Do you know whatd look good on you? Me.



Do you like apples? How about I take you home and screw the hell out of you, howd you like them apples?



Do you sleep on your stomach? Can I?



Do you take it up the ass?



Do you want to go out for a pizza and a screw? What, dont you like pizza?



Forget that. Playing doctor is for kids. Lets play gynecologist.



Hi, do you know why you should masturbate with these two fingers? Because theyre mine.



I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.



Roses are red, violets are blue, I like spaghetti, lets go screw



Screw me if Im wrong, but dont you want to kiss me?



Screw me if Im wrong, but is your name Yolanda?



Sex is a killer, so do you want to die happy?



That shirt looks very becoming on you, but if I were on you, Id be coming too.



Want to screw like bunnies?



I think we must make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels now.

There is an athiest who is walking out in the woods thinking evolution caused all of the beauty of the forest. Well along comes this 7 foot tall grizzley bear. Th e athiest turned around and saw the grizzly and screamed a bloodcurdling scream anruns up the hill. Then the grizzly starts chasing and closing in on him. Well just as the bear got ready to kill him he screamed save me God! Time stopped and a bright light shown in the sky and god said why should I save you after all these years of you teaching others Im not real? The athiest replied, Lord it would be a hypocrocy to ask to be a christian now but could you at least make the bear christian? The Lord said O.K. Time started again and the bear took its paw away and put both together and saidLord thank you for this food I am about to recieve Amen.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

I once wrote a book called How to Keep an Idiot Entertained for Hours. It
went like this: To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the next
sentence. To keep an idiot entertained for hours, read the previous
sentence.” It didn’t sell very well. I thought with the short attention
span of people these days it may have been too long, so I rewrote it. The
2nd edition went: “To keep an idiot busy for hours, re-read this sentence.”
It’s doing pretty good. I have a deal for the sequel. The 3rd edition is
going to go: “Re-read this line.” Now, if I could just find the time to
write it.

Two guys went camping, and after two weeks they thought they needed a break from
each other. So they decided to split up for a few days, and meet up back at the
campsite.

When they returned, the first guy said, I had the most wonderful time! I hiked
for a few miles, and found a beautiful little stream in a valley. There was a
little deer, drinking out of the stream. It was wonderful! I spend the whole
three days there.

Well, thats okay, said the second guy, but check this out. I followed
some train tracks, and found a gorgeous girl, tied to the tracks! I untied her,
and we had the most amazing sex, for three days, in every imaginable position!

Wow! said the first guy, envious. Did she give you oral sex?

No, says the second guy. I couldnt find her head.

This is a specially
formulated diet, designed to help you cope with the stress that builds
up during the day:
BREAKFAST

1 grapefruit

1 slice whole wheat toast

1 cup skim milk
LUNCH

Small portion lean, steamed chicken with a

cup of spinach

1 cup herbal tea

1 chocolate biscuit
AFTERNOON TEA

The rest of the chocolate biscuits in the packet

1 tub of Rocky Road ice cream with Choc-ice topping

1 jar nutella
DINNER

4 bottles of red wine

2 loaves garlic bread

1 family size supreme pizza
LATE NIGHT SNACK

Whole frozen Sara Lee cheesecake (eaten

directly from freezer)

Dear Tech Support,Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed that the new program began making unexpected changes to the accounting software, severely limiting access to wardrobe, flower and jewelry applications that operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalls many other valuable programs such as DinnerDancing 7.5, CruiseShip 2.3, and OperaNight 6.1 and installs new, undesirable programs such as PokerNight 1.3, SaturdayFootball 5.0, Golf 2.4 and ClutterEverywhere 4.5. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and invariably crashes the system. Under no circumstances will it run DiaperChanging 14.1 or HouseCleaning 2.6. Ive tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix Husband 1.0, but this all purpose utility is of only limited effectiveness. Can you help, please!!Sincerely,
XXX Dear XXX,This is a very common problem women complain about, but it is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 with no idea that Boyfriend 5.0 is merely an ENTERTAINMENT package. However, Husband 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and was designed by its creator to run as few applications as possible. Further, you cannot purge Husband 1.0 and return to Boyfriend 5.0, because Husband 1.0 is not designed to do this. Hidden operating files within your system would cause Boyfriend 5.0 to emulate Husband 1.0, so nothing is gained. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program files from the system, once installed. Any new program files can only be installed once per year, as Husband 1.0 has severely limited memory. Error messages are common, and a normal part of Husband 1.0.In desperation to play some of their old time favorite applications, or to get new applications to work, some women have tried to install Boyfriend 6.0, or Husband 2.0. However, these women end up with more problems than encountered with

How do you know when your girlfriends knickers (panties) have been manufactured in the United States?One good yank, and theyre off!

PATIENT: Im in a hospital!? Whey am I in here?

DOCTOR: Youve had an accident involving a train.

PATIENT: What happened?

DOCTOR: Well, Ive got some good news and some bad news. Which would you like to hear first?

PATIENT: Well the bad news first.

DOCTOR: Your legs were injured so badly that we had to amputate both of them.

PATIENT: Thats terrible! Whats the good news?

DOCTOR: Theres a guy in the next ward who made a very good offer on your shoes.