Old and New Jokes

The following is an actual excerpt from Forbes magazine:

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo, and when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole is maintained or even improved by the regular culling of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can operate only as fast as the slowest brain cells through which the electrical signals pass.

Recent epidemiological studies have shown that while excessive intake of alcohol kills off brain cells, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. Thus, regular consumption of beer helps eliminate the weaker cells, constantly making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

The result of this in-depth study verifies and validates the causal link between all-weekend parties and job-related performance. It also explains why, after a few short years of leaving university and getting married, most professionals cannot keep up with the performance of the new graduates.

Only those few that stick to the strict regimen of voracious alcoholic consumption can maintain the intellectual levels that they achieved during their university years.

So, this is a call to arms. As our country is losing its technological edge we should not shudder in our homes. Get back into the bars. Quaff that pint. Your company and country need you to be at your peak, and you shouldnt deny yourself the career that you could have. Take life by the bottle and be all that you can be.

Angustiado, un anciano acude al médico:

Doctor, fíjese que mi pene ya no funciona ni con Viagra. ¿Qué me recomienda?

Mire, ahora hay una operación muy buena para eso.

Ah, sí, doctor ¿y cuál es esa operación?

En el argot médico se conoce como la operación jarocha: le cortamos el pene y le ponemos panocha.

Dos enanos deciden irse de vacaciones a Las Vegas. En el bar del hotel conocen a dos hermosas mujeres y cada uno la lleva a su cuarto.

El primer enano queda decepcionado porque no consigue alcanzar una erección. Su depresión aumenta por el hecho de que desde el cuarto contiguo escucha gritos de ¡UNO, DOS, TRES… UPA! durante toda la noche.

En la mañana el segundo enano le pregunta al primero, ¿Cómo te fue?

El primero le contesta: Fue algo muy penoso. Simplemente no pude conseguir una erección…

El segundo enano se le queda viendo y le dice:

¿Tu crees que eso es penoso? ¡Yo ni siquiera pude subirme a la cama!

Un individuo llega a un prostíbulo y grita:

¡Quiero una vieja que lo haga como yo lo quiera hacer!

Ninguna de las mujeres se atrevía, así que vuelve a gritar:

¡Quiero una vieja que lo haga como yo lo quiera hacer!

Por fin sale una de ellas y dice:

Yo mero.

¿Como yo quiera?}

Sí, como tú lo quieras…

Suben al cuarto y prau, prau, prau hacen el amor. La muchacha extrañada le dice: Qué tuvo de especial.

¿Te acuerdas que te dije que era como yo quisiera?

Sí, reponde la muchacha.

Pues lo quiero fiadito, fiadito, fiadito…

Estaban en un río varios pescadores y no podían sacar nada de pescados y veían que una viejita siempre iba y sacaba muchas cubetas llenas de pescados, y entonces le fueron a preguntar cómo hacía para sacar tantos pescados.

Y la viejita les contesta:

Pues miren, en la mañana en cuanto me despierto levanto la colcha y veo hacia qué lado tiene el pene mi viejito, y si lo tiene a la derecha pues tiro el anzuelo hacia la derecha, si lo tiene hacia la izquierda pues tiro el anzuelo hacia la izquierda, y eso es todo.

Y un pescador muy preguntón le dice:

Señora y ¿si lo tiene parado?

No mijito, ese día ni loca salgo a pescar.

Star Trek Carols



Jean-Luc Picard (to the tune of Let It Snow)

Oh, the vacuum outside is endless,

Unforgiving, cold, and friendless,

But still we must boldly go–

Make it so, make it so, make it so!





William Riker: (to the tune of Deck the Halls)

Heres a vexing Christmas riddle:

(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

Why must I play second fiddle?

(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)

How can I impress Deanna

(Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la la la)

When Im number two banana?

(Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la la)





Wesley Crusher: (to the tune of God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen)

Im at Starfleet Academy,

And Id just like to say

I miss the opportunity

To weekly save the day–

To make things worse, I have to be

In some dumb Christmas play!

Yes, Im bright, though Im just a teenaged boy,

Only a boy,

And the Enterprise was my most favourite toy!





Data: (to the tune of Jingle Bells)

Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells,

Jingle all the way!

Oh, what fun it is to ride

In a one-horse open sleigh–

or so I am reliably informed lacking a subjective

and intuitively perceived referent for the term fun,

I am able only to report the phenomenon as experienced

by others, whose individual perceptions somewhat colour the–

yes, sir.





Worf: (to be to the tune of White Christmas)

Im dreaming of a dead Pakled,

Just like the one in Rec Deck Eight.

They all think theyve hidden,

But this one didnt,

And Im using him as bait.

Im dreaming of a dead Pakled–

Their mental skills are rather lame.

May your foes die sonless, in shame–

And I hope youre wishing me the same!

Three women escaped from prison. One was a redhead, one a brunette, and one a blonde. They ran for miles until they came upon an old barn where they decided to hide in the hayloft and rest. When they climbed up, they found three large gunnysacks and decided to climb into them for camouflage.



About an hour later the sheriff and his deputy came into the barn. The sheriff told his deputy to go up and check out the hayloft. When he got up there the sheriff asked him what he saw and the deputy yelled back, Just three gunnysacks.



The sheriff told him to find out what was in them, so the deputy kicked the first sack, which had the redhead in it. She went, Bow-wow, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a dog in it.



Then he kicked the sack with the brunette in it. She went, Meow, so the deputy told the sheriff there was a cat in it.



Then he kicked the one with the blonde in it, and there was no sound at all. So he kicked it again, and finally the blonde said, Potatoes.

A golfer and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green the golfer had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200.



As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. The golfer set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.



One of his buddies said, That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I cant believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects.



Well, we were married for 25 years!

A mans wife asks him to go to the store to buy some cigarettes. So he walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine. At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her. They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment. After theyve had their fun, he realizes its 3am and says, Oh no, its so late, my wifes going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder? She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home. His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty mad. Where the heck have you been?!?! Well, honey, its like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking woman there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her. Oh yeah? Let me see your hands! She sees his hands are covered with powder and… You damn liar!!! You went bowling again!!!

An office manager had money problems and had to fire an employee, either Jack or Jill… He thought hed fire the employee who came late to work the next morning. Well, both employees came to work very early. Then the manager thought he would catch the first one who took a coffee break. Unfortunately, neither employee took a coffee break. Then the manager decided to see who took the longest lunch break – strangely, neither Jack nor Jill took a lunch break that day, they both ate at their desk. Then the manager thought hed wait and see who would leave work the earliest, and both employees stayed after closing. Jill finally went to the coat rack and the manager went up to her and said, Jill, I have a terrible problem. I dont know whether to lay you or Jack off.

Jill said, Well, youd better jack off, because Im late for my bus.