The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds,
and the pessimist fears this is true.
14
Apr
14
Apr
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on his computer. They had been going at it for days, and God was tired of hearing all of the bickering.Finally God said, "Cool it. I am going to set up a test that will run two hours and I will judge who does the better job."So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away. They moused. They did spreadsheets. They wrote reports. They sent faxes. They sent e-mail. They sent out e-mail with attachments. They downloaded. They did some genealogy reports. They made cards. They did every known job. But ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, the rain poured and, of course, the electricity went off.Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed. The electricity finally flickered back on and each of them restarted their computers.Satan started searching frantically, screaming "Its gone! Its all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!"Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours. Satan observed this and became irate."Wait! He cheated, how did he do it?" God shrugged and said, "Jesus saves."
14
Apr
The US has succeeded in building a computer able to solve any strategic or tactical problem. Military leaders are assembled in front of the new machine and instructed to feed a difficult tactical problem into it. They describe a hypothetical situation to the computer and then ask the pivotal question: Attack or Retreat?
The computer hums away for an hour and then comes up with the answer:
YES.
The generals look at each other, somewhat stupefied. Finally one of them submits a second request to the computer:
YES WHAT?
Instantly the computer responded:
YES SIR.
14
Apr
Twas the night before finals,
And all through the college,
The students were praying
For last minute knowledge.
Most were quite sleepy,
But none touched their beds,
While visions of essays
Danced in their heads.
Out in the taverns,
A few were still drinking,
And hoping that liquor
Would loosen their thinking.
In my own apartment,
I had been pacing,
And dreading exams
I soon would be facing.
My roomate was speechless,
His nose in his books,
And my comments to him
Drew unfriendly looks.
I drained all the coffee,
And brewed a new pot,
No longer caring
That my nerves were shot.
I stared at my notes,
But my thoughts were muddy,
My eyes were ablur,
I just couldnt study.
Some pizza might help,
I said with a shiver,
But each place I called
Refused to deliver.
Id nearly concluded
That life was too cruel,
With futures depending
On grades had in school.
When all of a sudden,
Our door opened wide,
And Patron Saint Put It Off
Ambled inside.
His spirit was careless,
His manner was mellow,
He looked down at me,
And started to bellow:
What kind of student
Would make such a fuss,
To toss back at teachers
What they tossed at us?
On Cliff Notes! On Crib Notes!
On Last Years Exams!
On Wingit and Slingit,
And Last minute crams!
His message delivered,
He vanished from sight,
But we heard him laughing
Outside in the night.
Your teachers have pegged you,
So just do your best,
Happy Finals to All,
And to All, a Good Test!
13
Apr
ONE DAY A BOY WAS TAKING A SHOWER WITH HIS MOTHER AND HE SAYS MOMMY WHAT ARE THOSE? SHE REPLIES..OH THOSE ARE MY HEAD LIGHTSTHE BOY THEN AGAIN ASKS MOMMY WHATS THAT? SHE THEN REPLIES OH THATS MY GARDEN THE BOY SAYS THANKS AND HOPS OUT OF THE SHOWER.
THE NEXT DAY THE BOY TAKES A SHOWER WITH HIS DAD.THE BOT THEN ASKS HIS DAD DADDY WHATS THAT? THE FATHER REPLIES OH THATS MY SNAKETHE BOY SAYS THANKS AND HOPS OUT OF THE SHOWER. THAT NIGHT THE BOY HAD A BAD DREAM SO HE WENT INTO HIS PARENTS ROOM SNEAKS UNDER THE SHEETS AND SAYSMOMMY MOMMY QUICK TURN ON YOUR HEAND LIGHTS THERES A SNAKE IN YOUR GARDEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!
13
Apr
A blonde by the name of Julie was getting pretty desperate for money. So she decided to go to the richer part of town and try to get a job as a handywoman. She rang the doorbell at the first house she came to, and a man answered the door. She asked if there were any odd jobs she could do, and he replied, Well, actually, we need the porch painted-how much do you want? Julie said she felt $50 was fair. He replied, OK, the ladders, paint, and other tools you need are in the garage. When the man closed the door, his wife, who had overheard the conversation asked him, $50?!? Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house? The man replied, She must have, she was standing right on it. About 45 minutes later, the doorbell rings again, and the man is surprised to find Julie there. She tells him that shes done, and states that she even had enough paint to do two coats. As the man is reaching into his wallet to pay her, Julie says, Oh, and by the way, that isnt a Porsche-its a Ferrari.
13
Apr
A goose with a gush.
13
Apr
Former President Bill Clinton is visiting an elementary school and he visits one of the classes (4th grade I believe). They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks Mr. Clinton if he would like to lead the class in the discussion of the word, tragedy. So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy.
One little boy stands up and offers, If my best friend, who lives next door, is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy.
No, says Clinton, that would be an accident.
A little girl raises her hand: If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone involved, that would be a tragedy.
Im afraid not, explains Clinton. Thats what we would call a GREAT LOSS.
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. searches the room. Isnt there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally, way in the back of the room, a small boy raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says, If Air Force One, carrying Mr. & Mrs. Clinton, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, that would be a tragedy.
Fantastic, exclaims Clinton, thats right. And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?
Well, says the boy, because it wouldnt be an accident, and it certainly would be no great loss.
13
Apr
One day the elephant and the ant went to play hide and seek in the
Jungle. It was the elephants turn to seek and he searched high and
low until he came upon a temple in the middle of the Jungle.
Q: Now, how did the elephant know that the ant was inside the Temple?
A: Because the ant left his slippers outside.
2. The ant went to visit the elephant one day. After a nice meal, the
elephant suggested they watch TV.
Q: Why did the ant decline?
A: Because he left his glasses at home.
3. One day the elephant and the ant went biking, when they crashed
into a big truck. The elephant died immediately.
Q: Do you know why the ant survived?
A: Because he was wearing a helmet.
13
Apr
The FDA is considering putting additional warnings on beer and alcohol such as:
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an asshole.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in morning.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your pants.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and or name you cant remember)
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Chuck.
WARNING: consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.