Old and New Jokes

Baseballs all wrong, no one could possibly walk with four balls.

V.P. Dan Quayle thought that Roe vs. Wade is an argument over alternative
ways to cross the Potomac River.

A man on his way home from work at the Pentagon came to a dead halt in traffic and thought to himself, Wow, this traffic seems worse than usual. Nothings even moving. He notices a police officer walking back and forth between the lines of cars so he rolls down his window and asks, Excuse me, Officer, whats the hold up?

The Officer replies, The President just found out Starr has delivered another report to Congress and hes all depressed. He stopped his motorcade in the middle of the Beltway and hes threatening to douse himself in gasoline and set himself on fire. He says his family hates him and he doesnt have the $33.5 million he owes his lawyers.

Im walking around taking up a collection for him.

Oh really?

How much have you collected so far?

Ive got a lot of folks still siphoning; but right now I have about three hundred gallons.

Why are men like blenders?

You need one, but youre not quite sure why.

Ask the following to a Blonde to see if she is a DUMB BLONDE or a smart blonde…yeah right…

1.Who do want to be most like in life:

A.Vanna White

B.Michelle Fiefer

C.Britney Spears

E.None of the Above

2.In a game of Hide-And-Go Seek, do you:

A.Run when you see the seeker

B.Stay hiding until the seeker finds you

C.Run when the seeker sees you

E.Follow the seeker quietly

3.What happens when you get Alzheimers Disease

A.You loose alot of weight

B.Gain weight

C.Get really smart

D.Loose your memory

4.How do you kill a bird:

A.Hit it

B.Throw it off a building

C.Cook it

D.All of the above

5.Whats an important question about pregnancy

A.Is it mine

B.How far along am I

C.Is it a boy or girl

D.What hospital should I go to for delivery

Dont read them this part:

Results:

1.

A=5pts.

B=3pts.

C=2pts.

D=1pt.

2.

A=4

B=5

C=2

D=3

3.

A=4

B=3

C=5

D=1

4.

A=3

B=5

C=4

D=1

5.

A=5

B=1

C=3

D=2

TOTAL:

20 =Official Dumb Blonde; 15-19=Pretty Dumb; 10-14=Not Bad; 9-Smart for a Blonde

Here are some actual exchanges between lawyers and witnesses in the court room. Perhaps they aint so bright after all.

• Now doctor, isnt it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesnt know about it until the next morning?

• The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

• Were you present when your picture was taken?

• Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

  A: No.

  Q: Did you check for blood pressure?

  A: No.

  Q: Did you check for breathing?

  A: No.

  Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

  A: No.

  Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

  A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

  Q: But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?

  A: It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.

• Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

• Did he kill you?

• How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

• You were there until the time you left, is that true?

• How many times have you committed suicide?

• Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

  A: Yes.

  Q: And what were you doing at that time?

• Q: She had three children, right?

  A: Yes.

  Q: How many were boys?

  A: None.

  Q: Were there any girls?

• Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?

  A: Yes.

  Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

• Q: Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didnt you?

  A: I went to Europe, Sir.

  Q: And you took your new wife?

• Q: How was your first marriage terminated?

  A: By death.

  Q: And by whos death was it terminated?

• Q: Can you describe the individual?

  A: He was about medium height and had a beard.

  Q: Was this a male, or a female?

• Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

  A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

• Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?

  A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

• Q: All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

  A: Oral.

• Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

  A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m..

  Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?

  A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

• Q: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

  A: I have been since early childhood.

Q: How did the blonde break her leg playing hockey with the Toronto Maple Leafs?

A: She fell out of the tree.

Rudolf the Bengal reindeer. Copyright Mrs. G.Parry


(To the traditional tune of “Rudolf the red nosed reindeer” and last verse “Santa clause is coming to town”, played on Indian instruments.)

Rudolf the Bengal reindeer, had a very stripy coat.


And if you ever saw him, you would know it’s not a joke.


All of the other reindeer,


Used to laugh and call him names.


They wouldn’t let poor Rudolf,


Join in any reindeer games.

Then one foggy Christmas Eve,


Santa called to say,


Rudolf with your coat so bright,


Won’t you pull my sleigh tonight.

Rudolf the Bengal reindeer


With a very shinny smile.


Knew that his luck was changing,


in a very little while.


Then how the reindeer worried


And they shouted out in fear


Rudolf the Bengal reindeer


He was getting much too near.

A sleigh with presents all aboard


A busy night ahead


Santa thought it very weird


How his Reindeer disappeared.

Rudolf the Bengal reindeer, had a very stripy coat.


And if you ever saw him, you would know its not a joke.


All of the elves and Santa


Knew that Rudolf couldn’t stay


They wouldn’t let poor Rudolf


They all chased him far away.

You’d better watch out


You’d better take care


You’d better not cry


I’m telling you why


Rudolf is coming to town


Grrrrrr.

If conditions are not favorable, bacteria go into a period of adolescence.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

Vegetative propagation is the process by which one individual manufactures another individual by accident.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

A triangle which has an angle of 135 degrees is called an obscene triangle.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

A person should take a bath once in the summer, and not quite so often in the winter.

The hookworm larvae enters the human body through the soul.

When you havent got enough iodine in your blood you get a glacier.

It is a well-known fact that a deceased body harms the mind.

A man went to see a psychiatrist because he was having severe problems with his
sex life. The psychiatrist asked him a lot of questions, but didnt seem to be
getting a clear picture of his problems.

Finally he asked, Do you ever watch your girlfriends face while youre having
sex?

Well, yes, I did once.

Well, how did she look?

Oh boy… she looked very angry!

At this point the psychiatrist felt that he was really getting somewhere and he
said, Well thats very interesting, we must look into this further. Now tell
me, you say that you have only seen your girlfriends face once during sex. That
seems somewhat unusual to me. How did it occur that you saw her face that time?

She was watching us through the window!