Old and New Jokes

The British Navy was sailing along when the First Mate ran up to the Admiral.

He said Sir, their are eight Spanish ships heading for us.

The Admiral told the First Mate to go get his red dress suit for him. The First Mate asked Why?.

The Admiral said So if I get shot, the men wont see the blood and will keep on fighting.

The First Mate ran off to get the suit but came back quickly.

Sir, there are another eighty Spanish ships running us down from the opposite direction!

The Admiral exclaimed, Run and fetch me my brown pants, quickly!

Q: How many Ayatollahs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None-there werent any light bulbs in the 13th century.

A preacher, who shall we say was humor impaired, attended a conference to help encourage and better equip pastors for their ministry.

Among the speakers were many well known and dynamic speakers. One such boldly approached the pulpit and, gathering the entire crowds attention, said, The best years of my life were spent in the arms of a woman that wasnt my wife! The crowd was shocked! He followed up by saying, And that woman was my mother! – The crowd burst into laughter and delivered the rest of his talk, which went over quite well.

The next week, the pastor decided hed give this humor thing a try, and use that joke in his sermon. As he surely approached the pulpit that sunny Sunday, he tried to rehearse the joke in his head. It suddenly seemed a bit foggy to him.

Getting to the microphone he said loudly, The greatest years of my life were spent in the arms of another woman that was not my wife! The congregation inhaled half the air in the room. After standing there for almost 10 seconds in the stunned silence, trying to recall the second half of the joke, the pastor finally blurted out, …and I cant remember who she was!

What do you call a pollock with half a brain?

Gifted

Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. Sid, asked Al, are there any Jews in China?

I dont know, Sid replied. Why dont we ask the waiter?

When the waiter came by, Al asked him, Are there any Chinese Jews?

I dont know sir, let me ask, the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He returned in a few minutes and said, No, sir. No Chinese Jews.

Are you sure? Al asked.

I will check again, sir. the waiter replied and went back to the kitchen.

While he was still gone, Sid said, I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere.

When the waiter returned he said, Sir, no Chinese Jews.

Are you really sure? Al asked again. I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews.

Sir, I ask everyone, the waiter replied exasperated.

We have orange Jews, prune Jews, tomato Jews and grape Jews, but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!

Five Englishmen in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs agent stops them and tells them: Itsa illegal to putta fiva people ina Quattro.

What do you mean its illegal? asked the Englishmen.

Quattro means four replies the Italian official.

Quattro is just the name of the automobile, the Englishmen retort disbelievingly.

Look at the papers: this car is designed to carry 5 persons.

You canta pulla thata one ona me, replies the Italian customs agent.

Quattro means four. You hava fiva people ina your car and you are therefore breakina the law.

The Englishmen replies angrily, You idiot! Call your supervisor over – I want to speak to someone with more intelligence!

Sorry, responds the Italian official, he canta come. Hesa busy with 2 guys in a Uno.

They had been stuck there for a long time and wanted to go home. One day they found a genie who said he would grant them one wish each. The english man said he wanted to go home and in a flash he was gone. The scots man wanted to go home and in a flash he was gone to. The irish man thought for a while and said,Well im going to be a bit lonley here so could I have my two friends back?

Twas the Night before Christmas, and all through the shack
Not a creature was stirrin, cept the lice on muh back.
The Skoal cans wuz nailed to the screen door with care,
With hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there.
The children were sleepin, all snug in their beds,
While visions of tractor pulls danced in their heads.
And Ma in her nightgown all stained with pound cake.
Had just settled down to watch Ricki Lake.When out in the driveway, a loud noise I heard,
I opened the winder to check muh T-bird.
I ran to the door, like Is on a mission,
But I tripped on some parts from muh grannys transmission.The moon shone outside, the hound dog wuz barkin.
Muh daughter werent home yet, she wuz still out parkin.When what to muh whiskey blind eyes should I see
But a Chevy S-10, pulled by eight flyin sheep.
With a fat nasty driver, so disgustin and sick
I said, Shoot Fire! That must be St. Nick!More rapid than X-lax his wooly sheep came
And he belched and he hollered, and he called em by name.Now CLIFFORD! Now VERNON! Now LESTER and ENUS!
On FESTUS! On ELMER! On ROSCOE and CLETUS!From the top of the shack to them there garbage bins
Now Dash Away! Dash Away! Dash Away youins!I heard a loud sound on the roof of muh shack.
Pud down muh beer and went fer muh gun rack.
He fell through the roof, plum killed my dog,
I swear that ole Santa looked just like Boss Hog.He wore a T-shirt, rebel flag on the front,
And his jeans were all bloody from that mornings hunt.
A big nekkid lady tattooed on his arm,
And he wore black boots that hed picked up in Nam.His eyes, how they glazed from too much Wild Turkey.
From the side of his mouth hung a stick of beef jerky.
A scar on his cheek from a fight with the cops.
The veins on his face looked ready to pop.The butt of a Marlboro clung to his lip
He wore a hip pack full of B-B-Q chips.
He had a fat face and a hairy beer belly.
I aint seen one that big since muh e

A man was in a bad accident and was injured. But the only permanent damage he suffered was the loss of both ears, which made him very self-conscious. However, he received a large sum of money from his insurance company. It was always his dream to own his own business, so he went out and purchased a small, but expanding computer firm. But he realized that he had no business knowledge at all, so he decided that he would have to hire someone to run the business. He picked out three top candidates, and interviewed each of them. The last question of the interview was always the same."Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the first candidate."Yes. You have no ears." He quickly eliminated the first candidate."Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the second candidate."Yes. You have no ears." He quickly eliminated the second candidate."Do you notice anything unusual about me?" he asked the third candidate."Yes. Youre wearing contacts."Thinking he had found the man for the job he said, "Thats correct. How did you know?""You cant wear glasses if you dont have ears."