Old and New Jokes

ahz: the things you see with

aig: which come first, the chicken or the aig?

arn: an electrical instrument used to remove wrinkles from clothing.

bawl: what water does at 212 degrees.

bidness: commercial enterprise

bobbycue: a delectable southern sandwich of chopped pork, cole slaw an a fiery sauce.

co-cola: any form/brand of soft drink.

clinics: a tissue

crine: weeping

dawfins: name of the pro football team in Miami.

daints: a more or less formal event in which members of the opposite sex hold each other and move rhythmically to the sound of music.

dayum: an expletive; in other states, a four-letter word.

doc: a condition caused by an absence of light.

ever: each, as in Shes bin crine ever day since JJ run off.

far: combustion

git: to acquire

goff: a game played with clubs and a little white ball.

hep: a cry for assistance, as in HEP! Theres a far!

hoss: a large, solid-hoofed, herbivorous animal.

lectricity: energy for arns, tvs, an other thangs.

liberry: a building where thousands of literary works are kept.

nekkid: to be unclothed.

ole well: a source of petroleum.

own: opposite of awf (see lectricity).

paypuh: what you write on.

shevuhlay: a General Motors car.

spearmint: something scientists do.

stow: establishment where things are sold.

tar: a round inflatable object which sometimes goes flat.

uhmurkin: someone who lives in the united state of uhmurka.

zackly: precisely

A minister told his congregation, Next week I plan to preach

about the sin of lying. To help you understand my sermon, I

want you all to read Mark 17.

The following Sunday, as he prepared to deliver his sermon, the

minister asked for a show of hands. He wanted to know how many

had read Mark 17. Every hand went up. The minister smiled and

said, Mark has only sixteen chapters. I will now proceed with

my sermon on the sin of lying.

An elderly lady did her shopping and, upon return, found four males in her car. She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at them at the top of her voice that she knows how to use it and that she will if required: SO GET OUT OF THE CAR!!!

The four men didnt wait around for a second invitation but got out and ran like mad, whereupon the lady proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and get into the drivers seat.

Small problem, her key wouldnt fit the ignition. Her car was identical, and parked four or five spaces farther down.

She loaded her bags into her car and drove to the police station. The sergeant to whom she told the story nearly tore himself in two with laughter and pointed to the other end of the counter. There stood four pale white males were reporting a car-jacking by a mad elderly white woman.

No charges were filed.

(Thanks to Mary Campbell)

This test only has one question, but its a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally. No one else will know, so you wont be fooling anyone but yourself if you give anything but a truthful answer. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision. Remember, your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please read slowly and thoughtfully, giving due consideration to each line.Heres the situation:You are in Florida; Miami to be specific. There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding. This is a flood of Biblical proportions. You are a photojournalist working for a major newspaper,and youre caught in the middle of this epic disaster.The situation is nearly hopeless. Youre trying to shoot career-making photos. There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing under the water. Nature is unleashing all of its destructive fury.Suddenly you see a man floundering in the water. He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris. You move closer…somehow the man looks familiar. You suddenly realize who it is.Its George W. Bush, President of the United States!!At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take
him under… forever.You have two options–you can save the life of G.W. Bush, or you can
shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize winning photo, documenting the death of one of the worlds most powerful men.So heres the question, and please give an honest answer:
Would you select high contrast color film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Alex!
Alex who?
Alex the questions round here!

A blind man was describing his favorite sport – parachuting. When asked how this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him.

“I am placed in the door and told when to jump. My hand is placed on my release ring for me, and out I go.”

But how do you know when you are going to land? he was asked.

Well, I have a very keen sense of smell and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from the ground, he answered.

But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the ground? he was again asked.

He quickly answered, Oh that? The dogs leash goes slack!

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening that reads:

Dear Wife (thats what he called her): I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him that read as follows:

Dear Husband (thats what she called him): I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old boy toy.

You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 14 many more times than 54 goes into 18.

Un padre estaba muy al tanto de la tecnología, y se compró un equipo para poner penitencias en el confesionario…

Un dia llega un muchacha y se empieza a confesar con el padre, Padre he pecado, fíjese que mi novio me tocó y me gustó padre.

El padre ingresa el dato en su computadora y le sale 2 padres nuestros y 1 avemaría

Sigue la muchacha, Fíjese padre que mi novio me quitó la ropa…

Y el padre vuelve a ingresar el dato y le sale en la pantalla 5 padres nuestros y 10 avemarías.

Pero la muchacha sigue y le dice, Padre, fíjese que mi novio me metió la puntita.

El padre ingresa el dato y la máquina empieza a pitar y chillar ¡beep, peep! ERROR ERROR, y el padre, desesperado, le dice a la muchacha, ¡Hija, ve a que te la metan completa porque esta cosa no trabaja con decimales!

Llega el hijo de Bill Gates y le dice:

Papá, tú que eres un chingón de las computadoras explícame la diferencia entre realidad y realidad virtual.

Está bien hijo, pero primero pregúntale a tu mamá que si por un millón de dólares cogería con el vecino.

¡Pero papá, es mi mamá!

Tú ve y pregúntale eso.

Mamá, mamá, dice mi papa que si por un millón de dólares cogerías con el vecino.

Sí hijo, por un millón sí.

Va corriendo junior y dice, Papá, dice mi mamá que sí cogería con el vecino por un millón.

Bueno, ahora ve y pregúntale a tu hermana que si haría lo mismo y va junior y le pregunta a la hermana y ésta le responde que sí.

Papá, papá, mi hermana también cogería con el vecino por un millón, pero dime que tiene qué ver eso con la realidad y la realidad virtual.

Verás, explica Bill Gates, virtualmente tenemos 2 millones de dolares pero en realidad tenemos 2 putas en la casa.

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest. These are great:



As You Shall Make Your Bed So Shall You… Mess It Up.



Better Be Safe Than… Punch A 5th Grader.



Strike While The… Bug Is Close.



Its Always Darkest Before… Daylight Savings Time.



Never Under Estimate The Power Of… Termites.



You Can Lead A Horse To Water But.. How?



Dont Bite The Hand That… Looks Dirty.



No News Is… Impossible.



A Miss Is As Good As A… Mr.



You Cant Teach An Old Dog New… Math.



If You Lie Down With The Dogs, Youll… Stink In The Morning.



Love All, Trust.. Me



The Pen Is Mightier Than The… Pigs.



An Idle Mind Is… The Best Way To Relax.



Where Theres Smoke, Theres… Pollution.



Happy The Bride Who… Gets All The Presents!



A Penny Saved Is… Not Much.



Twos Company, Threes… The Musketeers.



Dont Put Off Tomorrow What… You Put On To Go To Bed.



Laugh And The Whole World Laughs With You, Cry And… You Have To Blow Your Nose.



None Are So Blind As… Helen Keller.



Children Should Be Seen And Not… Spanked Or Grounded.



If At First You Dont Succeed… Get New Batteries.



You Get Out Of Something What You… See Pictured On The Box.



When The Blind Leadeth The Blind… Get Out Of The Way.



There Is No Fool Like… Aunt Eddie.