Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff." T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff." Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?" The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff." Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Workers Compensation and went home on sick leave.
A preacher and a boy are sitting down when the boy asks him a question. he asks preacher, is god black or white?.
the preacher decides to tease him and replys
both. then the boy asks if he is gay or straight and gets the answer of both. then he asks, preacher, is Micheal Jackson god?
A man and his wife of more than 50 years were rocking back and forth on the front porch. Slowly they rocked in rhythm, as this was their time to spend a few quiet moments and after years of practice they rocked to the same pace.
Suddenly the wife stopped, grabbed her cane, and with a loud and hard WHACK hit her husband across the shins.
His eyes watered and tears ran down his cheeks. When he finally caught his breath he gasped and asked, Whatd you do that fer?
Thats fer fifty years of bad sex, she said.
He nodded his head, but said nothing. Slowly they began to rock again. Again they kept pace. Back and forth, back and forth they rocked, until suddenly the man stopped, and picked up his cane. He reached over and with a loud, sharp WHACK, he hit his wife across the shins.
As soon as her eyes quit watering and she could speak she asked, What was that fer?
That, said her husband as he began to rock again, is fer knowin the difference!
An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurance in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.
Ive just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure! the excited scientist exclaimed.
To which the curator replied, Bring him in. Well check it out.
A week later, the amazed curator called the archaeologist. You were right about both the mummys age and cause of death. How in the world did you know?
Easy. There was a piece of paper in his hand that said, 10,000 Shekels on Goliath.
What is 40 feet long and smells like urine? Line dancing at the nursing home.
Un turista se encuentra paseando por Londonderry, Irlanda del Norte, en una de las temporadas con más terrorismo en esa zona. Total, que va paseando tranquilamente de noche cuando, repentinamente, nota que alguien le agarra por detrás y le aprieta con algo frÃo y metálico en la nuca y le pregunta:
¿Eres protestante o católico?
Asustado, el pobre turista trata de pensar rápidamente en una respuesta aceptando que si fuese un nativo de la zona tal podrÃa adivinar la respuesta correcta por el acento de su agresor, pero su dominio del idioma no llega tan lejos. Desesperado, piensa que también podrÃa ayudarle saber cómo va vestido, pero lo único que puede ver de su atacante es la manga alrededor de su cuello. También, si conociese mejor la ciudad, sabiendo en que barrio está, podrÃa tener alguna pista. Asà que sin tener ni idea de que religión debe decir, el viajero opta por eludir la cuestión y responde:
¡No, soy judÃo!
¡Alabado sea Alá, soy el árabe más afortunado del Ulster!
Two military policemen were chasing a fleeing draftee from The military base.
The draftee ran into the courtyard of a convent where a nun was seated on a round bench beneath a tree quietly reading a book. He said to her quick sister, please hide me I dont want to be Drafted and the MPs are chasing me! She lifted up her skirts and said hide under my skirt.
The two policemen came By and asked if she had seen anyone. She replied no.
After they left she told the young boy to come out all was OK He said you have a nice set of legs for a nun! She replied if you reach up a little farther youll find a set of balls! Im not going to be drafted either!
Knock Knock
Whos there?
Dimension!
Dimension who?
Dimension it!
Republican boys date Democratic girls. They plan to marry Republican girls, but feel theyre entitled to a little fun first.
It was nurse Marys first day on the job and all seemed to be going well until Dr Bryce started yelling loud enough for everyone in the waiting room to hear. Over the course of a half hour or so Dr. Bryce yelled, Typhoid!, Tetanus! and Measles!. Some of the patience were starting to looking at their watches and shift in their seats. Mary became quite concerned about the mental state of her new boss, so she went over to the receptionists desk and discreetly asked, Why is Dr. Bryce behaving like this? To which the receptionist replied, Oh, dont worry about Dr. Bryce, he just likes to call the shots around here.