Old and New Jokes

You can never fall off the floor.

A blonde comes home one day to find her husband banging another woman.

Billy, what are you doing?! she cries.

Billy looks at his lover and says, See. I told you she was stupid.

A frog telephones the Psychic Hotline and is told, You are going to

meet a beautiful young girl who will want to know everything about

you.

The frog says, This is great! Will I meet her at a party, or

what?

No, says the psychic. Next semester in her biology class.

There was a blonde and a brunette on either sides of a river.

The brunette wanted to get to the side the blonde was on so she yelled across how do you get to the other side? to the blonde.

The blonde answered DUH! You ARE on the other side!.

A mother complained to her doctor about her daughters strange eating habits.

All day long she lies in the bed and eats yeast and car wax. What will happen to her?

Eventually, said the doctor, she will rise and shine!

A Sunday School teacher of pre-schoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he asked his class, Where is Jesus today?

Johnny raised his hand and said, Hes in heaven.

Mary was called on and answered, Hes in my heart.

And Robert, waving his hand furiously, blurted out, I know! I know! Hes in our bathroom!!!

Ths whole class got very quiet, looked at the teacher, and waited for a response.

The teacher was completely at a loss for a few very long seconds. He finally gathered his wits and asked Robert how he knew this and Robert said, Well … Every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door, and yells Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!

This young guy comes into the office/wagon of the circus master: I can climb up the center pole and dive off into space, NO NET, land on my head in center ring, and jump up and take a bow. How bout them apples?

How much are you asking for this spectacle? asks the circus master.

Just 200 bucks a show, says the young guy.

I dont know. Ill have to see it first, says the circus master.

The acrobat climbs up, dives off, lands on his head, and jumps up and waves, although a bit wobbly.

OK, for 200 bucks a shot, its a deal, says the circus master.

Oh, no! Not 200! 500! says the acrobat.

What? You said 200!

I know I said 200, but that was before I tried it!

Había una vez dos hermanas mellizas de 85 años, Elda y Pocha, que vivían juntas y fueron víctimas de un robo en su domicilio. Estando en la seccional policial el policía les iba a tomar declaración sobre los hechos ocurridos. Empezó Pocha diciéndole la policía:

¡Nos han robado $1000!

Pero Elda la interrumpe:

¡No te olvides de decirle que nos quisieron envenenar!

No, espere, ya le vamos a tomar declaracion a usted, dijo el policía.

Sigue Pocha:

¡Nos robaron el televisor!

Interrumpe Elda:

¡Decile, decile que nos querían envenenar!

¡Espere un momento por favor! Ya le vamos a tomar declaracion a usted, dijo el policía.

Pocha continua:

¡Nos robaron las joyas!

Otra vez interrumpe Elda:

¡Decile Pocha que nos querían envenenar!

El Policía, cansado ante tantas interrupciones decide escuchar a Elda:

A veeer señora… su declaración…

Y Elda le dice:

¡Si! Nos querían envenenar porque un ladrón le decía al otro a cada rato: ¿qué te parece si a estas dos viejitas les hechamos un POLVITO?