Old and New Jokes

A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after an evening of partying ashore.



As they climbed the gangway, the captain threw up all over himself. Pointing to an apprentice seaman above, him he shouted, Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!



The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.



Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that hed also took a dump in your pants.

Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? -Norma

Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why dont You just keep the ones You have now? -Jane

Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? -Nan

Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? -Neil

Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. -Jane

Dear God, Did you really mean do unto others as they do unto you? Because if you did, then Im going to fix my brother! -Darla

Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. -Joyce

Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend. (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. -Tom L.

Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. -Bruce

Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. -Danny

Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. -Larry

Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big, but not with so much hair all over. -Sam

Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your goodest inventions. -Ruth M.

Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. -Nan

Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, Ill show You my new shoes. -Mickey D.

Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris

Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I am an elderly woman who lives alone. There are no senior centers in my area, and I live on a fixed income. I would love to get out and meet more people, but there seem to be very few options for someone my age. Is there some social outlet I dont know about?

— Lonely In Laramie

Dear Lonely,

Kick it, lick it, watch where I stick it

Face down while I punch your ticket

Ride my king cobra round the world

Wanna do ya girl

Want ya pettin my big black cat

Blackberry jam dont shake like that

If your bootys extra-large, Ill bring the funk

Wanna see some extra luggage in the trunk.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

I am preparing an elegant dinner party for the holidays with approximately 30 guests. Many on the guest list have made special requests regarding next to whom they wish to be seated. Is it my job to accommodate as many requests as possible, or is my time better spent on the other details of the party?

— Baffled In Baldwin

Dear Baffled,

Drop em and shake it, girl, ya wont break it

Leave enough for me to take it

Mix likes to get down and make it

When the girl is large and naked

Talkin bout a booty with meat on the bones

Two scoops of chocolate, hold the cones

Wanna hit your pleasure zone

Mix-A-Lot gonna make you moan.

Dear Sir Mix-A-Lot:

If you ask me, your response to Torn In Tuscaloosa was way off the mark. If her boyfriend doesnt want to get off the couch and start working for a living, hes nothing but a no-good, selfish moocher. That girl should drop him like a hot potato!

— Peeved In Peekskill

Dear Peeved,

Whos afraid of my big bad weenie

Rub it and see if its got a genie

Gonna make disappear this 10-inch zucchini

Just like Houdini

M-I-X to the A-L-O-T rappin

Wanna see yo butt cheeks flappin

Mix want the honeys with the big back doors

So drop them drawers, whores. Unh.

Childrens worst book titles!

You Were an Accident Strangers Have the Best Candy The Little Sissy Who Snitched Some Kittens Can Fly! Getting More Chocolate on Your Face Where Would You Like to Be Buried? Kathy Was So Bad Her Mom Stopped Loving Her The Attention Deficit Disorder Associations Book of Animals of North America-Hey! Lets Go Ride Our Bikes! All Dogs Go to Hell The Kids Guide to Hitchhiking When Mommy and Daddy Dont Know the Answer, They Say God Did It Garfield Gets Feline Leukemia What Is That Dog Doing to That Other Dog? Why Cant Mr. Fork and Ms. Electrical Outlet Be Friends? Bi-Curious George Daddy Drinks Because You Cry You Are Different and Thats Bad Dads New Wife Gerald Pop! Goes The Hamster-And Other Great Microwave Games Testing Homemade Parachutes With Your Household Pets The Hardy Boys, the Barbie Twins, and the Vice Squad Babar Meets the Taxidermist Curious George and the High-Voltage Fence The Boy Who Died from Eating All His Vegetables Start a Real-Estate Empire With the Change From Your Moms Purse The Pop-up Book of Human Anatomy Things Rich Kids Have, But You Never Will The Care Bears Maul Some Campers And Are Shot Dead How to Become The Dominant Military Power In Your Elementary School Controlling the Playground: Respect through Fear

You might be a redneck if…
Youve ever made change in the offering plate.

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system Windows 2000 will be delayed until the second quarter of

1901.

She pulled over so she could watch it turn

La maestra en la escuela de Jaimito:

A ver, mañana me traéis todos un objeto relacionado con la medicina.

Al día siguiente: ¿A ver, Manolito, que has traído?

Pues unas tiritas señorita.

A, muy bien, ¿quien te las ha dado?

Mi mamá.

¿Y qué te ha dicho?

Que sirve para curar las heridas y los golpes.

Muy bien, Manolito. A ver, tu, Jaimito, ¿Que has traído?

Una bombona de oxígeno.

Ahhh, que bien, ¿quien te la ha dado?

Mi abuelito, señorita.

¿Y que te ha dicho?

Joputaaaa, que me ahogoooooo….

Una pareja de negros era dueña de un motel, y cierto día llega una pareja de gringos pidiendo un cuarto.

Pasado un rato, la mujer escucha risas y gritos en el cuarto de los gringos y decide espiar por la chapa de la puerta; entonces observa que la gringa está acostada en la cama y el gringo le tira canicas en la vagina. La negra, asombrada, llama a su marido y le cuenta lo ocurrido. El hombre mira, y ve que ahora el gringo está acostado en la cama y su pareja le tira roscas en el pene, sin fallar un tiro.

El negro, excitado, le dice a la esposa:

¡Mija, vamos a hacer el amor al estilo gringo!

Si mijo, usted baje los cocos mientras yo consigo las llantas.

On a beautiful day like this, its hard to believe anybody can be unhappy; but we will work on it.