Old and New Jokes

Monica Lewinsky went in to a liposuction clinic to have her love handles removed . . .

they removed her ears.

Why did a footballer take a piece of rope onto the pitch?
He was the skipper!

How do hens encourage their football teams?
They egg them on!

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

122. When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, That was your mom. She said shed call back.

Yo mama so fat that Fat Albert turned her down.

A blonde had some goldfish and she did not know how to feed them. So she called her brunette friend, and she showed her how. Once they were done feeding them, the blonde said, Now, what do I give them to drink?

Two avid golfers were sitting in the clubhouse. One said to his friend, Im sorry to hear that your uncle passed away last week. I understand that it was while you two were playing golf, and you carried him all the way back to the clubhouse! That must have been very hard for you, considering he weighed over two hundred pounds.Oh, carrying him wasnt that hard, said his friend, sadly. The difficult part was putting him down … and then having to pick him up again after every stroke.

An Indian dies and goes to Heaven. As is the custom he is met at the pearly gates and taken for a tour. He finally lands in Gods room. In front of God is a huge console with many red lamps.

Every time, his guide tells him, anyone lies on the Earth these lights flash.

Just as they spoke, all the lights on the console beginning to light up like crazy.

The Indian is puzzled. So many lies at the same time? he asks.

Yes, says his guide, there is an election rally in New Delhi.

Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a drunken loser.

Oh really, hmm, didnt know that.

Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. I told him St. Patrick was a loser, and he didnt care. The second Englishman remarked, You just dont know how to set him off…watch and learn. So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was lying, cheating, idiotic, low-life scum!

Oh really, hmm, didnt know that.

Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. Youre right. Hes unshakable!

The third Englishman remarked, Boys, Ill really tick him off… just watch. So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!

Yeah, thats what your buddies were trying to tell me.

THE Y1K CRISIS



Canterbury, England. A.D. 999.



An atmosphere close to panic prevails today throughout Europe as the millennial year 1000 approaches, bringing with it the so-called Y1K Bug, a menace which, until recently, hardly anyone had ever heard of. Prophets of doom are warning that the entire fabric of Western Civilization, based as it now is upon monastic computations, could collapse, and that there is simply not enough time left to fix the problem.



Just how did this disaster-in-the-making ever arise? Why did no one anticipate that a change from a three-digit to a four-digit year would throw into total disarray all liturgical chants and all metrical verse in which any date is mentioned? Every formulaic hymn, prayer, ceremony and incantation dealing with dated events will have to be re-written to accommodate three extra syllables.



All tabular chronologies with three-space year columns, maintained for generations by scribes using carefully hand-ruled lines on vellum sheets, will now have to be converted to four-space columns, at enormous cost. In the meantime, the validity of every official event, from baptisms to burials, from confirmations to coronations, may be called into question.



We should have seen it coming , says Brother Cedric of St. Michael Abbey, here in Canterbury. What worries me most is that THOUSAND contains the word THOU, which occurs in nearly all our prayers, and of course always refers to God. Using it now in the name of the year will seem almost blasphemous, and is bound to cause terrible confusion. Of course, we could always use Latin, but that might be even worse — The Latin word for Thousand is Mile which is the same as the Latin for mile. We wont know whether we are talking about time or distance!



Stonemasons are already reported threatening to demand a proportional pay increase for having to carve an extra numeral in all dates on tombstones, cornerstones and monuments. Together with its inevitable ripple effects, this alone could plunge the hitherto-stable medieval economy into chaos.



A conference of clerics has been called at Winchester to discuss the entire issue, but doomsayers are convinced that the matter is now one of personal survival.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter.

Said and done, the next time God looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.



God got mad and said, You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?



And the man replied, I dont know, my wife told me to stand here