Old and New Jokes

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

164. Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.

A boy was at a public pool. The lifeguard blew his whistle at the boy and yelled, Hey! Dont pee in the pool! The boy replied, But everybody does it! Not from the diving board! shouted the lifeguard.

The first worm says, What kind of day is it?



The other worm says, You know, I dont know, but I was thinking of going up and checking it out.



The first worm says, Thats a good idea. Why dont you do that.



So the second worm starts on his way up through the dirt.



At the same time, two lady golfers are walking along the fairway.



The first one says, Jeez, I gotta wiz.



Her friend says, Well, its very early. Theres nobody else here on the course.



Do it right here. Nobody will know.



The first lady says, You think so? Right here?



Her friend says, Yeah. Why not?



She pulls down her skivvies, and lifts up her little golf dress and she squats.



Shes just about to commence when the worm pokes his head up out of the grass right below her. She lets fly, and forget it, he gets drenched. Hes dripping wet as he goes back down through the dirt. He goes up to the first worm, and hes soaking wet.



The first worm looks at him and says, Oh, its raining, huh?



The second worm says, Not only is it raining, but its raining so hard the stupid birds are building their nests upside-down!

Tommy, Johnny and Harry were standing around bullshitting about how tough their fathers were.

My dad went 12 rounds with Mike Tyson. Lick that! said young Harry.

Well, my dad did two tours of Vietnam and killed 19 men… so lick that! Tommy said.

Thats nothing! declared little Johnny. My dad hasnt wiped his ass in 10 years… so lick that!

One day a kid and his dad go golfing up in Canada. the dad tells his son that if a bear comes along dont run cause a bear can out run any human. so there on the coarese and the dad asked the kid what he should do if a bear came up to him. The son yellsim gonna run like hell the dad says but a bear can out run u. the son saysits not the bear i have to outrun it u.

These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.

114. Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your roommate asks, explain that Its a jungle out there. Get your roommate to bring you food and water.

Wisdom is whats left after weve run out of personal opinions.

Things could be worse; suppose your errors were counted and published every day, like those of a baseball player.

– Sandy

At a bar in New York the man to the Laloos left tells the bartender, Johnnie Walker, Single and the mans companion says, Jack Daniels, Single.
The bartender approaches Laloo and asks, And you sir.
Laloo replies Laloo Yadav, married