Old and New Jokes

Bubba was Alabamas star lineman. He was great at football, but not at academics. The principal was letting it slide until one day he decided that Bubbas grades HAD to be better. They decided to make him take a test. It was only one math problem. Everyone wanted to support Bubba out in the stands, so they held the test in the middle of the football stadium, so everyone could see. His math teacher went out to the center of the field with Bubba. It was test time. The teacher said, Ok, Bubba. What is six plus three?
Bubba sat and thought. Then he said, nine, confidently. But out in the stands, everyone was yelling, Aw, cmon. Give him another chance!

5. Thou shalt check the array bounds of all strings (indeed, all arrays), for surely where thou typest foo someone someday shall type supercalifragilisticexpialidocious.

Q: How many law professors does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: You need 250 just to lobby for the research grant.

Nine signs you are on a No Frill Airline

1. You cant board the plane unless you have the exact change.

2. Before you take off, the stewardess tells you to fasten your Velcro.

3. The Captain asks all the passengers to chip in a little for gas.

4. When they pull the steps away, the plane starts rocking.

5. The Captain yells at the ground crew to get the cows off the runway.

6. You ask the Captain how often their planes crash and he says, Just once.

7. No movie. Dont need one. Your life keeps flashing before your eyes.

8. You see a man with a gun, but hes demanding to be let off the plane.

9. All the planes have both a bathroom and a chapel.

Four married guys go golfing on Sunday. During the 3rd hole the following conversation ensued:

First Guy: Man, you have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out golfing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend.

Second Guy: Thats nothing, I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool.

Third Guy: Man, you both have it easy! I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her.

They continue to play the hole when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word. So they ask him. You havent said anything about what you had to do to be able to come golfing this weekend. Whats the deal?

Fourth Guy: Thats easy! I just set my alarm for 5:30am. When it goes off, I shut off my alarm, give the wife a poke. Golf Course or Intercourse?, I ask. She says, Wear your sweater.

Why are Grandmas so nice?

Theres no kids and no periods.

Instruction Booklet Governing Principle: Instruction booklets are lost by the Goods Delivery Service. If not, they are listed in four languages: Japanese, Thai, Swahili, and Mongol.

From the Booth News Service, December 22, 1988:

Flint, Mich.–Maybe its just because hes an amateur. Or maybe he
harbored a Freudian wish to be caught.

Whatever the reason, police had little trouble tracing a man who
allegedly held up a service station in Flint Township over the weekend. The
robber fled with $70, wearing a high school varsity jacket with his name on
the back. The suspect, 24, was to have been arraigned Monday.

Famous interpretations of Why did the Chicken cross the road?

Bill Clinton:

I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What do you mean by chicken? Could you define chicken, please…

Louis Farrakhan:

The road, you will see, represents the black man.

The chicken crossed the black man in order to trample him down!

Colonel Sanders:

I missed one?

L.A Poliece Department:

Give us five minutes with the chicken, and well find out.

Jerry Falwell:

Because the chicken was gay! isnt it obvious? Cant you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the other side. thats what they call it: the other side. Yes, my friends the chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay too!

Ronald Regan:

What Chicken?

Saddam Hussein:

This was an unprovoked act of rebellion, and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it!

ROBERT DE NIRO: Are you telling me the chicken crossed that road? Is that what youre telling me?

Ernest Hemingway: To die. In the rain.

Marting Luther King, Jr.: I envision a world where all chickens, be they black or white or brown or red or speckled, will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we didnt ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was a historical inevitability.

Captain James T. Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has gone before.

Fox Mulder: You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross before you believe its true?

Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity. How do you feel about your mother?

Bill Gates: We have just released eChicken 2000, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs (only in the proprietary brown_ms.egg format), file your important documents, and balance your chequebook and Internet Explorer is an inextricable part of eChicken.

The CIA: Who told you about the chicken? Did you see the chicken? There was no chicken. Please step into the car, sir.

Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road or did the road move beneath the chicken.

Speech Recognition Software Demo

At a recent Sacramento PC Users Group meeting, a company was demonstrating its latest speech-recognition software. A representative from the company was just about ready to start the demonstration and asked everyone in the room to quiet down.

Just then someone in the back of the room yelled,

Format C: Return.

Someone else chimed in:

Yes, Return

Unfortunately, the software worked…