Old and New Jokes

President Bush calls in the head of the CIA and asks, How come the
Jews know everything before we do?

The CIA chief says, Its simple. The Jews have an expression, Nu, Vus
Tutzuch (English translation: Whats Happening). They just ask each
other and thats how they find out everything.

Impressed, George W. Bush says he personally wants to go undercover to
see how this system works.

So the president gets disguised (the hat, beard, long sideburns etc.)
as an Orthodox Jew, and is secretly flown in an unmarked plane to New
York where he is secretly picked up in an unmarked car and secretly
dropped off in Crown Heights, one of Brooklyns most Jewish
neighborhoods.

As the president stands quietly on a busy street corner, a little old
Jewish man comes shuffling along. Bush approaches him and whispers
Nu, Vus Tutzuch?

The old guy whispers back, Did you hear that Bush is in Brooklyn?

A: Her IQ goes up.

MEGA MORON AWARDS

Kentucky: Two men tried to pull the front off a cash machine by running a chain from the machine to the bumper of their pickup truck. Instead of pulling the front panel off the machine, though, they pulled the bumper off their truck. Scared, they left the scene and drove home. With the chain still attached to the machine. With their bumper still attached to the chain. With their vehicles license plate still attached to the bumper.

Una mujer de 25 años le cuenta a una amiga sobre su matrimonio con un señor de 65.

Es tan caballero: me trae flores todos los días, me regala bombones, me lleva de paseo, fuimos de vacaciones a Hawai, me compra ropa todas las semanas, cine, teatro, cenas en los mejores restaurantes, joyas, etc.

¿Y en la cama?, pregunta la amiga.

En la cama hacemos el tratamiento.

¿Cuál tratamiento?

Él trata y yo miento.

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Haydn!
Haydn who?
Haydn in this cupboard is boring!

Did you hear about the blonde who took an hour to cook Minute Rice?

Did you hear about the blonde who got into the taxi, and the driver kept the Vacant sign up?

Did you hear about the blonde who was an M.D.–Mentally Deficient?

Did you hear about the blonde who thought nitrates was cheaper than day rates?

Did you hear about the blonde who after watching the ballerinas, wondered why they didnt get taller girls?

Did you hear about the blonde who went to a nudist camp for a game of strip poker?

Did you hear about the blonde who brought her cosmetics with her for a make-up exam?

Why arent [ethnic] people blonde?

How dumb do you want them to be?

Copied from Ann Landers Column:

Dear Ann Landers: My next-door neighbor is my dearest friend. Yesterday, over coffee at my kitchen table, she seemed quite upset with her husband, Jerry. It is a well-known fact that he has been running around on her for years, so I asked her if she had ever considered a divorce. She said, Divorce – never. But murder? Yes.

She continued, Last night, I had to use the bathroom in the middle of the night – a common occurrence. I didnt want to turn on the light for fear of waking Jerry, so I groped my way, as I have done many times before. When I reached my destination, I poised myself to be seated and fell right into the bowl. It seems my darling husband, for the millionth time, had left the seat up.

I listened patiently, trying my darnedest not to laugh. I could tell she didnt see anything funny about it. Finally, she said, I wonder what Ann Landers would say. I told her I would write and ask. So, dear Ann, how about it? – Louisville, Ky.

Dear Louisville: Please make sure your neighbor sees this column. I just read about a contraption equipped with intelligent sensors that can tell if the seat is up or down. It sells at hardware stores for $29.99. It is actually a night light that attaches to the bowl and glows red if the seat is up and green if the seat is down.

The people who are marketing this unique item say it is very popular. I have not seen one, but for some married couples, it might be worth the investment.

Note: Ann Landers is a syndicated advise columnist.

A blonde executive was driving by a field one day when she saw a blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a dirt field. She drove over to her and said, Its idiots like you that give blondes a bad name, and if I could swim I would come over there and kick your ass!

Always take the time to smell the roses… and sooner or later youll inhale a bee.

If a motorist cuts you off, just turn the other cheek… nothing gets the message across like a good mooning.

If genius is 1% inspiration and 99% perspiration, I must be sharing elevators with a lot of bright people.

Its always darkest just before dawn…so if youre gonna steal the neighbors newspaper, thats the time to do it.

It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown… and fewer still to ignore someone completely.
Eagles may soar, but weasels dont get sucked up into jet engines.

I believe no problem is so large or so difficult that it cant be blamed on someone else.

If at first you dont succeed, skydiving is not for you.

My father always said laughter is the best medicine, which I guess is why several of us ended up dying of tuberculosis.

It takes a big man to cry.. .but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man.

When Im feeling down I like to whistle… it makes my neighbors dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself.