Old and New Jokes

An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, I need my sex drive lowered.

The doctor, incredulous, says, What?? You want your sex drive _lowered_??

To which the old man replies, Its all in my head; I need it LOWERED!

After an accident, a woman stepped forward and prepared to help the victim. She was asked to step aside by a man who announced, Step back please! Ive had a course in first aid and Im trained in CPR.

The woman watched his procedures for a few moments, then tapped him on the shoulder.

When you get to the part about calling a doctor, she said, Im already here!

The Polish Medical Dictionary: Anti-Body – against everyone Artery – study of paintings Bandages – The Rolling Stones Bacteria – what to do when treatment fails Botulism – tendency to make mistakes Bowel – letters lik A E I O or U Caesarean Section – a district in Rome Cardiology – advanced study of poker playing Cat Scan – searching for ones lost kitty Cauterize – made eye contact with her Colic – sheep dog Coma – punctuation mark Congenital – friendly Cortisone – the local courthouse D & C – where Washington is Dilate – to live long Enema – not a friend Enteritis – a penchant for burglary ER – the things on your head that you hear with Fester – quicker Fibrillate – to tell lies Genes – blue denim slacks Genital – non-Jewish Hangnail – coat hook Hemorrhoid – a male From outer space Herpes – what women do in the Ladies Room Hormones – what a prostitute does when she doesnt get paid ICU – peek-a-boo Impotent – distinguished, well known Inpatient – tired of waiting Labor Pain – hurt at work Medical Staff – a doctors cane Minor Operation – coal digging Morbid – a higher bid Nitrate – cheaper than the Day Rate Node – was aware of Organ transplant – what you do to your piana when you move Organic – organ repairman Outpatient – a person who has fainted Paralyze – two far-fetched stories Pathological – a reasonable way to go Pharmacist – person who makes a living dealing in agriculture Plaster cast – the drunk roadies backstage at a rock concert Post-Operative – a letter carrier Protein – in favor of young people Recovery Room – place to upholster furniture Rectum – what happened to the Corvette Red blood count – Dracula Rheumatic – amorous Saline – where you go on your boyfriends boat Secretion – hiding something Surgery – a reason to get an uninterruptible power supply Sterile solution – not using the elevator during a fire Tablet – a small table Terminal Illness – getting sick at the airport Tibia – country in North Africa Triple bypass – better than a quarterback sneak Tumor – an extra pair Urine – opposite of Youre Out Varicose – nearby Vein – conceited

A woman hired a contractor to repaint the interior of her house. The woman walked the man through the second floor of her home and told him what colors she wanted for each room. As they walked through the first room, the woman said, I think I would like this room in a cream color.

The contractor wrote on his clipboard, walked to the window, opened it and yelled out, Green side up! He then closed the window and continued following the woman to the next room. The woman looked confused, but proceeded with her tour. In this room, I was thinking of an offblue.

Again, the contractor wrote this down, went to the window, opened it and yelled out, Green side up!

This baffled the woman, but she was hesitant to say anything. In the next room, the woman said she would like it painted in a light rose color.

And once more, the contractor opened the window and yelled, Green ide up!

Struck with curiosity, the woman mustered up the nerve to ask, Why do you keep yelling Green side up out my window every time I tell you the color I would like the room?

The contractor replied, Because I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street.

Martha Stewart vs Me…

Marthas way: Stuff a miniature marshmallow in the bottom of a sugar cone to prevent ice cream drips.

My way: Just suck the ice cream out of the bottom of the cone, for Petes sake, you are probably lying on the couch with your feet up eating it anyway.

Marthas way: Use a meat baster to squeeze your pancake batter onto the hot griddle and youll get perfectly shape pancakes every time.

My way: Buy the precooked kind you nuke in the microwave for 30 seconds. The hard part is getting them out of the plastic bag.

Marthas way: To keep potatoes from budding, place an apple in thebag with the potatoes.

My way: Buy Hungry Jack mashed potato mix and keep it in the pantry for up to a year.

Marthas way: To prevent egg shells from cracking, add a pinch of salt to the water before hard boiling.

My way: Who cares if they crack, arent you going to take the shells off anyway?

Marthas way: To get the most juice out of fresh lemons, bring them to room temperature and roll them under your palm against the kitchen counter before squeezing.

My way: Sleep with the lemons in between the mattress and box springs.

Marthas way: To easily remove burnt-on food from your skillet, simply add a drop or two of dish soap and enough water to cover bottom of pan, and bring to a boil on stovetop.

My way: Eat at Chilis every night and avoid cooking.

Marthas way: Spray your Tupperware with nonstick cooking spray before pouring in tomato based sauces and there wont be any stains.

My way: Feed your garbage disposal and there wont be any leftovers.

Marthas way: When a cake recipe calls for flouring the baking pan, use a bit of the dry cake mix instead and there wont be any white mess on the outside of the cake.

My way: Go to the bakery. Theyll even decorate it for you.

Marthas way: If you accidentally over salt a dish while its still cooking, drop in a peeled potato and it will absorb the excess salt for an instant fix me up

My way: If you over salt a dish while you are cooking, thats too damn bad.

My motto: I made it and you will eat it and I dont care how bad it tastes.

Marthas way: Wrap celery in aluminum foil when putting in the refrigerator and it will keep for weeks.

My way: Celery? Never heard of the stuff.

Marthas way: Brush some beaten egg white over pie crust before baking to yield a beautiful glossy finish.

My way: The Mrs. Smith frozen pie directions do not include brushing egg whites over the crust and so I dont do it.

Marthas way: Place a slice of apple inhardened brown sugar to soften it.

My Way: Brown sugar is supposed to be soft?

Marthas way: When boiling corn on the cob, add a pinch of sugar to help bring out the corns natural sweetness.

My Way: The only kind of corn I buy comes in a can.

Marthas way: To determine whether an egg is fresh, immerse it in a pan of cool, salted water. If it sinks, it is fresh, but if it rises to the surface, throw it away.

My way: Eat, cook, or use the egg anyway. If you feel bad later, you will know it wasnt fresh.

Marthas way: Cure for headaches: Take a lime, cut it in half and rub it on your forehead. The throbbing will go away.

My way: Martha, dear, the only reason this works is because you cant rub a lime on your forehead without getting lime juice in your eye, and then the problem isnt the headache anymore, it is because you are now blind.

Marthas way: Dont throw out all that leftover wine. Freeze into ice cubes for future use in casseroles and sauces.

My way: Leftover wine?

Marthas way: If you have a problem opening jars: Try using latex dishwashing gloves. They give a non slip grip that makes opening jars easy.

My way: Go ask the very cute neighbor to do it.

Marthas way: Potatoes will take food stains off your fingers. Just slice and rub raw potato on the stains and rinse with water.

My way: Mashed potatoes will now be replacing the anti-bacterial soap in the handy dispenser next to my sink.

Marthas way: Now look what you can do with Alka Seltzer.

* Clean a toilet. Drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets, wait twenty minutes, brush and flush. The citric acid and effervescent action clean vitreous china.

* Clean a vase. To remove a stain from the bottom of a glass vase or cruet, fill with water and drop in two Alka-Seltzer tablets.

* Polish jewelry. Drop two Alka-Seltzer tablets into a glass of water and immerse the jewelry for two minutes.

* Clean a thermos bottle. Fill the bottle with water, drop in four Alka-Seltzer tablets, and let soak for an hour (or longer, if necessary).

My way: Put your jewelry, vases, and thermos in the toilet. Add some Alka-Seltzer and you have solved a whole bunch of problems at once.

When Bills Congress passes a law, its a joke…but when Hillary tells a joke, it the law.

Un conejo está corriendo por la jungla cuando ve a una jirafa que está liando un churro de mota. El conejo se detiene y se dirige a la jirafa:

Amiga jirafa, no te fumes eso. Mejor ven a correr conmigo… ¡Ya verás que sano es!

La jirafa lo piensa y decide tirar el churro y se va detrás del conejo sude y sude; corre y corre. Los dos están corriendo por la selva, cuando descubren a un elefante a punto de esnifarse una raya de coca. El conejo se acerca al elefante y le reprende:

Amigo elefante, deja de meterte esa porquería y vente a correr con nosotros. ¡Ya verás que bien te vas a sentir!

El elefante lo medita; tira su espejo con la raya y decide seguirlos. Están los tres corriendo como locos cuando, de pronto, se encuentran con un león que está a punto de inyectarse una dosis de heroína. El conejo se detiene y se arrima al león:

Amigo león, deja el pico y ven a correr con nosotros. ¡Ya verás lo bueno que es!

El león se aproxima al conejo y le pone una tremenda paliza que casi lo mata. Los otros animales, escandalizados, le reclaman:

¿Por qué has hecho eso? ¡El conejito sólo quiere ayudarnos!

¡Es que este méndigo conejo me hace correr como loco cada vez que se toma una tacha!

All syllogisms have three parts; therefore this is not a syllogism.

Weinbergs Corollary: An expert is a person who avoids the small errors while sweeping on to the grand fallacy.

What does an [ethnic] call his pet zebra?

Spot!