A young, freshly minted lieutenant was sent to Afghanistan as part of the peace keeping mission. During a briefing on land mines, the captain asked for questions.
Our intrepid soldier raised his hand and asked, If we do happen to step on a mine, Sir, what do we do?
Normal procedure, Lieutenant, is to jump 200 feet in the air and scatter oneself over a wide area.
Un granjero demandó a una empresa de buses por las lesiones que sufrió en un accidente. En el juicio, el abogado de la empresa le pregunta:
¿Acaso no le dijo usted estoy muy bien al policÃa que lo auxilió?
Déjeme explicarle lo que pasó. Yo llevaba a mi yegua en el platón de la camioneta…
¡No le pedà detalles! LimÃtese a responder la pregunta: ¿le dijo usted, sà o no, que estaba muy bien al policÃa que le ayudó?
Como le venÃa diciendo, llevaba a mi yegua en el platón de la camioneta y de pronto apareció un bus de su empresa…
¡Señor juez, estoy tratando de demostrar que esta persona le dijo que estaba muy bien a un policÃa, inmediatamente después del accidente! Ahora, después de varias semanas, él demanda a mi cliente y eso se llama fraude. ¡Por favor, dÃgale que responda la pregunta!
El juez le explica al abogado que está interesado en escuchar la historia del granjero y le pide a este que continúe:
Pues yo llevaba a mi yegua en el platón de la camioneta y de pronto, en un cruce, me topé con un bus que se comió la señal de Pare y me estrelló de lado. Yo quedé paralizado por el golpe y la impresión, pero escuchaba que mi yegua gemÃa como loca, presa del dolor. Unos minutos después, llegó la patrulla de policÃa y un agente se bajó alarmado por los gemidos de mi yegua. El policÃa la examinó y finalmente sacó su arma y le pegó un tiro en medio de los ojos. Luego, vino hasta mà y me dijo: su yegua estaba muy mal y tuve que pegarle un tiro para que no sufriera. ¿Usted cómo se siente?
I thought I would share a transcript of a particularly productive moment in my 9th grade English (sic) class:
We watched the end of Zeferellis Romeo & Juliet today in class. During the scene in which Romeo discovers Juliet, who appears to be dead, lying in the Capulet family crypt, the following discussion occurred:
Julio Baez: Yo, hes gonna jump on her!
Ms. Young: Julio, nowhere on this planet would that be an appropriate thing to say.
Julio: No, Ms. Young! I think hes a hermaphrodite!
Ms. Young: Julio, hes not a hermaphrodite.
Julio: No, Ms. Young! For real! Theres really people who like to have sex with dead people!
Ms. Young: Yes, but theyre not called hermaphrodites, theyre called necrophiliacs.
Julio: (Aside to Felix) Shes so stupid. (To me) No Ms. Young, necrophiliac is when you have that disease where you cant stop bleeding.
At least theyre learning something.
These are intended for entertainment purposes only. We do not advise that you ever do these things to a roommate or yourself.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
A man who had been in a mental institution for some years finally improved to the point where it was thought he might be released. The psychiatrist that ran the institution decided it was better to proceed with caution, and chose to interview him first.
Tell me, said the doctor, if we release you, as we are considering, what do you plan to do with your life?
The inmate said, It would be wonderful to get back to real life, and if I do, I will certainly refrain from making my former mistake. I was a nuclear physicist, you see, and it was the stress of my work in weapons research that helped to put me here. If I am released, I shall limit myself to work in pure theory, where I believe the situation will be less difficult and stressful.
Wonderful, said the psychiatrist.
Or else, continued the patient, I might teach. There is something to be said for dedicating your life to expanding the knowledge of young people.
Definitely, said the psychiatrist.
Then again, I might write. There is always a need for books on science, or I may even write a novel based on my experiences in the psychiatric institution.
Another interesting possibility, agreed the doctor.
And finally, if none of these things appeals to me, I can always continue to be a teakettle.
There were three blokes talking in the pub.
Two of them are talking about the amount of control they have over their wives, while the third bloke remained quiet.
After a while one of the first two turns to the third and says, Well, what about you? What sort of control do you have over your wife?
The third fellow says, Ill tell you. Just the other night my wife came to me on her hands and knees.
The first two blokes were amazed.
What happened then? they asked.
She said, GET OUT FROM UNDER THE BED AND FIGHT LIKE A MAN!
You might be a redneck if…
Red Man sends you a Christmas card.
Their amp.
In a village in South America there was a young man who was what some people
call a Cassanova, good with the ladies. He had all kinds of ladies. He liked
them all, fat ones, short ones, skinny ones, didnt matter. The trouble was that
he had a true love, a virgin that he was saving for his marriage. This
innocent virgin, her name was Mary, did not know anything about sex. Of
course our Tiger of the Village wanted to keep things that way. Well finally
they were married and on the wedding night Mary was very impressed with sex.
She told her new husband that she did not know a man was built that way. What
a wonderful thing men had to please women. Our Tiger did not want to her to
think that all men were the same, so he told her, I tell you something,
Honey, I am the only man in the world with such a thing. She believed him.
The Tiger of the village was a sheep herder and had to go to the hills for
weeks at a time. He had been gone for a couple of weeks when he came back and
began to look for his new bride. When he got to their hut she wasnt there.
He then went down through the village looking for her. Mary, Mary, where are
you? Finally he meets up with her on the street. Mary appears to be very
angry and frustrated. You son-a-bitch, bastard, cabron, desgrasiado, no good
for nothing and begins to hit and fight with him. Hey whoa, whats the
matter baby, what did I do? I didnt do nothing why you mad at me? our tiger
asks.
Mary says, Yeah, you asshole, you know Sancho, the lazy one from across the
street? Well he has one also and she points to his genitals. Our hero thinks
about it, she must have seen this guy taking a leak, shit I can fix this.
Hey Honey, I tell you one something, you know what? Sancho he is my best
friend, I used to have two of them and since Sancho is my friend, I give him
one, he is all smiles and goes over to hug Mary.
Mary is now angrier and begins to clobber the shit out of him. You dumb ass,
pendejo, stupido, ignorante, she yells at him, YOU GAVE HIM THE BEST ONE.
This guy and girl are making out in the back seat of the car, and things
are getting pretty hot and heavy.
Put your finger inside me, she asks, and hes only too happy to oblige.
Put another finger inside me, she orders, moaning in pleasure.
Put your whole hand inside me.
Put both hands indide me.
Now clap.
I cant! the guy protests.
Tight, huh? she smiles.