Old and New Jokes

He does not have a Beer Gut
He has developed a Liquid Grain Storage Facility

He is not a Bad Dancer
He is Overly Caucasian

He does not Get Lost All The Time
He Investigates Alternative Destinations

He is not Balding
He is in Follicle Regression

He is not a Cradle Robber
he prefers Generationally Differential Relationships

He does not get Falling-Down Drunk
He becomes Accidentally Horizontal

He does not act like a Total Ass
He develops a case of Rectal-Cranial Inversion

He is not a Sexmachine
He is Romantically Automated

He is not a Male Chauvinist Pig
He has Swine Empathy

He is not afraid of Commitment
He is Monogamously Challenged

He does not Undress You With His Eyes
He has an Introspective Pornographic Moment

Two drunks had just gotten thrown out of the bar and are walking down the street when they come across this dog, sitting on the curb, licking his balls. They stand there watching and after a while one of them says, I sure wish I could do that!

The other one looks at him and says, Well, I think Id pet him first.

Although Cupid got all the girls hot,

a great lover himself he was not.

They would say, Sorry, sport,

but your arrows too short–

What we want is what Hercules got.

—————

Euphemism is all very well,

but if I really am going to hell,

Id rather it be

for lechery,

not for loving the ladies too well.

————-

Junos measure of fury was full,

but Zeus had a trick he could pull.

He said, Surely, my dear,

whatever you hear

from Europa is all cock and bull.

—————-

Oh a pussys a timorous beast,

needing petting and patience at least,

but shell alter completely,

if handled quite sweetly,

and sit up and roar when shes greased.

why is the sea angry

Morris walks into an insurance office and asks for a job. We dont need anyone, they replied.



You cant afford not to hire me. I can sell anyone, anytime, anything.



Well we have two prospects that no one has been able to sell. If you can sell just one, you have a job. He was gone about two hours, and returned and handed them two checks – one for $25,000.00 and another for $50,000.00.



How in the world did you do that? they asked.



I told you Im the worlds best salesman. I can sell anyone, anywhere, anytime!



Did you get a urine sample? they asked him.



Whats that? he asked.



Well, if you sell a policy over $20,000.00 the company requires a urine sample. Take these two bottles and go back and get urine samples.



Morris was gone about six hours and they were fixing to close when in he walks in with two five gallon buckets, one in each hand. He sets the buckets down, and reaches in his shirt pocket and produces two bottles of urine, and sets them on the desk and says, Heres Mr. Browns and this one is Mr. Smiths.



Thats good, they said, but whats in those two buckets?



Well, I passed by the Holiday Inn and they were having a State Teachers Convention, so I stopped and sold them a group policy!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Rena!
Rena who?
Rena this bell doesnt do any good!

More shit you hate about working at Mickey Ds:

People who pay for their food, and then decide they want no onions.

People who cant see condiments right in front of them, and ask you for them.

People who stare at you while you make their sandwich, as if your going to spit in it.

People who want FRESH fries, theyre only fresh for about ten seconds.

People who ask for a water at the second window while your wrapped around the building.

People who get a water, and then get a friggin drink right in front of you. Come on retards, were watching you.

People who think they can pay for their order with a fuckin check.

People who cant accept the fact that we dont like you.

People who leave theyre god damn trays on their god damn table. I AM NOT YOUR MAMA, SO PICK UP YOUR OWN SHIT!

People who cant take the liner out of their trays. Come on people, give us some help.

People who wish to speak to the manager, and get mad when we ask which one they would like to talk to.

People who think we have a 99 cent menu, it a god damn dollar menu bithces!

People who ask for something that we havent had in months.

People who ask for a sandwich with no meat, its kind of a waste of our time.

People who dont understand the concept of late night menu.

People who ask for breakfast shit in the middle of the day.

People who actually stand outside our doors when beat on the door, hoping to come in a use the bathroom. Youre not getting it!!!

People who order shit from other stores. We dont have Whoppers or Tacos.

People who prank phone call us in the middle of a business rush.

People who dont have enough money, and pull off without their shit.

People who cant wait in line long enough to get their shit, and pull off.

People who actually wait at the entrance, because its so packed, for more than ten minutes, just for some of our food.

More to come

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Louis!
Louis?
Louisn up!

An 80 year old man went to the doctor to ask for a prescription for Viagra. The doctor was a bit taken aback not only by his age but also because he was a widower. He told him he would have to have a physical first to make sure his heart, etc., was up to it.

He checked out OK for a man his age, so the doctor handed him a sample package. Lets just try a couple of pills first and see how well you tolerate it. If it works out Ill write you a prescription.

The old man looked at the pills and said Doc. Dont you have something smaller? All I want is a quarter of a pill.

Sir, you are 80 years old. Trust me on this. You dont want a quarter of a pill. That wont do you any good at all. If you want a satisfactory sexual experience youre going to need a full dose.

Doc, you dont understand. I dont want to have sex. I just want to get the damn thing out there far enough that I can stop peeing on my shoes.

There was a Jew sitting at the side of the road


crying when a friend came along.Whats wrong why are you crying. well I have seen a coach load of Russians go over that cliff. Surely that souldnt make you cry. Normally it wouldnt but there were two empty seats.