Old and New Jokes

A married man had a sweet young thing of a secretary and decided to take her to dinner. He called his wife to tell her that he had to work late and she said, no problem.

After dinner they went back to her apartment and had mad sex for hours. On the way home he noticed a huge hickey on his neck. He fell into a state of panic. What was he going to tell his wife?



He walked in the door and was greeted by his excited and happy dog. Inspired, he fell to the floor and pretended to fight off the affectionate dog.



Holding his neck with one hand he walked into the living room and exclaimed, Honey! Look at what the dog did to my neck!



His wife jumped up, ripped open her blouse and said, Thats nothing, look at what he did to my tits!

Girl who regards a bulge as a curve.

A man went to the market this last week to buy Valentines cards for his daughter and mother. The 50 feet of displays for hundreds of cards astounded him.

He muttered out loud, I wonder if they have cards for ex-spouses.

The clerk behind the counter said, Oh, yes sir, they do have an ex category, but theyre in Sporting Goods.

Really?

Yes sir…theyre called bullets!

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull so that they can breed their own stock. The brunette balances their checkbook, then takes their last $600 dollars out west to another ranch where a man has a prize bull for sale. Upon leaving, she tells her sister,When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, Ill contact you to drive out after me and haul it home. The brunette arrives at the mans ranch, inspects the bull, and decides she does want to buy it. The man tells her that he can sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office, and says, I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that Ive bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pick-up truck and drive out here so we can haul it home. The telegraph operator explains that hell be glad to help her, then adds, Its just 99 cents a word. Well, with only $1 left after paying for the bull, the brunette realizes that shell only be able to send her sister one word. After thinking for a few minutes, she nods, and says, I want you to send her the word, comfortable. The telegraph operator shakes his head. How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pick-up truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her the word, comfortable?" The brunette explains, My sisters blonde. Shell read it slow.

Calling me with a question – $10

Calling me with a stupid question – $20

Calling me with a stupid question you cant quite articulate – $30

Implying Im incompetent because I cant interpret your inarticulate
problem description – $1000 + punitive damages

Questions received via phone without first trying help desk – $10.00

Questions where answer is in TFM – $100.00

Calling me back with the same problem *after* I fix it once – $100

Insisting that youre not breaking the software, the problem is on my
end somehow – $200

Asking me to walk over to your building to fix the problem – $5/step

Asking me to drive to another town to fix your problem – $50/mile + gas

If you interrupt me while I was trying to actually fix somebody elses
problem – $45/hr

If you try to hang around and get me to fix it now – $50/hr

If you expect me to tell you how I fixed it – $60/hr

If youve come to ask me why something isnt working that Im
currently working on – $70/hr

If youre asking me to fix something I fixed for you yesterday – $75/hr

If youre asking me to fix something I told you I fixed yesterday, but
never did fix – $85/hr

If youre asking me to fix a quick patch that I made that didnt
work – $95/hr

If youre bugging me while theres another admin in the room who could
have done it for you – $150/hr

Making me trek to your office to fix your problem then leaving
immediately after hanging up the phone – $1500.00

Calling up with a problem which everybody in the office is having
and which is stopping all work. Not being there when I rush over
to look at it and nobody else in the office knows anything about it.
– $1700.00

Explaining a problem for 1/2 hour over the phone BEFORE mentioning
its your personal machine at home – $500.00

Self-diagnosing your problem and informing me what to do – $150.00

Having me bail you out when you perform your own repairs I told you
not to do – $300.00

Not telling all of your co-workers about it – $850.00

Figuring out you mean floppy drive when you say hard drive – $50.00

BEFORE I order your replacement hard drive – $250.00

Fixing your broken mouse with a mousepad – $25.00

Fixing your broken optical mouse by rotating the mousepad 90 degrees
– $35.00

Fixing a broken mouse by cleaning the rollers – $50.00

Fixing your broken printer with an ink/toner cartridge – $35.00

Fixing your broken ANYTHING with the power button – $250.00

Fixing the crashed system by turning the external disk back on –
$200.00

Fixing the hung system by plugging the ethernet transciever back in –
$375.00

Fixing the crashed nameserver by plugging back in the SCSI cord
someone accidentially yanked out on Friday afternoon when the real
sysadmin has just left for a two week vacation – $400

Visiting your old university and fixing the broken PC by plugging the
monitor lead back in – $50

Explaining that you cant log in to some server because you dont have
an account there – $10

Explaining that you dont have an account on the machine you used to
have an account on because you used it to try to break into the
above server – $500

Forgetting your password after it was tattooed on your index finger –
$25

Changing memory partitions without informing me first – $50

Installing programs without informing me/getting permission first –
$100 per program

Technical support for the above programs – $150 per hour (regardless
of whether I know the program or not)

Spilling coke on keyboard – $25 plus cost of keyboard

Spilling coke on monitor – $50 plus cost of monitor

Spilling coke on CPU – $200 plus cost of motherboard swap plus hourly
rate of $150 per hour spent reinstalling the system

Leaving files on desktop – $5 per file, $10 per day the file is left
unclaimed

Cleaning the mouse with spit and sleeve – $50 plus cost of sleeve plus
cost of therapy

Bringing in your own copy of the original Norton Utilities v1.0 to fix
a brand new machine – $200

Chewing on the end of the graphic tablet stylus – $25

Putting feet up next to workstation after ten mile jog through NYC
streets – $50

Spending 30 minutes trying to figure out what your problem is, and
another 5 explaining how to verify and fix it, only to hear you
say So thats what the little box that popped up on my screen
was telling me to do! – $40

Listening to your network troubles, suggesting that you check to see
if you are plugged into the network jack, hearing yes, trying five
other things, asking you to identify your plug type, listening to
you drag furniture, and hearing a sheepish, Oops. Nevermind. – $35
(including discount for polite apology)

Dealing with tech support requests for obviously pirated software – $25

Dealing with How can I get another copy of [obviously pirated
software]? Mine just died. requests – $45

Having to use the Were really not the best people to talk to about
that; why dont you try calling the number on the box in which you
bought it? line – $55

Actually needing to explain copyright law to you after you failed to
get the hint in the previous response – $95 (includes instructions
for getting freeware replacements from the public file server)

Having to point out anything thats on the wall in a typeface larger
than 18 points – $15

If I wrote the sign – $45

If its in a 144 point font and taped to the side of the monitor
facing the door – $75

Reporting slow connection by passenger pigeon packets to MPEG archive
in Outer Slobavia as a Mosaic/Netscape/Gopher/FTP client problem –
$25.00

Reporting it more than once – $50.00

Reporting it more than once and implying slothfullness on tech
supports inability to solve problem – $200.00

Beeper Prices:

Beeping me when Im out with the significant other – $50

Beeping me when Im out of town and I took pains to insure that help
files were left all over and that diagnostics had been run on all
machines before I left – $100

Beeping me more than once to tell me that the printers offline and
the fix is to press the On Line button – $200

Beeping me more than once while Im asleep – $50 per beep

Beeping me and not identifying yourself within the first 5 seconds –
$25

Beeping me and then changing your story / denying you placed the
call / hoped I would forget who caused the problem – $500

Special Rates:

Dealing with user body odor – $75.00/hour

Dealing with user not familiar with the primary language spoken at
site – $50.00/hour

Dealing with user who is (self-proclaimed) smarter than you are, but
still calls every other day for help – $100.00/hour

Dealing with computer hobbiests – $125.00/hour

Questioning the other prices – $50

A man went to see his Rabbi and said, Rabbi, if I give up drinking, partying all night, chasing the opposite sex and start coming to Synagogue regularly instead, will I live longer?

No, the Rabbi replied, It will just feel longer.

An airplane pilot got engaged to two very pretty women at the same time. One was named Edith; the other named Kate.

They met, discovered they had the same fiancee, and told him: Get out of our lives you rascal.

Well teach you that you cant have your Kate and Edith, too.

One morning, three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women.He passes the first woman, who looks down at his penis. Hes not my husband, she says.He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. Hes not my husband either. She says, also not recognizing the unit.He passes by the third woman, who also looks down as he runs by her. Wait a minute, she says. Hes not even a member of this club.

Q: How many paranoids does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: Just what exactly do you mean by that?

12. Greenpeace wont let you move the car for fear of displacing some dung beetles that have taken up residence.

11. Neighborhood kids offer: Mow your Volvo, sir?

10. Your pine tree air freshener is now a protected old growth forest.

9. Satellite photos reveal crop circles on your roof.

8. Wash Me appears on your trunk — chiseled with a jackhammer.

7. Its impossible to drive with the kids always clamoring to have a look through the periscope.

6. Your cell phone antenna is really a sapling which took root.

5. The kids are convinced that those crumpled old newspapers at the floor of the car are housing varmits.

4. Visits to the farm always result in pigs squaling around your tires.

3. Kids write PLOW ME! on your trunk.

2. When you blow the horn, prairie dogs pop up from the hood.

1. That rank smell coming from under all those McDonalds bags? The missing cat!