Old and New Jokes

Dos rancheros platican de sus labores diarias:

Estoy a punto de vender todas mis marranas, porque por más que les he puesto los mejores sementales, no se han preñado.

Lo que pasa es que te ha fallado la táctica, compadre. Mira, yo tengo una que no falla: muy de madrugada, a eso de las 4 de la mañana, las llevas en tu camioneta a la sierra y allá te las fornicas; luego, las traes de regreso a la granja. Cerca del mediodía revisas lo siguiente: si están en el sol, es que ya están listas para que un semental las monte, pero si están en la sombra, es que no fue efectivo el remedio, por lo que tendrás que repetirlo hasta que las halles en el sol.

Muy emocionado, el primer ranchero decide poner en práctica el consejo de su amigo, por lo que al día siguiente, muy temprano, se llevó a sus marranas a la sierra. Cerca de las 10 a.m. regresan, y a las doce se asoma:

¡Chin…! Están en la sombra, ni modo, mañana otra vez.

Pero esto siguió repitiéndose durante todo el mes. Situación que tenía a nuestro hombre Juan con 12 kilos menos y unas ojeras como de oso panda. Uno de tantos días, ya sin ganas de continuar con su propósito, le pide a su mujer, quien desconocía los planes de su marido:

Mujer, fíjate si las puercas están en el sol o en la sombra.

Pues no están ni en el sol ni en la sombra, le informa la señora, están todas arriba de la camioneta y una de ellas está tocando el claxon para que ya te subas.

There are 2 men sitting in a bar and they are drinking their beers when one of the men looks to the end of the bar and realizes that Neil Armstrong is sitting at the end of the bar. After some debate amongst themselves whether the man is Armstrong or not, one of the men gathers up the nerve to go up to the man and ask if indeed he is the American Icon.



He gets to the end of the bar and asks, excuse me sir, I couldnt help but notice that you are Neil Armstrong.



Mr. Armstrong replies, well yes I am how may I help you? The man states that it was a pleasure to meet him since Neil Armstrong has always been a big idol and role model in his life. Mr. Armstrong thanks him and asks him what he does for a living. I am a journalist replies the man. Mr. Armstrong gives a sigh and replies Oh, Okay. The man continues and asks him if he has a problem with journalists. Mr. Armstrong says no but states that reporters and the media had misquoted him on his moon walk statement. The man asks him what he means. Mr. Armstrong replies, you guys reported I said Once small step for man, one giant step for man kind, but what I really said was once small step for man, one giant step for Matt Kline.



Who the hell is Matt Kline? replied the man.



Matt Kline is a good friend of mine ever since we were kids, we went to the same high school, college, we even served in the service at the same time. We where both in the Apollo space program but he didnt make the cut, said Armstrong.



Okay replied the man.



Well one day I was the best man at Matts wedding and when the reception was over, I noticed that there were some packages left in the banquet room. Not wanting to have the couple go off without all of their gifts, I ran the packages up to their suite. when I got to the door I heard Matts wife say, the day I put that in my mouth will be the day a man walks on the moon!

This is an actual alert to IBM Field Engineers that went out to all IBM Branch Offices. The person who wrote it was very serious. The rest of usmay find it rather humorous. Abstract: Mouse Balls Available as FRU (Field Replacement Unit)



Mouse Balls are now available as FRU. Therefore, if a mouse fails to operateor should it perform erratically, it may need a ball replacement. Because of the delicate nature of this procedure, replacement of mouse balls should only be attempted by properly trained personnel.



Before proceeding, determine the type of mouse balls by examining the underside of the mouse. Domestic balls will be harder and larger than foreign balls. Ball removal procedures differ depending on the manufacturer of the mouse. Foreign balls can be replaced using the pop-off method. Domestic balls are replaced using the twist off method. Mouse Balls are usually not static sensitive. However, excessive handling can result in sudden discharge. Upon completion of ball replacement, the mouse may be used immediately.



It is recommended that each replacer have a pair of spare balls for maintaining optimum customer satisfaction, and that any customer missing his balls should suspect local personnel of removing these necessary items.

Knock-knock



whos there?





interupting cow.





interupting cow (moooo) who?

Why arent there any Mexicans on Star Trek?

They dont work in the future either.

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

Ram – The hydraulic machine that makes the woodsplitter work

Q: How many vampires does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, they *like* it in the dark.

I consider Wal-Mart to be Gods gift to shoppers. Here are the similarities I have noticed between the kingdom of Heaven and the Kingdom of Everyday Low Prices.

Heaven: St. Peter greets you at the gates

Wal-Mart: Some old geezer named Peter greets you at the automatic doors

Heaven: Eternal

Wal-Mart: Open 24 hours

Heaven: Where old people go when they expire

Wal-Mart: Where old people go when they retire

Heaven: Plenty of Room for everyone who loves God

Wal-Mart: Plenty of Parking for Everyone

Heaven: Golden-haired angels shouting the glory of God

Wal Mart: Purple-haired obese women shouting for a price check on diapers

Heaven: Salvation and redemption no matter what your sin

Wal-Mart: Full money refund on no matter what your complaint

Heaven: motto – EDLP = Every Do-gooder lives peacefully

Wal-Mart: motto – EDLP = Every day low prices

Heaven: Sam Walton — now a resident!

Wal-Mart: Sams choice cola — now on sale!

Manolo se fue a trabajar a la gran ciudad y a los tres años regresa a su pueblo. Después de los respectivos saludos con parientes y amigos se queda solo con su esposa y le pregunta al ver un niño de meses:

Oye mujer, ¿de quién es ese niño?

Pues de quien va ser, !es tuyo!

Pero cómo que mío, malnacida, si hace tres años que me fui de aquí a trabajar a la ciudad.

Te digo que es tuyo.

Así estaban alegando, cuando de pronto llega el compadre.

Hola compadre, escuché todo. Y sí, el niño es suyo.

¿Pero cómo puede ser?

Mire, le voy a dar un ejemplo: si usted tiene una vaca y se le sale del corral y se brinca a la finca de Don Simón y allí la agarra un toro y la embaraza y después nace un becerrito ¿de quien es el becerrito?

¡Pues mío, compadre!

Efectivamente, es suyo. Entonces de quién es el niño de su vieja? ¡Pues es suyo, compadre!

Pues sí, ¿verdad? ¡Qué burro soy!