Old and New Jokes

Two guys recently dead were given the option to stay either in Heaven
or Hell for the rest of their eternity. They asked if it was OK to
look around first, and to their surprise, it was.

First, they went to Heaven. All nice-guys were there, dressed in
white they sat on clouds playing harp. Quite a boring place, thought
our heroes.

Lets go to Hell, they said to each other.

Hell turned out to be a completely different scene. It was all bars,
casino and amusement parks. Free drinks for everyone and a lot of
people having a real good time.

Back from Hell, the guys where asked to chose between Heaven and Hell.
They both chose Hell.

Back in Hell, they were immediately scuffled in the back of a
sub-surface car and driven to a coal mine. Someone gave them a shovel
each and told them to start working.

Whats this? The last time we were here the place was entirely
different.

Yes, but then you were tourists, now you are immigrants.

Man walks into a bar, has a seat and asks for two double shots. He knocks one back and tosses the second into his vest pocket. This goes on for about a dozen rounds before the bartender says, Excuse me, but Im curious as to why you knock back one drink and toss the other into your vest pocket? The man says, Thats none of your damn business. A mouse pops out of the vest pocket and yells. And that goes for your damn cat too!

A job negotiator and a feminist were in dispute… The feminist was arguing over the different pay scales that her women were receiving…

Fem: Okay, why are women paid less than men for doing the same job that a man does. Neg: It says in the Bible that women are worth less than men.

Fem: Where does it say that? I dont think so. Neg: Well, you do agree that woman was made from a rib, correct?

Fem: Yeah, so? Neg: Well, there you have it. A rib is a cheaper cut of meat!

Dos delincuentes juveniles fueron presentados ante el juez, por posesión de drogas. El juez les dijo que los dejaría en libertad si ayudaban a convencer a otros adolescentes de lo malo que eran las drogas. Los dos estuvieron de acuerdo y una semana después regresaron con el juez a explicar lo que habían hecho.

El primero dijo: Bueno, yo sólo dibujé dos círculos en el pizarrón, una grande y uno pequeño. Entonces les expliqué a todos que el círculo grande representaba al cerebro antes de usar drogas y el pequeño después de usarlas.

El juez estaba bastante satisfecho, pero entonces el segundo muchacho dijo:

Eso no es nada. Mi presentación fue mucho mejor, y con el mismo dibujo. Yo sólo les dije a todos que el círculo pequeño era su culo antes de ir a prisión, y el grande es como les quedaría después de ir a prisión.

La aviación Norteamericana, preparó una bellísima home page, infelizmente ya desactivada, describiendo uno de sus mas ingeniosos dispositivos. El mismo buscaba probar la resistencia del vidrio del parabrisas de aeronaves y consistía en una especie de cañón que disparaba un pollo muerto en dirección al vidrio del avión probado.

El disparo era exacto y reproducía la velocidad con la cual un ave alcanzaría el avión en vuelo. Si el parabrisas resistía la prueba de impacto del ave, entonces soportaría una colisión con un pájaro en un vuelo real. El dispositivo funcionó perfectamente, con centenas de pruebas efectuadas en los Estados Unidos.

Estudiosos de Tontilandia, que estaban desarrollando una locomotora super veloz, encontraron ese home page y se interesaron por el cañón de pollos, pensando en aplicar la idea a los parabrisas de su nuevo tren hi-tech.

Entraron en contacto con los norteamericanos, consiguieron un cañón prestado y procedieron a efectuar las pruebas.

Ya en el primer tiro, el pollo reventó el vidrio frontal del tren, quebró el panel de instrumentos, estropeó la silla del ingeniero, hirió a dos técnicos y voló hasta el fondo de la locomotora, estrellándose en la pared trasera y dejando un profundo agujero en la chapa. Los científicos de Tontilandia quedaron completamente perplejos con el sorprendente y violento resultado.

Documentaron la escena en detalle, produjeron fotos digitales, grabaron declaraciones de testigos oculares, elaboraron documentos técnicos y enviaron toda la información a los Estados Unidos, preguntando que era lo que habían hecho mal.

Los técnicos estadounidenses estudiaron cuidadosamente la documentación recibida y respondieron, en un e-mail seco y directo:

DESCONGELEN EL POLLO

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.

The lawyer replied, Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?



The doctor replied, Remember that lousy real estate I had in Mississippi? Well, the river overflowed, and here I am with the flood insurance proceeds.



The lawyer looked puzzled. Gee, he asked, how do you start a flood?

Why do managers bring suitcases along to away games?
So that they can pack the defence!

Where do old bowling balls end up?
In the gutter!

Manager: I thought I told you to lose weight. What happened to your three week diet?
Player: I finished it in three days!

What part of a football pitch smells nicest?
The scenter spot!

For every problem, there is a neat, plain solution…and it is always wrong.

– If youve got
melted chocolate all over your hands, youre eating it too slowly.
– Chocolate covered raisins, cherries, orange slices & strawberries
all count as fruit, so eat as many as you want.
– The problem: How to get 2 pounds of chocolate home from the shop in
a hot car. The solution: Eat it in the car park.
– Diet tip: Eat a chocolate bar before each meal. Itll take the edge
off your appetite and youll eat less.
– A nice box of chocolates can provide your total daily intake of calories
in one place. Isnt that handy?
– If you cant eat all your chocolate, it will keep in the freezer. But
if you cant eat all your chocolate, whats wrong with you?
– If calories are an issue, store your chocolate on top of the fridge.
Calories are afraid of heights, and they will jump out of the chocolate
to protect themselves.
– Money talks. Chocolate sings.
-Chocolate has many preservatives. Preservatives make you look younger.

-If not for chocolate, there would be no need for control top tights.
An entire garment industry would be devastated.
– Put "eat chocolate" at the top of your list of things to
do today. That way, at least youll get one thing done.

Network TV is reported to be developing a Texas version of
Survivor, the recent popular TV show.

Contestants must travel from Amarillo through Fort Worth, Dallas,
Houston, San Antonio and back to Amarillo, through San Marcos and
Lubbock. Each will be driving a Volvo with a bumper sticker that
reads, Im for Gore, Im gay, and Im here to take your guns.

The first contestant to complete the round trip is the winner.