Old and New Jokes

There was this Hawaiian and fillipino man that wanted to learn how to hunt. So they met this indian man, the indian man took them to a forest and pitched a camp.

The next day they woke up the indian man came back with a huge bear over his shoulder. So the hawaiian and fillipino told the indian man how did you catch that bear the indian said when you go into the forest you look for the track and keep following it and there you will find what you are hunting for, so the hawaiian said my turn to go.

When he went into the forest he came back after two hours with a huge boar. so the fillipino man ask the Hawiian how you caught that Boar he said I did what the Indian said. So the next morning the fillipino got up and said it s my turn so he went and he saw the biggest track ever so he followed it , after two hours the fillipino never came back then all of a sudden they here the fillopino coming through the bushes all cut up brusded up they asked him what happend he said I did what you guys said I when follow the track and follow the track and the fricken train when bang me.

A guy walks into a bar and sits down. He starts dialing numbers… like a telephone… on his hand, then talking into his hand. The bartender walks over and tells him that this is a very tough neighborhood and he doesnt need any trouble here.



The guy says, You dont understand. Im very hi-tech. I had a phone installed in my hand because I was tired of carrying the cellular.



The bartender says Prove it. The guy dials up a number and hands his hand to the bartender. The bartender talks into the hand and carries on a conversation.



Thats incredible, says the bartender…I would never have believed it!



Yeah, said the guy, I can keep in touch with my broker, my wife, you name it. By the way, where is the mens room? The bartender directs him to the mens room. The guy goes in and 5, 10, 20 minutes go by and he doesnt return. Fearing the worst, given the neighborhood, the bartender goes into the mens room.



There is the guy spread- eagle on the wall. His pants are pulled down and he has a roll of toilet paper up his butt. Oh my god! said the bartender. Did they rob you? Are you hurt?



The guy turns to him and says: No, Im ok… Im just waiting for a fax.

All general statements are false; think about it.

What did the Pacific ocean so to the Atlantic ocean?

They didnt say anything… they just waved.

jokes

One day, a man went to a nearby farm to buy some of the animals that were for sale there.

He walked up to the farmer and said,Hey, thats a nice donkey you got there. I think Ill take it.

The farmer replied,Thats not a donkey, thats an ass.

So, the man said,Okay, then,Ill take the ass. Then he walked over to the chicken coup and said,I like that chicken. Ill take it too.

The farmer replied,That is a pullet.

So the man said,Okay, Ill take the pullet.

He was looking at a rooster and said,Well, I guess Ill take the rooster, too.

The farmer replied,Thats not a rooster, its a cock.

So they load the pullet and the cock into the back of the mans truck and tie the ass to the back. The man then pays the farmer as the farmer tells him,Now, sometimes the ass gets a little stubborn and he stops. All you have to do is get out and scratch his back, and hell go again.

So the man drives away. All of a sudden, the ass stops, and the pullet and the cock fly out of the back. The man is trying to get them back when a woman comes out and says,Can I help you?

The man replies,Yeah, could you grab my cock and pullet while I scratch my ass?

Top Ten Least Popular Stephen King Novels

10. The Man Who Died of Old Age

9. How Cujo Got His Groove Back

8. Heres Another One I Cranked Out In An Afternoon

7. Vacuumstarter

6. The Scary Windowless Corridor Next To The Oval Office

5. The Guy Who Accidentally Put Expired Milk In His Coffee —

He Didnt Drink It, But What If He Did?

4. The Scariest Part of This Book Is My Picture On The Back Cover

3. Inside the Kitchen At Your Local T.G.I. Fridays

2. Hi Im Your New Neighbor, Richard Simmons

1. Satans Independent Prosecutor

HOW TO MESS WITH THE IRS



(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of the government to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary)



Always put staples in the right hand corner. Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from the envelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.



Never arrange paperwork in the right order, or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way they have to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the left side).



Line the bottom of your envelope with elmers glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated opener doesnt open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.



If your very unfortunate and have to pay taxes use a two or three party check.



On top of paying with a three party check pay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter how small an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.



Write a little letter of appreciation. Any letter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what its on. Write your letter on something misshapen and unconventional. Like on

the back of a Kroger sack.



When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope (even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differently than regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they take priority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.



If you send 2 checks theyll have to staple your unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.



Always put extra paper clips on your forms. Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.



Sign your name in ink on every page. Any signature has to verified and then date stamped.



These are just a few of the fun and exciting things you can do. These methods are only recommended when you owe money.

What do you get when you have a cow and a duck?

Milk and quackers.

What does an envelope say when you lick it?

Nothing, it just shuts up.

What does Michael Jackson call his Tickle-me Elmo doll?

Bait.

What goes 99 thump 99 thump 99 thump…?

A centipede with a wooden leg.

What goes Tick tock, woof woof?

A watch dog.

What is a reptiles favorite movie?

The Lizard of Oz.

What is Beethoven doing in his coffin right now?

Decomposing.

What kind of reptile tells time?

A clock-odile.

What kind of snack do little monkeys have with their milk?

Chocolate chimp cookies.

What magazine do cats like to read?

Good Mousekeeping.

Whats happening when you hear woof…splat…meow…splat?

Its raining cats and dogs.

This speaks a lot about the Japanese quality standards and also cultural misunderstandings.

Theyre still laughing about this at IBM. Apparently the computer giant decided to have some parts manufactured in Japan as a trial project. In the specifications, they set out that they will accept three defective parts per 10,000 .

When the delivery came in there was an accompanying letter. We, Japanese people, had a hard time understanding North American business practices. But the three defective parts per 10,000 have been separately manufactured and have been included in the consignment. Hope this pleases you.

Wit and wisdom on the dunny walls of the world:

Friends dont let friends take home ugly men.
– Womens toilet, Dewey Beach, Delaware.

The best way to a mans heart is to saw his breastplate open.
– Womens toilet, Champaign, Illinois.

Beauty is only a light switch away.
– Perkins Library, Duke University, Durham, North Carolina.

Ive decided that to raise my grades I must lower my standards.
– Houghton Library, Harvard, Cambridge, Massachusetts.

God made pot. Man made beer. Who do you trust?
– The Irish Times, Washington DC.

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
– Baton Rouge, Louisiana.

At the feast of ego, everyone leaves hungry.
– Tucson, Arizona.

No matter how good she looks, some other guy is sick and tired of putting up with her shit.
– Mens toilet, Chapel Hill, North Carolina.

A Womens Rule of Thumb – if it has tyres or testicles, youre going to have trouble with it.
– Womens toilet, Dallas, Texas.

Jesus Saves, but wouldnt it be better if he had invested?
– Mens toilet, American University, Washington DC.

Express Lane: Five beers or less.
– Sign over one of the urinals, Phoenix, Arizona.

Youre too good for him.
– Sign over mirror in womens toilet, Beverly Hills, California.

No wonder you always go home alone.
– Sign over mirror in mens toilet, Beverly Hills, California.

If life is a waste of time, and time is a waste of life, then lets all get wasted together and have the time of our lives. – Armands Pizza, Washington DC.

To do is to be – Descartes
To be is to do – Sartre
Do be do be do – Frank Sinatra
– Mens toilets, Scottsdale, Arizona.

Its hard to make a comeback when you havent been anywhere.
– Written in dust on back of a bus, Wickenburg, Arizona.

Make love, not war – hell, do both, get married!
– Womens toilet, Bozeman, Montana.

If voting could really change things, it would be illegal.
– Revolution Books, New York.