Old and New Jokes

Why do men resist becoming fathers?

Because they arent through yet being children.

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.

33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructors requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.

Two guys are talking in a bar..

My hobbies are huntin and drinkin.

said Art.

What do you hunt?

asked John.

Somethin to drink,

Iba un negro millonario en su carro último modelo cuando se encuentra a un tipo blanco pidiendo aventón.

El tipo negro penso: Si llevo a este tipo blanco podré humillarlo. Todos se darán cuenta que un negro le da aventón a un blanco.

El negro decide darle aventón al blanco y lo sube en los asientos traseros del carro. El negro decide pasar a la gasolinera para humillar al tipo blanco.

En la gasolinera se acerca la persona que atiende y le dice al tipo blanco que iba atrás:

¡Qué buen chofer tenés!

El tipo negro se va muy enojado, luego le dice al tipo blanco: Si querés que te de aventón, ahora te toca conducir.

Más adelante deciden pasar a una gasolinera en donde se acerca el tipo que atendía y le dice al negro que estaba sentado en la parte de atrás:

¡Buen aventón te conseguiste, negro huevón!

There were two lovers, who were really into spiritualism and reincarnation. They vowed that if either died, the other one remaining would try to contact the partner in the other world exactly 30 days after their death. Unfortunately, a few weeks later, the young man died in a car wreck. True to her word, his sweetheart tried to contact him in the spirit world exactly 30 days later. At the seance, she called out, John, John, this is Martha. Do you hear me? A ghostly voice answered her, Yes Martha, this is John. I can hear you. Martha tearfully asked, Oh John, what is it like where you are? Its beautiful. There are azure skies, a soft breeze, sunshine most of the time. What do you do all day? asked Martha. Well, Martha, we get up before sunrise, eat some good breakfast, and theres nothing but making love until noon. After lunch, we nap until two and then make love again until about five. After dinner, we go at it again until we fall asleep about 11 p.m.

Martha was somewhat taken aback. Is that what heaven really is like? Heaven? Im not in heaven, Martha. Well, then, where are you? Im a rabbit in Arizona.

Why didnt the 3 blondes go to Disneyland?

Because they saw a sign on the highway that said Disneyland left.

Six months into a marriage, a man was asked by his best friend how everything was going.

He replied, Oh, just fine. We practically never have any arguments. In the morning, she does what she wants. In the afternoon, I do what she wants. And at night, we both do what we both want.

I work in a court reporting office; in addition to my normal computer-related
duties, I also proofread deposition transcripts during busy times.

Ive built up a pretty long list of humorous things that occasionally occur;
unintentional (or intentional) double-entendres, witnesses (and lawyers) not
paying attention to what theyre really saying, and so forth.

Here are some of the better ones that I (and some others in the office) have
run across.

*** Names have been changed to protect all parties. ***

Q I hate to be nosy, but how old are you?
A Forty-three. Thats okay. Youre nosy
enough. You might as well put that in.

* * * * * * * *

Q Did she appear to be in any pain? In
other words, just looking at her, did she look like
she was hurting?
A Shes so ugly it looks like she hurts
all the time.

* * * * * * * *

ATTORNEY: I object to that as being a
question impossible to answer; outside this
persons expertise; and I dont know what it
means.

* * * * * * * *

DEF ATT: I object to that as being an
improper question and this man cannot answer
the question.
PLTF ATT: Go sit on it.

* * * * * * * *

Q What happened in that accident?
A I was going around the corner and it was
wet and rainy outside, and I kind of slid down an
embankment and went into some bushes.
Q Were the police called out to that?
A A state trooper came out. And he gave me
a careless driving ticket because he told me he had
to give me a ticket. I didnt fight it, because it
was my word against the bushes, I guess you could
say.

* * * * * * * *

THE WITNESS: The relevant question here
is–
ATTORNEY 1: Well, why dont you let
her ask a question?
ATTORNEY 2: Let her ask–
THE WITNESS: I thought you did. Okay.
ATTORNEY 3: I thought I did, too.
ATTORNEY 1: Well, I dont know what it is.
ATTORNEY 3: The witness does, and I do.
THE WITNESS: Whats your question?

* * * * * * * *

Q Dr. Smith, how are you–
A Just fine.
Q Pardon?
A Just fine. Im ready to go.
Q Okay. Great. How are you employed?

* * * * * * * *

A Youve got to figure Im a pretty
conservative lady. This is the first concert I had
ever been to.
Q Of any kind?
A Well, I take that back. I went to Jerry
Lee Lewis when I was 16 years old.
Q There was no shooting at that concert,
was there?
A No. A whole lot of shaking going on, but
no shooting.

* * * * * * * *

Q What was your attorneys name?
A It was John Smith, right here in Tampa.
LAWYER 1: Right out the window.
THE WITNESS: Right. So what Im
getting–
LAWYER 2: Let the record be clear that
Mr. Smith is not hanging out the window.
THE WITNESS: I dont know. Knowing
John, he could be.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is that the only license you hold?
A I have a marriage license.
Q Youre not a realtor or a plumber or
anything else like that?
A No. They dont require a license to have
children, which they should.

* * * * * * * *

A Well, I have never heard of anything like
that, but I suppose any help at the time would have
been a help.

* * * * * * * *

Q And the serratus anterior nerve that–
or the nerves that go to it, where do they come
from?
A The neck, the cervical region.
Q From the cervical region?
A Yes.
Q And did you do any examination of his
cervical–of his cervix–to determine if there
was any problem with his nerves going through his
neck?
A He doesnt have a cervix, but, yes, I
examined the biceps.

* * * * * * * *

Q How long have you been married to her?
A Nineteen years.
Q Is that your only marriage?
A Yes, it is, that I know of.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you recall discussing with John
Smith that if you were in a deposition or
anything like that and you dont want to give the
right answer, all you have to say is, I dont know.
I dont recall?
A No. I dont remember.

* * * * * * * *

Q No one went with you from Foobar to assist
you. Correct?
A It seems to me–not from Foobar. Like I
said, it was a long time ago. I mean, my memory is as
short as my peter.

* * * * * * * *

A Obsessive-compulsive symptoms: Sometimes
checks his own activities. Suicidal and homicidal
ideations: Sometimes he has suicidal ideations
regarding his car or truck every couple of days,
particularly following contact with his attorney.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you recall if you had any alcohol or
anything to drink prior to the concert?
A Yes, I did.
Q What did you have, if you remember?
A I think I had a Fuzzy Navel.
Q You ought to have a doctor look at that.
Just kidding.

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you consider him to be competent in
that area?
A I dont know. I dont have any basis to
remark about the competency of his engineering. I
do know hes dead.

* * * * * * * *

A There are very few production places in
North Dakota.
ATTORNEY: Generally speaking, there
are very few places in North Dakota.

* * * * * * * *

Q And where does sandblasting fit in your
scale of being a prestigious job? Do you think
thats a prestigious job?
A Yes, sir.
Q Okay. More so than working in a
factory, I guess.
A Yes, sir.
Q Everybodys entitled to their opinion, I
guess. I dont know. Maybe youre right.
MR. JONES: Ranks above lawyers.
MR. SMITH: Yeah, I bet.
MR. JONES: Because everybody does
that.
MR. SMITH: Yeah.

* * * * * * * *

MR. SMITH: If I could just have a
one-minute break sometime, whenever you feel
youre–
MR. JONES: This is a good time.
(Recess from 2:41 p.m. to 3:03 p.m.)

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you have any reason to believe that
the decision to have Mr. Jones, Mr. Brown and
yourself work on Foobar products to the exclusion
of the EMS products listed in group 3 and 4 of
Exhibit–of the December 5 chart was made or–
MR. SMITH: Can you read that back, and
maybe I can try and figure out what I wanted to
ask.

* * * * * * * *

Q Oh, okay. So you had a conversation with
Mr. Smith about the SeaTower at some point–
A Yes.
Q –prior to his death?

* * * * * * * *

Q And what is it about that particular night that you
recall that you didnt eat at the Holiday Inn?
A What is it that I remember that I didnt eat?

* * * * * * * *

Q What was Linda drinking, if anything?
A She was drinking one of them–one of them lady drinks.
I dont know what it was.
Q She had about the same as you?
A No. Huh-uh. She doesnt drink much. Shell just have
one drink, and shell suck on it all night long.

* * * * * * * *

Q Next time you saw him?
A August 12, 1991. Checked tonsils–no,
Im sorry, checked testicle. Must be mother asking.
But I didnt find anything wrong with testicle. On
the contrary, I noticed there was an ear problem.

* * * * * * * *

Q And Detroit Murphy–what is that? Is that a school
or–
A Its Mercy, not Murphy.
Q Oh, Mercy?
A Im sorry. Yeah, Mercy.
Q Oh, Im sorry. Mercy.
A Yeah, Detroit Mercy is a college, and they do it like
through the Jesuit priests program. They do things with young
boys.

* * * * * * * *

MR. SMITH: Let me ask you, sir,
to identify what I am going to have marked as
Defendants Exhibit No. 1.
MR. JONES: Okay.
(Exhibit No. 1 marked for identification.)
A He has nice big ones.
MR. JONES: I have got the same ones,
and I had them blown.

* * * * * * * *

Q Could you please, in your own words,
describe where youre touching on your body?
A Right here.
Q All right. Now, where is right here?
A Right here.
Q Is that your leg?
A No, sir. My leg is here. Thats my
stomach. I got two stomachs right here. But he was–
Q All right. You have two stomachs.

* * * * * * * *

Q Why do you handle the family finances?
A Because my mom and sister aint that
bright.

* * * * * * * *

Q Did you notice any differences in the plaintiff
during the fishing trip after the accident and the
times you had been with him before?
A Yes.
Q Can you tell the jury about that?
A After a long period of time holding his
rod, you could see he had to sit down for a period
of time.

* * * * * * * *

Q How far apart are the rungs on the
ladder?
A Theyre usually about 12 inches to a
foot.

* * * * * * * *

Q What did you do for Johnson & Sons Formal
Wear?
A I was a presser.
Q Who was your boss there?
A I forget his name. Hes the owner.
MR. SMITH: Johnson.
A Yeah. Its a father-and-son operation.

* * * * * * * *

Q You dont have any intention of
dismissing Jane Smith anytime soon, do you?
A No. Sometimes I wish I could eat her,
and other times you want to hug her up and kiss her
nose.

* * * * * * * *

A Mr. Jones and I had had a
disagreement, the exact nature of which I dont
remember, but it was over some aspect of my work
that he wanted me to perform in a manner different
than, I guess, I was performing it. And Mr.
Joness–excuse my language coming up–Mr.
Jones said, If you fuck with me, Ill kill
you.
Q When he said, If you fuck with me, Ill
kill you, how did you interpret that?

* * * * * * * *

Q Has anybody else ever threatened to kill
you?
A No. Somebody put a gun to my neck once,
but I dont think he threatened to use it.
Q Was that in an employment contact or not?
A No. It was a social contact.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is there a difference between a
reconditioned and rebuilt piece of equipment in your
mind, if you have one?

* * * * * * * *

Q So the first thing that you heard was the
one that you overheard with Mr. Jones stating that
he didnt want any women in his department. And
then second time when you were in this exact
conversation would have been after the first time?

* * * * * * * *

Q Have you tried any type of rehabilitation
or work retraining?
A No. No, sir.
Q Why not?
A Because I aint too bright.

* * * * * * * *

Q And, Doctor, are you a member of the
profession? Correct?
A What profession?
Q The medical profession.
A Oh, yes, sir.
Q And what profession are you a member of?
A The medical profession.

* * * * * * * *

Q I would like you to turn to the next
page, dated June 9, 1993.
A Yes.
Q Do you recall this incident occurring?
A Yes. The night before that I had eaten
at Beachcombers Restaurant. And I had crab. And I
had vomited in the–
Q I assure you on this question a simple
Yes or No will do.

* * * * * * * *

Q Anything else you like to do a lot?
A Look out the window.
Q Have you got a good view?
A No.
Q You just like to look out there?
A Yeah.
Q What can you see from your window?
A The apartments in front of us.
Q I guess theres usually a lot of activity out there.
A Not no more.
Q How come?
A The drug dealer moved away.

* * * * * * * *

Q Okay. Did it become a shouting match at
any time?
A Uh-huh.
Q It did?
A A big one.
Q And what was the net result?
A I left, was the result. I left. I
basically told him that I didnt care how big his
dick was.
Q How did that comment come up?
A It just came out.
Q Okay. Why did you make that comment?
Does he talk about, you know, his penis a lot?
A Yeah, he always talks about his penis.
He thinks its the greatest thing that ever walked
on earth.

* * * * * * * *

Q And what was the reason given to you for
the fact you were let go?
A The reason given to me was garnishing a
knife and arguing with the supervisor.

* * * * * * * *

Q Is the south boundary of the north half
of the southeast quarter of the northwest quarter
the same line as the north boundary of the south
half of the southeast quarter of the northwest
quarter?

* * * * * * * *

Q Do you currently have normal bowel
movements?
A No.
Q In what way have they changed?
A I have a lot more gas that I–I fart a
lot more; and when I do, theyre much stronger than
the normal person.
Isnt that true, Jane?
I know its not funny, but its true.

A concerned neighbour rings up the police because he suspects his next door neighbour to be hiding canabis in his firewood.The police arrive at the mans house and start chopping up all his firewood. They find nothing, swear at the man and leave.A few seconds later the neighbour gets a phone call.Its Tony, did the police come and chop your firewoodyeh mate they didhappy birthday mate.

THE KILTED SCOTSMAN

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a considerable amount of whiskey at a local pub. As he staggered down the road, he felt quite sleepy and decided to take a nap, with his back against a tree.

As he slept, two young lasses walked down the road and heard the Scotsman snoring loudly. They saw him, and one said, Ive always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt.

She boldly walked over to the sleeping man, raised his kilt, and saw what nature had provided him at his birth.

Her friend said, Well, he has solved a great mystery for us, now!

He must be rewarded! So, she took a blue ribbon from her hair, and gently tied it around what nature had provided the Scotsman, and the two walked away.

Some time later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature, and walked around to the other side of the tree to relieve himself. He raised his kilt…and saw where the blue ribbon was tied.

After several moments of bewilderment, the Scotsman said…

I dont know where ybeen lad…but its nice taknow ywon first prize!