Old and New Jokes

What are the two biggest lies in Poland?

The check is in your mouth
I wont come in the mail.

If Mama Cass had given Karen Carpenter half of
that ham sandwich they would both be alive today.

Clean rooms are boring.

An American General, a Russian General and a British General are standing on
the deck of a ship watching war exercises. (OK, OK, so this is an old one..)
The topic of discussion turns to human courage, and the Russian General boasts,
Russians are the most courageous people on Earth!

Upon which the American (naturally) challenges him: Oh YEAH?

The Russian says, Sure! Here, Yuri! Jump off the deck (into the freezing
Atlantic) and swim around the ship!

Yuri marches off without a word, and does as he is told. The Russian turns
around and says: See, theres an example of courage!

The American has to top this, so he calls up one of his underlings and gives
him the order:

Jack, Jump off the main mast into the ocean, and swim around the ship
seven times!

Poor Jack goes off without a murmur, and he too does as he is told. The
American General says: Now top that for courage!

So they both turn around to the British General who has been standing around
watching these antics silently. They ask him: What about your people?

So the British guy calls up one of his people and says: Trevor, jump off the
mast and swim under the keel of the ship, will you, old chap?

Trevor stares at his general.

Let me get this right. You want me to jump off the mast.

Yes.

And swim under the keel

Yes.

You must be daft!

And so saying, Trevor turns around and saunters off. Whereupon the British
General turns to the other two and says,

Now theres an example of TRUE courage!

One day a man came home from work to find his wife crying hysterically in the kitchen.

Whats wrong dearest?? asked the confused husband.

Oh darling, sobbed the wife, I was cleaning little Suzies room when I found whips, handcuffs and chains under her bedm, along with a very erotic porn magazine! What ever are we going to do???

Well, replied the man…

I guess a spanking is out of the question?

When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let
him keep her.

You might just be white trash if …

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

The Salvation Army declines your mattress.

You were shooting pool when any of your children were born.

Your school fight song was Dueling Banjos.

Your wife has ever said, Come move this transmission so I can take a bath.

You keep a can of RAID on your kitchen table.

Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

The gas pedal in your car is shaped like a bare foot.

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they dont do a d***** thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. lets soak up more tax dollars while we play Doom), which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And youre sitting there reading humor funnies.

No wonder Im tired; Im the doing ALL of the work myself!

Yo mama so ugly she gets 364 extra days to dress up for Halloween!

How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?

It is the one with the kickstand.