Old and New Jokes

I came across this joke whilst listing to our local radio station!

There was a bear that had been walking for a very long time and decided to call in to the local bar, Well he goes into the bar, sits himself down and says to the bar tender I would like a beer thanks

The bartender replies Sorry mate we do not sell beer to bears in Big Bill Burger Bar

Now at this point the bear is getting angery so he thumps the bar and repeats I would like a beer

Once again the Barman replies Sorry mate we do not sell beer to bears that bang on the bar at Big Bills Burger Bar!

Now by this time the bear is getting pretty angery and starts to bash to costomers that was sitting next to him!

And the bear says again I would like a beer please

And once again the barman replies sorry we do not sell beer to bears that bash the bar and bistanders!

Now by this time the bear was anger than hell so the bear picks up some empty bottles and starts to throw them at the barman.

The bear repeats I would like a beer please

The barman replies sorry we do not sell beer to bears that bash the bar and the bistanders and also thow bottles around the bar at Big Bills Burger Bar

Well that did it for the Bear, so the bear gets up off of the seat opens his mouth and takes a chunk out of the bar!

Now give me my blasted beer!

The Barman replies with Sorry we do not give beer to bears that bash the bar and bistanders and also throw bottles around the bar and that are also on drugs!

The bear replies with what do you mean DRUGS??? I admit to Bashing the bar and the bistanders and throwing the bottles, but what is this about me being on drugs!

And the barman replies with Well what about the Bar-Bit-You-ate!!

If you are not sure if you get that joke read it again and say Bar-Bit-You-Ate fast and then see if you get it or not!

Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, Edna, Id like to ride in that there airplane.

And every year Edna would say, I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, Edna, Im 71 years old. If I dont ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.

Edna replied, Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.

The pilot overheard them and said, Folks, Ill make you a deal. Ill take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I wont charge you, but if you say one word its ten dollars.

Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word.

They land and the pilot turns to Fred, By golly, I did everything could think of to get you to yell out, but you didnt.

Fred replied, Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.

Yo mama so fat when she sits on my face I cant hear the stereo.

Q: How many Dartmouth students does it take to change a lightbulb?
A: None–Hanover doesnt have electricity!

Note: Dartmouth is way out in the middle of nowhere in New Hampshire.

You might be a redneck if…

You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.

A full-grown ostrich has fewer feathers than your cowboy hat.

An expired license plate means another decoration for your living room wall.

You think Old Yeller is a movie about your brothers tooth.

You watch Little House on the Prairie for decorating tips.

Your secret family recipe is illegal.

Your handkerchief doubles as your shirt sleeve.

Your babys favorite teething ring is the garden hose in the front yard.

Your coat-of-arms features kudzu.

Your sophisticated show-biz cousin is a rodeo clown.

You think people that send out graduation announcements are show-offs.

Your best ashtray is a turtle shell.

Your pocketknife has ever been referred to as Exhibit A.

You think cur is a breed of dog.

People hear your car long before they see it.

Your four-year-old is a member of the NRA.

Your satellite dish payment delays buying school clothes for the kids.

Your most expensive shoes have numbers on the heels.

Your wife has ever burned out an electric razor.

Your birth announcement included the word rug rat.

Un hombre llega a un bar y ordena:

¡Mozo, 5 whiskis!

Se los sirve el mozo y el hombre se los toma. Al rato de tomárselos:

¡Mozo, 4 whiskis!

El mozo se los lleva y él se los toma. Al rato:

¡Mojo, 3 whisky!

Pasa lo mismo:

¡Moho, 2 whiky!

En eso, al tomarse los whiskis le dice al mozo:

¡Moho, por qué será que entre meno tomo má me curo!

Jimmy Carter as President is like Truman Capote marrying Dolly Parton. The job is just too big for him. — Rich Little

What was the worst mistake that Bill made with Monica?

He didnt send her home with Ted Kennedy.

My kid had sex with your honor student.

Yo mama so stupid that when she went to the movies and saw Under 18 not addmitted, she went home and came back with 17 of her friends.