One day Steve Young died and went to Heaven. When he got there, God showed him to his new mansion, which had 49er stuff hanging everywhere. Then Steve looked out his new window and saw an even bigger mansion on the top of the hill. That mansion had Packer stuff hanging all over it, so Steve assumed it must belong to Brett Favre. So Steve asked God, Why is Brett Favres house bigger than mine is?
Thats not Brett Favres house, God answered, Its Mine.
A guy is on an airplane and he was in first class. He needed to use the restroom. In first class they have a men and a womans bathroom but the mens bathroom was occupied so he asked the flight attendent to use the womans bathroom so she let him but she said whatever you do dont press any buttons but he just ignored her and when he went in he saw three buttons a WC button a WD button and an ATR button.First he pressed the WC button and it blew air up his butt. Then he pressed the WC button and it blew water up his butt.After that he pressed the ATR button and found himself in the hospital and when he woke up the nurse was in the room and he asked her why he was in the hospital and she didnt know so she asked him to remember what he did last and he said I remember pressing an ATR button and she said oh well thats an automatic tampon remover
OUCH!!!!!
IN A LAUNDROMAT: Automatic washing machines. Please remove all your clothes when the light goes out.
IN A LONDON DEPARTMENT STORE: Bargain Basement Upstairs
IN AN OFFICE: Would the person who took the step ladder yesterday please bring it back or further steps will be taken.
IN ANOTHER OFFICE: After the tea break staff should empty the teapot and stand upside down on the draining board.
ON A CHURCH DOOR: This is the gate of Heaven. Enter ye all by this door. (This door is kept locked because of the draft. Please use side entrance.)
OUTSIDE A SECOND HAND SHOP: We exchange anything – bicycles, washing machines etc. Why not bring your wife along and get a wonderful bargain.
QUICKSAND WARNING: Quicksand. Any person passing this point will be drowned. By order of the District Council.
NOTICE IN A DRY CLEANERS WINDOW: Anyone leaving their garments here for more than 30 days will be disposed of.
IN A HEALTH FOOD SHOP WINDOW: Closed due to illness.
SPOTTED IN A SAFARI PARK: Elephants Please Stay In Your Car
SEEN DURING A CONFERENCE: For anyone who has children and doesnt know it, there is a day care on the first floor.
NOTICE IN A FIELD: The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.
MESSAGE ON A LEAFLET: If you cannot read, this leaflet will tell you how to get lessons.
ON A REPAIR SHOP DOOR: We can repair anything (Please knock hard on the door – the bell doesnt work)
SPOTTED IN A TOILET IN A LONDON OFFICE BLOCK: Toilet out of order. Please use floor below.
Two penguins are on an iceberg. One had a swimcap, the other had a boombox.
There was this punk who got on a bus. He sat next to an old man who
started staring at him, because he was dressed in really colorful
clothing.
He had all this colorful make-up on, and his hair was spiked up with
red,green,& yellow with feathers.
The punk was getting sick of being stared at so he said to the old man, Hey, old man, what are you lookinat,eh? Didnt you do
anything strange when you were a teenager?
Well, yeah, the old man answered. Once I got so drunk that I screwed a parrot, so I cant help but think that maybe youre my son.
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?
If you get one of those pushy people who wont shut up, just listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell them that youll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
If they start out with, How are you today? say, Why do you want to know? Or you can say, Im so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…. When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling about your problems.
If the person says hes Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.
This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: Hi, my name is Julie and Im with Dodger & Peck Services…. You: Hang on a second. (few seconds pause) Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?
Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, Julie!! Is this really you? I cant believe it! Julie, how have you BEEN? Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.
Say, No, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as theyre trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, I dont have any friends…would you be my friend?
If they clean rugs: Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood – chicken blood too?
Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional Uh-huh, really, or, Thats fascinating. Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldnt give your credit card number to someone whos a complete stranger.
Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example:
Telemarketer: This is Bill from Widget & Associates.
You: Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?
Telemarketer: Uh, Dallas, Texas.
You: Great, they have a group there too? Hows business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person says, Well, I dont really want to get a call at home, say, Ya! Now you know how I feel. (smiling, of course…)
Q: How many signal processing engineers does it take to change a lightbulb ?
A: Three. One to Fouriev transform the lightbulb, one to apply a complex exponential rotational shifting operator, and one to inverse transform the removed lightbulb.
En una taberna del viejo Oeste, se encontraba un vaquero bebiendo cuando un indio llega y dice:
Tengo una historia que nunca has escuchado.
El vaquero, curioso, responde:
Cuéntamela.
Iba yo por las montañas en busca de caza, y de pronto encontré un gran ciervo, saqué mi arco, y pan. Le di en todo el tomax.
Extrañado, el vaquero pregunta:
¿Tomax? ¿Qué tomax?
Un güisqui, se apresura a responder el indio.
El cowboy se siente estafado y comienza a cabrearse, pero el indio prosigue su historia mientras se acaba el whisky:
Pero seguà más adelante, y en la pradera vi a un gran bisonte, raudo cogà mi arco y de certera flecha, le di en todo el bebex.
¿Bebex? ¿Qué bebex?, pregunta la vÃctima.
Otro güisqui, responde rápido el indio.
Esto agota la paciencia del vaquero y le dispara, cayendo el indio al suelo muerto. El camarero que vio toda la escena le reclama muy preocupado al vaquero:
¡Pero qué has hecho, era un indio de la tribu de los indios gorrones, y como vengan te vas a enterar!
No me dan miedo, asegura valiente el vaquero.
Acto seguido llegó la tribu de los indios gorrones al salón. Entonces uno de ellos habló:
¿Quién ha sido el que ha matado a Toro Mangado?
El cowboy levanta la mano y acepta:
Yo.
¿Tú solo?, pregunta el indio gorrón.
SÃ.
Pues nosotros con leche, dicen a coro los demás indios.
Did you know that heaven and hell are right next to each other? Well they are and there seperated by a VERY long fence.
Well one night hell had a really big party and knocked down the fence. The next day God called satan over and told him to put the fence back up. Satan agreed and they then parted ways.
The day after that God came back and called satan back and said Satan look! The fence is now 3 feet into Heaven! I demand that you put it back!!!
And what if i dont?? Satan replyed.
Then I guess Ill have to sue God replyed.
Well how are you going to get a lawyer? Theyre all in hell!
Knock! Knock!
Whos there?
Rita.
Rita who?
Rita book, you might learn something.
Knock! Knock!
Whos there?
Police.
Police who?
Police open the door, Im tired of knocking.
Knock! Knock!
Whos there?
Henrietta.
Henrietta who?
Henrietta worm that was in his apple.
Knock! Knock!
Whos there?
Carrie.
Carrie who?
Carrie on with what youre doing, Im at the wrong door.
Knock! Knock!
Whos there?
Anita.
Anita who?
Anita drink of water.
Knock! Knock!
Whos ther?
Dwain.
Dwain who?
Dwain the bathtub, Im dwrowning.