Old and New Jokes

I dont repeat gossip. So listen carefully…

I hate to be the one to defy sacred myth, but I believe hes a she.

Think about it. Christmas is a big, organized, warm, fuzzy, nurturing, social deal, and I have a tough time believing a guy could possibly pull it all off.

For starters, the vast majority of men dont even think about selecting gifts until Christmas Eve. Once at the mall, they always seem surprised to find only Ronco products, socket wrench sets and mood rings left on the shelves. On this count alone, Im convinced Santa is a woman.

Surely, if he were a man, everyone in the universe would wake up Christmas morning to find a rotating musical Chia Pet under the tree – still in the bag.

Another problem for a he-Santa would be getting there. First of all, there would be no reindeer because they would all be dead, gutted and strapped on to the rear bumper of the sleigh amid wide-eyed, desperate claims that buck season had been extended. Blitzens rack would already be on the way to the taxidermist

Even if the male Santa DID have reindeer, hed still have transportation problems because he would inevitably get lost up there in the snow and clouds and then refuse to stop and ask for directions.

Other reasons why Santa cant possibly be a man

Men cant pack a bag.
Men would rather be dead than caught wearing red velvet
Men would feel their masculinity is threatened by being seen with all those elves
Men dont answer their mail.
Men would refuse to allow their physique to be described, even in jest, as anything remotely resembling a bowlful of jelly.
Men arent interested in stockings unless somebodys wearing them.
Having to do the Ho-Ho-Ho thing would seriously inhibit their ability to pick up women.
Finally, being responsible for Christmas would require a commitment.

I can buy the fact that other mythical characters are men:

Father Time shows up once a year unshaven and looking ominous. Definitely a guy.
Cupid flies around carrying weapons.
Uncle Sam is a politician who likes to point fingers.

Any one of these individuals could pass the testosterone screening test. But not St. Nick. Not a chance. As long as we have each other, good will, peace on earth, faith and Nat King Coles version of The Christmas Song, it probably makes little difference what gender Santa is.

I just wish shed quit dressing like a guy!!!

From modernhumorist.com

One Hollywood exec said he wouldnt be surprised if the movie rights to the election of the century were already being negotiated. Its got all the ingredients—a mysterious electoral college, weird tabulating procedures, missing ballots, lawsuits—as well as photogenic lead characters.

– Variety

Uncountable

Dir. M. Night Shyamalan

In this supernatural thriller from the creator of The Sixth Sense, an election is not what it seems. Gore (Bruce Willis) is haunted by the memory of losing Palm Beach County by a narrow margin. His son, Al Gore III (Brad Renfro) tells him, I see missing ballots. An election law expert (Samuel L. Jackson) tries to find the truth. Please do not reveal the surprise ending (Gov. Carnahan is dead!).

How the Grinch Stole the Election

Dir. Ron Howard

Ralph Nader (Abe Vigoda) plots to steal away as many votes as possible from the gentle Gores in Goreville (Tennessee). Aided by loyal Cindy Lou-Who (Ani Difranco), Nader-Grinch seeks to confuse the voting populace with his tales of giant corporations and government corruption.

Voter in the Dark

Dir. Lars von Trier

An elderly Florida woman (Bjork) gradually loses her eyesight while casting the deciding Palm Beach vote.

Armageddon 2

Dir. Michael Bay. Prod. Jerry Bruckheimer

Fade in: The terrorist bombing of the USS Cole ($30 million). Cut to: A retirement community in Palm Beach, Florida, which explodes ($25 million). Cut to: Al Gore (Nicolas Cage) and George W. Bush (Ving Rhames) engaged in martial-arts combat atop the U.S. Capitol ($16 million). Fade out to end credits ($11 million).

The Presidential Erection

Writ. Joe Ezterhas

A Miami stripper (Yasmine Bleeth) becomes involved in an erotic triangle with two presidential candidates (David Caruso and Kyle MacLachlan). On the eve of the election, she chooses her allegiance to one, and the other demands a recount.

Untitled Woody Allen Fall 2000 Project

Al Gore (Stanley Tucci), a neurotic presidential candidate, has to take stock of his life when his rival (Sean Penn) wins the election. But a strange fortuneteller (Judy Davis) helps Gore go back in time and teach comical Jewish retirees how to fill out their ballots correctly. Only after Gore falls in love with a beautiful but klutzy ballot designer (Natasha Lyonne) does he find true happiness.

Plan 9 From Palm Beach

Dir. Ed Wood

Aliens, posing as chads, try to take over the democratic process by re-animating the residents of Palm Beach retirement condos. Starring Bela Lugosi as George W. Bush, Tor Johnson as Karl Rove and a piece of aluminum-covered cardboard dangling from a string as Al Gore.

Also in production:

A Few Good Democrats

Dir. Rob Reiner, Prod. Harvey Weinstein

Theres Something About Cheney

Dir. Bobby and Peter Farrelly

Jing Cha Gu Shi (a.k.a. Ballot Attack Fury)

Dir. Jackie Chan

The Infected Boil

Dir. David Cronenberg

The Disputed Hole (a.k.a. The Swinging Chad)

Dir. Phillip Kaufman

This film is rated NC-17.

A guy was walking down a street in Ireland when a man approached from behind him and stuck a knife to the the guys throat.

Be you protestant or catholic, the assailant (sp?) asked.

The guy thought If I say Im catholic and hes protestant, Im a dead man. If I say Im protestant and hes catholic, Im a dead man.

After a little thought, the guy said, Im jewish, IM JEWISH.

Aha, the assailant said, I have to be the luckyest Arab in Ireland!

Knock Knock
Whos there?
Red!
Red who?
Red peppers. Isnt that a hot one!

If 50% of adults are illiterate, how come Bill only got 43% of the vote?

Tommy OConnor went to confession and said, Forgive me father for I have sinned.

What have you done Tommy OConnor?



I had sex with a girl.



Who was it, Tommy?



I cannot tell you father, please forgive me for my sin.



Was it Mary Margaret Sullivan?



No father, please forgive me for my sin but I cannot tell you who it was.



Was it Catherine Mary McKenzie?



No father, please forgive me for my sin.



Well then it has to be, Sarah Martha OKeefe.



No father, please forgive me, I cannot tell you who it was.



Okay, Tommy go say 5 Hail Marys and 4 Our Fathers and you will be abolished of your sin.



So Tommy walked out to the pews where his friend Joseph was waiting. What did ya get? asked Joseph.



Well I got 5 hail Marys, 4 Our Fathers, and 3 good leads.

A blonde went out to her mail box and looked in, closed the door and went back in the house. A few minutes later she went out and looked in the mail box again.

She did this several times and her neighbor that was watching her said: You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into your mail box.



The blonde answered, No, I am working on my computer and it keeps telling me that I have mail.

It was alovely summers day and a husband says to his wife, Lets you me and the dog go fishing! no! says the wife , You know I hate fishing.

So the husband replys,You have a choice, you either come fishing with me and the dog, give me a blowjob or take it up the arse. Ill give you 5mins to think about it while I go in the shed.



5mins later the husband returns and says well?..



Ill give you a blowjob replys his wife.



So the wife starts giving her husband a blowjob and comes up in disgust and says,your cock tastes of shit and stinks!



the husbands answers,yeah,well the dog didnt want to go either!

A blonde walks into a restaurant to get some lunch, and while shes deciding on what she wants a waitress comes up. The blonde looks up and notices the waitresss name tag on her shirt. Gee, thats nice. What did you name the other one?